Sweat it out

 The ebb and flow of it all snuck up on me.  4 days ago I blinked and they derailed, and instead of passing like behaving ships in the night, they crashed into each other and swept me away.  The feverish delirium danced across my eyelids and through my brain like a high school majorette team after a keg of MadDog.

I am however medicated and liquified.  In another two days I’ll be back at it again.  Maybe it’s slowed me for a day or so but this crap ain’t gonna keep the bad girl down.  Now if only I didn’t smell so bad too. 

Gonna need a shower and a ton of soap, cause your girl is rank. 

Here’s to speedy recovery’s and smelling better. 

Shards

 My story is filled with a million broken pieces.  Terrible choices, less than well thought out plans, and some of the ugliest of truths.  Yet it also contains major comebacks, deep unabiding love, pockets of deep rich belly laughter, a learned peace in my soul, and a fire in my belly.  I do not know what tomorrow will bring, but I am ready for it. 

Might As Well...

 

Are there really checks and balances where life is concerned?  If I’m an ass every day for 50 years and then in my 51st save a bus load of kids from a flamey death are all my previous sins forgiven?   I just don’t see it working that way.  Can redemption really exist?  Can all actually be forgiven?

Adulthood

Do you remember when you were a kid, and your biggest worry was, like, if you'd get a skates for your birthday or if you'd get the most easter eggs during the hunt? Being an adult, it's totally overrated. I mean, seriously, don't be fooled by all the cute shoes and the great sex and the no parents anywhere telling you what to do.

Adulthood is responsibility.

Responsibility, it really does suck. Adults have to be places and do things and earn a living and pay the rent. And if you're a parent, or a caregiver, holding another human's wellbeing in your hands... Hello! Talk about responsibility! Kind of makes bikes and chocolate eggs look really, really good, doesn't it? Somedays l wish l could go back and hold my children's hands again. The scariest part about responsibility? Is when you screw up and let it slip right through your fingers.

Carpe Diem

A couple hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. ''Never leave that till tomorrow, '' he said, ''which you can do today." This is the man who discovered electricity. You'd think more of us would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of pain, fear of rejection.

Whatever it is we're afraid of, one thing holds true. That, by the time the pain of not doing a thing gets worse than the fear of doing it, it can feel like we're carrying around a giant tumor. Metaphorically in any case. He who hesitates is lost, after all. We can't pretend we haven't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day.

Still, sometimes, we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. Lock the door. We have to learn our own lessons.  We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore, until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin meant. That knowing is better than wondering. That waking is better than sleeping. And that even the biggest failure, even the worst, most intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying.

Aware Not Fearful

It’s rather unfortunate that 21 people were shot this weekend, on that same token perhaps humanity needs to change themselves. Anything can be utilized as a weapon, but without intent, it’s merely just an object. The media is a mirror of society, the culture and the lens it sees and fosters. Until people change their mindset and learn how to love this is exactly what we will see. Toronto is beautiful, be aware but don’t let these goons fear monger.

Walk away with your truth

It’s better to be honest then hold resentment in your heart. You might not know what you want, but on hindsight you know what you don’t. Some people fall in love and some fall for the ideology of being in love, ultimately the truth will always find its way out. To like someone for a segment is possibly true but to fall out of it is just as true. It’s never what you walk away from, it’s what you walk away with.

Character

Integrity is doing the right thing behind close doors when no one else is watching. Never be impressed by the title, money and the clout but by the humility, integrity and kindness of ones character.

Keeping It Classy

There's nothing like feeling like your insides are going to explode with emotion.  The tightness in your chest, the prickling behind your eyes.  The bile rising in the back of your throat.  Now add to all that, your environment.  You are smack dab in the middle of work.  Oh there's just nothing more classy than crying at work.  That awesome moment when you just cannot hold the tears at bay any longer and yet the earth will not open up and just swallow you whole like you wished it would.

Yes.  Classy, indeed.

So there I was.  Just chock full of emotion and unable to bear the burden of it any longer.  I certainly wish that it had been somewhere that was, well else.  However it was not.  The straw that broke the camels proverbial back was in hind-sight pretty insignificant.  A simple FB comment on my husbands page.  It wasn't anything I wasn't fully aware of, nothing I hadn't politely chuckled at many, many times before.  It was just one more of those annoying little tid-bits that has piled up this week, well in truth over the last year.

