Exhaustion

 Working for a purpose or for their purpose?  It’s all blurred into a wind tunnel of walking dead for me.  Pushing past or through the pain and exhaustion has been a long time process.  It’s a process that I simply cannot do today.  

Today is a day of recovery and rest. Possibly some laundry; but mainly rest.  I’m annoyed that I have too. I feel like a failure. 

At least I’m not Brett Farve. 

Shards

 My story is filled with a million broken pieces.  Terrible choices, less than well thought out plans, and some of the ugliest of truths.  Yet it also contains major comebacks, deep unabiding love, pockets of deep rich belly laughter, a learned peace in my soul, and a fire in my belly.  I do not know what tomorrow will bring, but I am ready for it. 

Empower Yourself

It is perfectly acceptable to walk away from people that just want to use you, undermine and lie to you.  It takes a very strong independent person with strong morals to say this is not ok.  You are in charge of your life, what you allow is exactly what will continue.  A very wise person told me quite bluntly “ Never say sorry if you don’t mean it, never give anyone your power”.

If we could all reach a place of power where our past, or people with toxic intentions no longer affect us negatively.  Being able to examine it all with a critical eye.  Like a beach ball of emotions that has been thrown and landed at our feet, the choice is always ours as to whether or not we pick it up or just step around it.   

With Liberty And Justice For All

   One of the most difficult things to do is speak and think rationally when you seem to be surrounded by so much chaos, negativity, and violence.

  To say we are all created equal and have the same rights is a very basic and simple truth. To say that we are all treated equally, and afforded the same rights; is a gross understatement.

   No it is a lie.

   It was a lie that all lives matter, when my children's and my life was threatened by a man who hated us because of their skin colour and the audacity that we had to eat out together.

   It was a lie that all lives matter, when we had to pick and choose where our football games were played for the safety of our team members of colour.

   It was a lie that all lives mattered, when my boyfriend would drive me home back when I was pregnant with my 1st and we were stopped time and time again for no other reason than he was a man of colour and I was actually asked if I was there of my own free will.

   And yes it was a lie that all lives matter, when a man is shot in the back 7 times, while another faces the police with a rifle and is simply offered water and given thanks.

   Each of our experiences are going to be unique to us, both joyful and sorrow filled. It is a true blessing when in either of these times we have those we can turn to and share those moments. Our sorrows are lessened and our joys are sweetened in just knowing there is at least one person out there who understands how we feel.

   Imagine for a moment if you will, that your home is on fire. The firetrucks and crews show up and your neighbour begins to shout...”What about my house? My house is important too!!” Of course your neighbours home is just as important as yours, but their home is not on fire. It needs a paint job and the gutters should be cleaned soon, but it isn't on fire.

   This is why saying All Lives Matter, is problematic. When we/ I say Black Lives Matter, I am not discounting all other lives. I am not saying that only black lives matter. I am acknowledging that we as a human race need to stand together and demand that we are ALL treated equally, because black men, women, and children are being killed for no other reason than the colour of their skin. 

   Understanding what drives the BLM movement, what it means and how to support it, is essential. Yes all lives matter, but right now we do need to focus on the black lives for it is apparent that the judicial system isn't recognizing that all men were not only created equal, but must be treated equal.

  I say Black Lives Matter because “all” didn't cover Black when they said “All men are created equal.” 

   I say “Black Lives Matter” because “all” didn't cover Black when they said “With liberty and justice for all.” 

    I say “Black Lives Matter” because so many are still struggling with the definition of “all”. I say “Black Lives Matter” because I am a mother, a sister, a family member, a friend whom refuses to sit silent while understanding I do indeed live with white privileged and to ignore that would be a failure to all lives.

   It can and will be an uncomfortable experience for many. Especially if you're someone that hasn't taken the time to grapple with your own role in the systemic oppression that exists in our society. Take a good hard look at what you say and do.

   Do you post racist meme's, do you sit silent while other's use racist terms and/or phrases? Do you without thought go for the racial slur when having a disagreement with a person of colour or describing a person of colour? Have you foolishly uttered, “my children just don't like black people. My daughter/son thinks they look dirty?” Do you condemn or berate those who take a stand against bigotry and injustice be they rallying with united voices or simply taking a knee? Did or do you agree with Donald Trump that there were "Some very fine people..." in those red hats in Charlottesville. 

   Growth is uncomfortable. Expanding our critical thinking to encompass other's experiences and different views is difficult, but it is ever so important in this journey of life we all make.

   It is my sincere hope that all of your children come home safe. That you know peace, and love, and hope. That joy enters your life and takes up residence and that even in our differences we can all come together in kindness.

