Richard

 It’s been at least 10 years since I’ve seen Richard.  He was one of the more demanding kinkster’s I’ve scenes with over the years.  Richard expect perfection in everything.  One of the few that demanded control over all aspects of his life.  He never relinquished it.  Where it is common for those in power positions within their professional life, to desire a break if you will.  To come out of the headspace of constant oversight and mellow out, Richard was not one of those people.

I do not believe that Richard was ever one to find tire happiness or complete pleasure in life.  Be it personal or professional.  He could have easily been one of those men you’d think would have been abusive because of his requirement for constant control should you have been in a romantic relationship with him.  I however never crossed that line, and to the best of my knowledge he never allowed himself to be in such a situation.  

For all the control he demanded, he was exceptional at communicating not only his needs in a scene, but also in communication in general. I’m not certain as to why I was surprised.  Perhaps I expected him to be far more reserved when it came to communication outside of a scene, but now that I look back on it all, I suppose that even our “casual” talks were in essence to Richard part of a scene.  

We had many lengthy talks about life, business, people in general, and a time or two we spoke very openly about his requirements in both his professional and personal life.  Richard was one that did in fact shock me with his level of accountability and brutal honesty in regards to himself.  While he operated within his ID he did not often operate within his ego.  If that makes sense?

Many within the kink community often have rather large ego’s.  It’s something that I softened heightened within a scene.  Richard did not fall into that category.  Now anyone within the community reading this will certainly see that Richard was not an actual kinkster, but a personality type; and one that we shall not diagnose here.

From time to time I do wonder where Richard is now.  If he ever changed his character?  Or if as I suspect, was unable to be anyone but his authentic self and is still seeking the ever unobtainable standard of utter perfection.  I could have called or messaged him a number of times, I however find that a breach of trust on my current relationship and on Richards privacy.  We parted on exceptional terms, I believe I may have Ben one of the limited few to ever receive praise and a smile from Richard.  

I say that with a healthy dose of reality, understanding that the praise I received was for the striving of perfection not ever obtaining it.  

Funny how those memories sneak in from time to time.

Sweat it out

 The ebb and flow of it all snuck up on me.  4 days ago I blinked and they derailed, and instead of passing like behaving ships in the night, they crashed into each other and swept me away.  The feverish delirium danced across my eyelids and through my brain like a high school majorette team after a keg of MadDog.

I am however medicated and liquified.  In another two days I’ll be back at it again.  Maybe it’s slowed me for a day or so but this crap ain’t gonna keep the bad girl down.  Now if only I didn’t smell so bad too. 

Gonna need a shower and a ton of soap, cause your girl is rank. 

Here’s to speedy recovery’s and smelling better. 

Confused

It never fails to amaze me how many women feel that a woman’s only purpose is to procreate.  We are in an era of woman truly understanding and fighting for their rightful seat’s at the proverbial table, all while also embracing that we are not baby factories to be bred and be used like livestock.

We have grown accustomed to the moronic men whom believe that none-sense; but to hear the same rhetoric come out of other women’s mouths is truly sad.  How are we ever going to fully advance and beat back the patriarchy while other women are our own worst enemy?  We’ve seen the insanity at the voting booths, we’ve seen it online, and we’ve seen it within our own families.  What do the patriarchy loving women really gain from the men they cower too?  I’m honestly not seeing the benefit to their actions.

Coital Connection

 There are people in your life that pass through like breezes.  There are those who linger for a time and teach us something.  For better or for worse.  Then there are those who you connect with on a level that irrevocably alters who you are and how you both think and feel.

You may be with that person for a nighttime or a lifetime.  The effect is still the same.  Altered.  For.  Life.  

It’s easy to remember all the high points.  Those moments where you never thought you’d ever come back down to earth from the euphoria.  We did, we always do.  The euphoric free fall is the blessing and the curse.  The landing after it, can be utterly devastating.  

It’s why we hone in on the elation.  Paint the past with our rose colour glasses firmly in place, until life demands we see the full primordial reflection of our past.  Reminding us of the crater of destruction and devastation at the edge of our garden of Eden.

Persistence

 Persistence can be both a good and bad thing.  It really does depend on how it’s applied.  Today it was not a good thing.  The woman I work with is persistent in a manner that crosses over into obsessive control over things she has no knowledge of or actual control over.  It clearly crosses the lines into annoying attempts of micromanagement trying to make others do as she wants.  I do no play well with that type of personality.

I did manage to keep my composure all while wanting to throttle her.  

Some days you’re the hammer, sometimes your the nail. 

Exhaustion

 Working for a purpose or for their purpose?  It’s all blurred into a wind tunnel of walking dead for me.  Pushing past or through the pain and exhaustion has been a long time process.  It’s a process that I simply cannot do today.  

Today is a day of recovery and rest. Possibly some laundry; but mainly rest.  I’m annoyed that I have too. I feel like a failure. 

At least I’m not Brett Farve. 

Mothers Day 2021

 Good early morning Mother's Day to one and all momma's out there.  Be you momma's to flesh babies or momma's to fur babies; I see you.  

Mother's day can bring with it both the bitter and the sweet for many.  To the mother's whom have yet to hold their babies, be they unborn or still a glint in their eyes; I see you.  To the mother's whom have lost their mother, by whatever means; I see you.  To the mother's whom struggle with mental illness, doubt, frustration, or chronic illness; I see you.  To the momma's taking care of their own or another's mother whom can no longer take care of themselves; I see you.

To the momma's who's babies ad to leave this earth too soon, and who are having to hold them in their hearts instead of their arms; I see you.  To the momma's who gave their children to another, ensuring they had a better life; I see you.  To the momma's who are co-parenting, step-parenting, or are adoptive parents; I see you.  To the momma's with partners, without partners, or with multiple partners; I see you.  To the momma's wo's babies are covered in fur and will never leave home; I see you.

Being a momma is so much more than just giving birth.  It's a state of mind, a depth of caring that comes from deep within one's own soul.  It is my fondest wish that you each know and understand that each of your stories are valid.  

May love and light envelope you all, today and every day.