From time to time, I feel as though I am surrounded by my husbands ex girlfriends.  The air becomes rank with them in one shape fashion or form, and it becomes tiring.  We all have exes.  I'm not even jealous in the slightest of them; nor do I doubt my husbands loyalty.  Not even for a second.  I just get tired of having to hear about the exploits.  I live in the here and now, my exes are just that.  My past, they are the ones who didn't make the cut.  No they are not all bad people, in fact most of them are fantastic people.  People I do consider friends.  But that is where I draw the line.  I don't speak on, or share my past sexual experiences.  To do so I feel would be utterly disrespectful to my husband and what we are building.  Should one of my exes try to joke about or share those private moments I would have no trouble saying, "you're being disrespectful, and I won't have it."

I don't feel the same is true.  Not where my feelings are concerned.  Though in introspection, I also feel that it is my smile and nod attitude that has also allowed it.  I try to take it all in stride.  We all share things from our own experiences, our reference points.  I don't happen to have the same experiences that he has had.  Some similar and yet so many vastly different.  Add to those facts that we live next door to one of his exes, the other tends to pop up with her drama out of the blue, and there are a good 5 or 6 that seem to pop in and out of his messenger.  He see's friendships and what I read them wanting is attention and more. 

I can go for a while where none of it bothers me at all, and then out of the blue I feel as though I'm in an unending loop of disrespect.  It hurts so deeply for  time, and then I seem to kick myself in the ass and decide to not spend any more time on my own pity-party of one!  I'll get there in another moment or two.  For the moment I require the cathartic joy of allowing my brain to barf upon this page and embrace the lightness that for me comes when I just get it out.

     

I Don't Post Well With Others

Things posted in the buy and sell:

Yep it’s pool season. Don’t be a twat and leave others to take care of your kids, it’s your job. Okay reminder for the stupid whom need reminding ... then again they probably shouldn’t have kids if they need that reminder. #truthhurts

 Second issue as I already posted on the original post... why is this listed in the buy and sell? The kid isn’t / shouldn’t be for sale (there are laws against that kinda thing) and there are no images of the pool so that can’t be for sale either.

 This might have been the “try to be more understanding/compassionate/kind” thing my husband was mentioning to me last night.

 I tried honey! But this shit just writes itself.

Now is this a sad event.  Of course it is.  99% of kids getting hurt is sad/scary for those that it effects.  I say effects as this does not affect me.  I do not know the child or family, he is okay, and noting about what happened to him changes anything in my life.  Does that make me cold and heartless?  That's up to individual opinion.  If what I post, think, or feel effects you intensely; you might want to look into that.

Of course people not embracing reality, realism, or having  a critical thinking brain got all kinds of mad.

 

As we can see the general consensus is that I am indeed a heartless, unfeeling bitch whom doesn't deserve to show my face. (Lest someone try and harm me as the implication stands.)  Once again these are opinions and I don't argue there validity.  What I did question is why such a thing is posted on a buy and sell page.  As it was posted on a buy and sell page with option to comment, I chose to comment.  Yes I take full responsibility in my choice to comment; knowing that most if not all would be angry.  I also chose to question the parents of the victim.  As the child is the victim not the adults here.

So let's all take a look at this on the whole of the original post.  A family and their kids are invited to a get together where there's a pool.  The pool is open to full use by those invited.  It is not stated if the home owners listed that kid caregiving is the sole responsibility of the parents, nor is it listed if there was a lifeguard on duty to monitor those in the pool. I can only assume from the original post wherein the mother states that the other adults in the pool, unlike she whom was not in the pool with her child, all must have thought he was playing as even she had when she looked in on him.  She also states that none of the other adults questioned his swimming abilities.

Now in the brief overview from a lengthy post, I see a number of issues with the parents decisions.  Not the child's or the other adults, and thus my taking issue and making a very dark humor joke about the post.  

1- Pool party/BBQ/Gathering of people.  Food, fun, possibly drinking.  You as the parent sit down to socialize, drink, eat, mind other children while neglecting to speak up or note to anyone in the pool that your kid cannot swim?  You also neglect to ask anyone in the pool if they can watch your child while you do XYZ... 

2- You now post all over FB that you just want to warn others to take care of their kind when around a pool.  (This is common knowledge as is your child being your responsibility.)  Those that are unaware of when they are supposed to take responsibility for their children, in my opinion should not have them in their care.