Adulthood

Do you remember when you were a kid, and your biggest worry was, like, if you'd get a skates for your birthday or if you'd get the most easter eggs during the hunt? Being an adult, it's totally overrated. I mean, seriously, don't be fooled by all the cute shoes and the great sex and the no parents anywhere telling you what to do.

Adulthood is responsibility.

Responsibility, it really does suck. Adults have to be places and do things and earn a living and pay the rent. And if you're a parent, or a caregiver, holding another human's wellbeing in your hands... Hello! Talk about responsibility! Kind of makes bikes and chocolate eggs look really, really good, doesn't it? Somedays l wish l could go back and hold my children's hands again. The scariest part about responsibility? Is when you screw up and let it slip right through your fingers.

Level Up

If you want to grow you have to sit with winners.  You can’t grow from people that complain about everything and don’t take initiative to change their circumstances.  I am, and have been blessed to have such great influences and powerhouses that have guided, coached and continue to force me to grow. Don’t settle to be like everyone else, when you yourself know your better than basic.

Health is Wealth

What is it that you are wishing for this holiday season?  To my mind, the number one thing you should be asking, praying, and working for during this holiday season is your health.  Next to being surrounded by people that actually love you that is.  Without each our health, we have so little.  Just as we ave so very little without the necessary support system.

Support systems are as unique as we are.  Be they biological, adoptive or blended family, without them we are each often limited in what we can achieve.  Don't be so quick to be hung up upon the old standards of what "family" is.  Family after all is what you make of it, not what you are born into.  We are each often richer in family than we realize.  Look around and see the reality in the language of love.

Synonymously family and health can be used interchangeably. Ask for the things that count.

Balance

Opposites attract.  There's always one half that’s sensitive.  Wanting and aiming  to look at the good side of people.  The Mother Theresa approach to every situation.  Then there’s the other half, slightly more cutting.  A realest, like me that has absolutely no sympathy for snakes.  More often than not, objective over emotions.  “The mean one.”

Friends vs. Acquaintances

There are people you ride for and stay fiercely loyal to and there are absolute non factors. You treat em accordingly. To be friendly and to call someone a friend is two completed different things.

Like Seeks Like

Your not for everyone. Leaders, visionaries and strong people don’t generally have many friends, but when they do, they look like this. Quality over quantity.

Thank you

 

This was hard for me to accept as a young woman; I was convinced that no one knew what was best for me. This last decade of my life, and especially now as I start to see the rewards of years of planning, I am thankful to all those who pointed out my mistakes. I am thankful for your judgment and for telling me I was wrong, for being harsh and deliberate when showing me that I was wrong.

Behaviour, as it is, is mostly subconscious, the reasons for that behaviour are often invisible to our critical minds and the conflict between desire and emotions make it all harder still to see. It was when I embraced my own blindness, and allowed others to reflect who I really was that I saw myself properly, that I saw who I needed to be.

My only advice to you now, as I move into unknown territory is to heed the warnings the world of experience gives you. Take the "I told you so" moments seriously, they can teach you more than you expect. Make the most of criticism, take the most from rejection, stop thinking that you know better and life will make more sense.

Thanks furthermore, to my detractors, to my opposition; to those who made this journey challenging and difficult - you tested my character - and as I overcame the obstacles you placed in front of me that character became stronger.

Snip

 I cut people off with no hesitation.  No explanation and no warning if you do some phony shit or if I feel you can't be trusted.

Life is too short, and I'm getting too old to be associated with people who don't understand the concept of loyalty.

Can't trust Everybody.
Can't Love Everybody.
Can't Be Friends with Everybody.

Reality Bytes

A good morning to all!  Except maybe for those that opted for the "hold my beer" moments yesterday.  Your dulcet tones of emptying your stomach's contents while attempting to brush your teeth is karmas way of saying "I told you so." 

Maybe as the sun comes back out to grace us with his glorious presence you should stick with water today.  I won't hold my breath.  After all you are full grown capable adults, full to the brim with those "making good choices" abilities. 

Hark, I doth hear the fair Juliette now...  she spe yaks aks

Adulting The Adults

Taking care of children they say, "can be the most difficult and rewarding experience you'll ever face."  I know this to be true as a parent, however they are only half right.  It can indeed be difficult, and yes it is rewarding!  Nothing is more rewarding than seeing one of your children succeed in the lessons you've taught them and in turn put said lesson into practice.  However, parenting children is by far, to my mind, easier than having to adult over other adults.

Adulting other adults, especially when those grown rascals have decided to engage "difficulty mode: to level 9" surpasses challenging.  Not only does it surpass it, but it then delves headlong into a battle of wits and moves so sly if you were any better they'd slap a tail on you and call you foxy!  Adulting inebriated adults, well that comes with a range of emotions and skill levels.  Humourous, annoying, tiresome, vexing, confounding, and down right fucked up.  Being the voice of reason in these situations, when you appear to be the only one with your wits about you, takes courage, nerves of steel, and a firm grip on your own sanity.  It will all be tested.

