Calm amid the storm

 Or is it controlled chaos?  

He left today.  It wasn’t upsetting, sad, or maddening.  It was a great relief.  It came out of the blue, no that’s not true.  It’s been in the wings for years now.  I just don’t know it would be today.  He’s at best a coward, so this U-Haul in the driveway while surprising isn’t unexpected.  Our failure, yes OUR failure has come to an end.  I welcome it.  I stopped liking who he was so long ago.  

Now it is the frustration of cleaning up the mess he left.   Both physical and mental.  His attempt to cause disruption and harm in his emotionally stunted mental state, will not be my last hurrah!  I will burn for a moment, then I shall like others before me; rise again.  If I may be exceedingly immature for but a moment, I do hope his pillow is always hot and musty.  May his philandering bring karma to his door, and may his lies cause his tongue to swell and choke him upon his own words.  

Now is a time for bravery and boldness.  But first, let’s the brain dump and word vomit help clear these cobwebs.

Will this uncertainty ever come to an end?  I once believed that by the time I had children, and they thusly had their own children; life would make sense.   Now I am quite certain I was nothing more than a starry eyed dreamer.  How I wish to be that young impossibly beautiful girl again.  Life does seem to like a good laugh, so that isn’t likely to occur. 

Over 50 and finding one’s self back at the beginning feels both impossible and exhilarating.  I became so very lost for what feels like forever.  Like most I have all the socials life and Lou Rawls internet offers, and yet there is such a terrible disconnect between myself and those around me.  How do others become so sure in their footing; while so many of us seem to stumble along life’s path like frat boys at 3AM?

The universe does however seem to enjoy its call backs and has rung me like a nagging aunt.  

I suppose it might be time for me to answer the call.  

Richard

 It’s been at least 10 years since I’ve seen Richard.  He was one of the more demanding kinkster’s I’ve scenes with over the years.  Richard expect perfection in everything.  One of the few that demanded control over all aspects of his life.  He never relinquished it.  Where it is common for those in power positions within their professional life, to desire a break if you will.  To come out of the headspace of constant oversight and mellow out, Richard was not one of those people.

I do not believe that Richard was ever one to find true happiness or complete pleasure in life.  Be it personal or professional.  He could have easily been one of those men you’d think would have been abusive because of his requirement for constant control should you have been in a romantic relationship with him.  I however never crossed that line, and to the best of my knowledge he never allowed himself to be in such a situation.  

For all the control he demanded, he was exceptional at communicating not only his needs in a scene, but also in communication in general. I’m not certain as to why I was surprised.  Perhaps I expected him to be far more reserved when it came to communication outside of a scene, but now that I look back on it all, I suppose that even our “casual” talks were in essence to Richard part of a scene.  

We had many lengthy talks about life, business, people in general, and a time or two we spoke very openly about his requirements in both his professional and personal life.  Richard was one that did in fact shock me with his level of accountability and brutal honesty in regards to himself.  While he operated within his ID he did not often operate within his ego.  If that makes sense?

Many within the kink community often have rather large ego’s.  It’s something that I often heightened within a scene.  Richard did not fall into that category.  Now anyone within the community reading this will certainly see that Richard was not an actual kinkster, but a personality type; and one that we shall not diagnose here.

From time to time I do wonder where Richard is now.  If he ever changed his character?  Or if as I suspect, was unable to be anyone but his authentic self and is still seeking the ever unobtainable standard of utter perfection.  I could have called or messaged him a number of times, I however find that a breach of trust on my current relationship and on Richards privacy.  We parted on exceptional terms, I believe I may have bee one of the limited few to ever receive praise and a smile from Richard.  

I say that with a healthy dose of reality, understanding that the praise I received was for the striving of perfection not ever obtaining it.  

Funny how those memories sneak in from time to time.

Sweat it out

 The ebb and flow of it all snuck up on me.  4 days ago I blinked and they derailed, and instead of passing like behaving ships in the night, they crashed into each other and swept me away.  The feverish delirium danced across my eyelids and through my brain like a high school majorette team after a keg of MadDog.

I am however medicated and liquified.  In another two days I’ll be back at it again.  Maybe it’s slowed me for a day or so but this crap ain’t gonna keep the bad girl down.  Now if only I didn’t smell so bad too. 

Gonna need a shower and a ton of soap, cause your girl is rank. 

Here’s to speedy recovery’s and smelling better. 

Confused

It never fails to amaze me how many women feel that a woman’s only purpose is to procreate.  We are in an era of woman truly understanding and fighting for their rightful seat’s at the proverbial table, all while also embracing that we are not baby factories to be bred and be used like livestock.

We have grown accustomed to the moronic men whom believe that none-sense; but to hear the same rhetoric come out of other women’s mouths is truly sad.  How are we ever going to fully advance and beat back the patriarchy while other women are our own worst enemy?  We’ve seen the insanity at the voting booths, we’ve seen it online, and we’ve seen it within our own families.  What do the patriarchy loving women really gain from the men they cower too?  I’m honestly not seeing the benefit to their actions.

Coital Connection

 There are people in your life that pass through like breezes.  There are those who linger for a time and teach us something.  For better or for worse.  Then there are those who you connect with on a level that irrevocably alters who you are and how you both think and feel.

You may be with that person for a nighttime or a lifetime.  The effect is still the same.  Altered.  For.  Life.  

It’s easy to remember all the high points.  Those moments where you never thought you’d ever come back down to earth from the euphoria.  We did, we always do.  The euphoric free fall is the blessing and the curse.  The landing after it, can be utterly devastating.  

It’s why we hone in on the elation.  Paint the past with our rose colour glasses firmly in place, until life demands we see the full primordial reflection of our past.  Reminding us of the crater of destruction and devastation at the edge of our garden of Eden.

Persistence

 Persistence can be both a good and bad thing.  It really does depend on how it’s applied.  Today it was not a good thing.  The woman I work with is persistent in a manner that crosses over into obsessive control over things she has no knowledge of or actual control over.  It clearly crosses the lines into annoying attempts of micromanagement trying to make others do as she wants.  I do no play well with that type of personality.

I did manage to keep my composure all while wanting to throttle her.  

Some days you’re the hammer, sometimes your the nail. 

Exhaustion

 Working for a purpose or for their purpose?  It’s all blurred into a wind tunnel of walking dead for me.  Pushing past or through the pain and exhaustion has been a long time process.  It’s a process that I simply cannot do today.  

Today is a day of recovery and rest. Possibly some laundry; but mainly rest.  I’m annoyed that I have too. I feel like a failure. 

At least I’m not Brett Farve.