3- I take responsibility for what is mine to be responsible for.  Kids, dogs, cats, car, rent, work ethic, and yes the thoughts I choose to allow past my lips in a verbal display.  Unlike most others both those that posted, and those that commented I do not blame others for my own choices.  I am not sad, or angry at those whom chose to think horribly of me.  I am not seeing sympathy or even agreement.  I did hold others accountable for their choices, and therein lays the rub.  How dare I?  That's just cold and callous!   Personal accountability is a great and terrible thing.  Especially when someone else holds us to it.

These are just my thoughts.  Go have a few of your own. 

     

Half Empty

It's been coming for a while now, like too little butter spread over too much bread.  I want to wrap myself in warmth and security.  I simply cannot see that happening at the moment.  There have been times, don't misunderstand; at the moment however it feels as though I have to be the strong one.  The one with her shit together, the voice of reason, care, leadership, authority.  The adult.

I'm so tired.

I barely have enough in me to adult myself.  I. Am. That. Tired.  So how do I hold everyone elses shit together?  Fake it till I make it right?  Not always a possibility, so in those cases my shit just has to be set aside and focused on later.  Can we just stop the world?  I'd like to get off now.

Everyone likes to shout about self care, and I'll be the first to agree its damn important.  Normally I'd say just let the juggling balls drop.  Do the self care, and pick the mess up after.  These balls cannot be dropped, these aren't silly obsessive bullshit things.. These are mandatory, you need these to live balls I'm juggling.

So much to do, so many more miles to go before I can sleep.

Face Your Fears

Many of the events and experiences we have in life can leave us feeling broken. We see brokenness on a personal and social level every day, and may ourselves feel fragmented and shattered. It seems unavoidable.

It’s not something we can control; perhaps the most important thing is how we respond to it.

For some of us our response is to build walls, metaphorically and literally, to try and shut out those things which threaten or disturb us. We see this often not only in our own daily lives, but in so many others in social media as well. We create barriers, turn away from one another, turn inwards, and live with fear. Often confronting our own brokenness is too painful, too disturbing, too much to handle, and rather than engaging with our own hurt we either lash out at others or shrink into ourselves.

Facing your fears, and yes they are fears.  Fear of disappointment, fear of shame, fear of hurt, fear of rejection, fear of loneliness, fear of being vulnerable and the list goes on.  However facing those fear is crucial to living a fuller happier life.  It does not always mean that we conquer said fears, some fears will always be there in the background, but they are manageable and we can still move forward. 

It's okay to open up and speak on your fears.  It's okay to speak to your brokenness. 

Holly Hair

Dear Hair,

I love and hate you in equal amounts.  Why have you chosen now to have one of your spaz attacks?  I've been very kind to you as of late.  I've treated you as a cherished member of my body and yet you flip my the proverbial bird and throw yourself too and fro like a drunken sailor.  Is this truly necessary?  You know he's looking forward to seeing you grow.  He's expecting something more than just your half assed attempt at looking okay.

Right now, I can't decide who I'm getting more annoyed with.  You and your antics, or him and his damn hopes.

I Lock The Door

There's a running joke, not really funny ha ha; or maybe it is to them.  They don't understand, how could they?  They are not mind readers and I am not one to talk about it at great length.  It's simpler to just, lock the door.

"You afraid there's a boogie man?"  They joke.  I simply smile and lock the door.  They shake their heads, and tease, "no ones going to rob this house!"  I simply smile, and lock the door.

I lock the door because I'm not her.
I lock the door because home is supposed to be a safe place.
I lock the door because I don't want to talk.
I lock the door because I don't want to hear it.
I lock the door because this is mine.
I lock the door because I don't like them.
I lock the door because I don't trust them.
I lock the door for privacy.
I lock the door because they are disrespectful.
I lock the door for my own sanity.
I lock the door because I don't want to share...
I lock the door because I protect what's mine.
I lock the door because I am tired...
I lock the door because they are racists.
I lock the door so I can breathe.
I lock the door so I can cry.
I lock the door because I don't feel safe.

You laugh.  I'll smile and simply lock the door.

Impact and Influence

I rarely if ever say things out of courtesy.  If I don’t mean it, I don’t say it.  There has to be passion, integrity and meaning in everything you express and articulate.  Life is short let your words count, impact and influence.

Kings and Queens

Heavy is the had that wears the crown.

He wants a queen, I just want to be happy. Can I be both?  As of yet, I have my doubts.  Historically speaking a queen without a king is far more powerful to be certain but be she with her king or not the fact remains that queens have to continually fight to keep what's theirs.  History has shown us that kings far more often than not treat their queen like shit, bedding servants, treating them as a brainless pieces of arm candy, using them to attain that which they truly desire, and when tiring of them...well off with her head.