Add fire, bright ideas, and stubbornness....

Well now you're just going to need rope.  Whether you opt to use it on them, or yourself; that is an answer only you can decide.  Just remember, you are not alone.  Emergency rooms across the globe are filled with the morons we love; even tenuously in these moments with those adults who chose to utter, "hold my beer."  You can spot them quite easily; they are the adults with at least one other adult sitting next to them with a mixture of resting bitch face and a concerned look laced with murderous intent. 

Clapback

Just because we are grown doesn't always mean being an adult.  Living next door to my husbands ex comes with it's own set of challenges.  98% of the time we do amazingly well.  We smile, nod, engage in small talk and are generally personable to one another.  It isn't perfect, but at the end of the day we each simply live our own lives and are all the better for it.

From time to time we have to chuckle and shake our heads, as Pirates ex "80's Hair"; get's into one of her moods where she enjoys taking as many jabs at me as she can.  Be it her relationship advice on how to best take care of my husband, or her racist views on mixed couples.  Typically I sit and smile back twice as bright.  What better revenge is there than a life well lived.  Happy, smiling, and self assured.  Then there are the moments, brief as they are where I find my inner Queen rising up to the surface and with a Z-snap delivering a clapback that shuts the woman up for a while.

It has always been and will be my advice to all, just keep smiling and live you truth.  Embrace your best life and go forward without a care as to what someone else has to say about it.  It is after all the most well adjusted and mature thing to do.  For the truth is when we are in full control of our own emotions, other have no actual control over us.  There are however those times, and I will also advise to make them count as they should be rare; when you need to bite a back in such a manner that the next time they even think about fucking with you, they sting just from the memory of your initial bite.

I cannot tell you that I am proud of my clapback.  Nor can I tell you that I feel guilty about it.  Come for me, no problem.  Come for any of my children with racist remarks and all bets are off.  I will at that point be a callous, cruel bitch aiming right where I know the most damage will be done.  I will also not just be catty, I will go for the low blow that involves a portion of your truth that you hide from.  See sitting and listening carefully brings forth many advantage points.  Facts and knowledge are always key.

So when 80's Hair after many racial insults, quiet and low key as they were, decided to reach out again and attempt to push that button, I grabbed hold of her ugliest truth and went to town.  With her vast experience in "healthy relationships" I point blank said, "by all means share with me your knowledge.  You've had a three or four husbands who apparently beat you by your own claims and gained amazing sexual confidence and knowledge from your relationships with your father and brother.  So please share with me what you know about happy, healthy, solid relationship skills."

She hasn't spoken to me since.

Face Your Fears

Many of the events and experiences we have in life can leave us feeling broken. We see brokenness on a personal and social level every day, and may ourselves feel fragmented and shattered. It seems unavoidable.

It’s not something we can control; perhaps the most important thing is how we respond to it.

For some of us our response is to build walls, metaphorically and literally, to try and shut out those things which threaten or disturb us. We see this often not only in our own daily lives, but in so many others in social media as well. We create barriers, turn away from one another, turn inwards, and live with fear. Often confronting our own brokenness is too painful, too disturbing, too much to handle, and rather than engaging with our own hurt we either lash out at others or shrink into ourselves.

Facing your fears, and yes they are fears.  Fear of disappointment, fear of shame, fear of hurt, fear of rejection, fear of loneliness, fear of being vulnerable and the list goes on.  However facing those fear is crucial to living a fuller happier life.  It does not always mean that we conquer said fears, some fears will always be there in the background, but they are manageable and we can still move forward. 

It's okay to open up and speak on your fears.  It's okay to speak to your brokenness. 

I Forgot...

I forgot how opening up makes me vulnerable. 
I forgot  how easily it is to think things are perfectly fine, when they're not really fine at all.
I forgot that loving someone doesn't mean they'll love you in return.
I forgot that loving someone doesn't mean they always respect you. 

Then I remembered...

Rescues are funny things.  Be it non-profits or those earning a living from rescuing.  One would think there would be a huge distinction between them, or even a distinction between those who rescue and those who do not.  I've come to find that like all else in life, morons abound in every group and every walk of life.  Rescue included.

I was actually quite saddened and rather mad too.  Then I remembered, I  hate humans and expect no less than utter disappointment and horrific behaviours from them.

Betrayal

The most difficult and saddest thing about betrayal; is that it never comes from your enemies. 

Reality Bytes

No relationship, no matter how well established, is perfect.  Crossed lines of communication, forgetful behaviour, taking one another for granted are all unintentional occurrences that can arise from time to time.  It is our methods in dealing with such things can can make or break a relationship. 

Here's to living and learning.