Doesn't sound like a life filled with laughter and joy to me.

So you want me to be your queen, prove me wrong.

Just Ask

This guy's walking down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can't get out.

A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up, "Hey you, can you help me out?"
The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on.

Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up "Father, I'm down in this hole,
can you help me out?"
The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on.

Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?"
And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are you stupid?
Now we're both down here."

The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out."


I've certainly been down here before, it can be a little tricky navigating the maze and a few of the sinkholes are real bitches but if I made it out, so can you.  Plus, you don't have to do it alone.  Not ever again.

If I call you my friend, I mean it.  If I call you family, I'm in for life.

Props

Giving credit when it’s due. Huge props go out to Ty tonight. As I've come to see for myself not only talented he’s exceedingly kind. Meeting Mako as most know is not for the faint of heart or for those without a true love of animals. She’s beyond a handful somedays as any hellhound can be. And let’s be blunt she can be scary AF! She certainly was this evening as she went from 0 to 120 in the blink of an eye and her sights were set on defending her space.

 There was no threat to Mako but as those having dealt with red zone dogs, she doesn't perceive things as we do. Ty showed incredible fortitude and didn’t flinch, he completely understood where she was coming from; and why it was that she felt the need to behave like a total menace. That kind of tolerance and compassion is often far too lacking in this world.

So a huge thank you goes out to Tyson from @cashmoremusic This evening Mako and I were gifted with a kindness and understanding that few ever get. You have certainly helped restore some of my faith in humanity. May we one day soon see that logo everywhere. ✌🏼 #Cashmore #CashmoreMusic #subscribe #CashmoreCrew #goals #achievements #youtube#cashmorecrew #subscribe #cashmore #achievements #goals #mako #cashmoremusic #hellhound #youtube

Catching Lightening

What does "mainstream" mean to you? 

Over the years mainstream to me has come to mean sweet fuck all.  Mainstream or often time social norms, has given us a culture of permissiveness to all the "isims" and negativity that has feminists and out of the box thinkers shouting louder than Susan Powder "stop the insanity!"  Mainstream thinking would have us believe that rape culture is the norm and ok.  That women are still best when married with children, and far too emotional than men. 

Mainstream has young girls believing that numbers are important; and yes they are if you are an economist, a mathematician, a scientist, or any of the other jobs that require an acute attention to numbers.  However mainstream isn't focusing on those things are they?  No they are focusing on the size of our breasts, waists, age, and height to weight ratio.  Mainstream has us focusing on having the perfect beach body, and so many other harmful stereotypes. 

There are so many more glass ceilings to break through, chains to break, minds to expand, and souls to set a blaze with a passion for so much more than what is to be accepted as the norm.  My visions of life at 50 and beyond has nothing to do with slowing down, finding a cozy sweater, or of thinking about retirement.  I've always said that I haven't a problem settling down, its the settling that I will continue to push back against.  As though because of my age I must slow down and just accept that this is how it is and is going to be. 

Fuck that!

I have zero fucks for societal norms and the expectations that those whom follow mainstream thoughts hold for me.  Mature women are far better at catching lightening then men are.  We can adapt faster and understand the value of catch and release like few others.  Our value does not decline as we age.  Our power grows exponentially with each year and every new experience. 

We don't often see that, and it's merely because it's not part of the social norm.  There are those of us whom are changing that.  We are pushing back against what is expected of us and showing other's that what we expect of ourselves is of far greater importance and value.  We are changing the game, changing the narrative, and changing what the face of maturity looks like.  We are walking, lifting, and powering our way through those barriers both in and outside of the gym. 

Each of us has the ability to change the minds, hearts, and thought process of not only ourselves but those around us.  We are a GRRRL ARMY and we will not be stopped by anyone.  We are mothers, sisters, grandmothers, friends, lovers, and we will not stand by silently as has been so often the expectation.  We will not allow our worth to be defined by our size or our age.  She is not my competition, she is my equal even in all of our beautiful, powerful differences.

KO Founder of GRRRL Clothing

         

Home For the Holidays

Wherever you may be, may you be healthy, happy, and whole.  May you on this day of giving now that you are a gift onto yourself and you are loved.  Be safe, be warm, and even though I cannot be with you physically, I am always with you in spirit.