Calm amid the storm

 Or is it controlled chaos?  

He left today.  It wasn’t upsetting, sad, or maddening.  It was a great relief.  It came out of the blue, no that’s not true.  It’s been in the wings for years now.  I just don’t know it would be today.  He’s at best a coward, so this U-Haul in the driveway while surprising isn’t unexpected.  Our failure, yes OUR failure has come to an end.  I welcome it.  I stopped liking who he was so long ago.  

Now it is the frustration of cleaning up the mess he left.   Both physical and mental.  His attempt to cause disruption and harm in his emotionally stunted mental state, will not be my last hurrah!  I will burn for a moment, then I shall like others before me; rise again.  If I may be exceedingly immature for but a moment, I do hope his pillow is always hot and musty.  May his philandering bring karma to his door, and may his lies cause his tongue to swell and choke him upon his own words.  

Now is a time for bravery and boldness.  But first, let’s the brain dump and word vomit help clear these cobwebs.

Will this uncertainty ever come to an end?  I once believed that by the time I had children, and they thusly had their own children; life would make sense.   Now I am quite certain I was nothing more than a starry eyed dreamer.  How I wish to be that young impossibly beautiful girl again.  Life does seem to like a good laugh, so that isn’t likely to occur. 

Over 50 and finding one’s self back at the beginning feels both impossible and exhilarating.  I became so very lost for what feels like forever.  Like most I have all the socials life and Lou Rawls internet offers, and yet there is such a terrible disconnect between myself and those around me.  How do others become so sure in their footing; while so many of us seem to stumble along life’s path like frat boys at 3AM?

The universe does however seem to enjoy its call backs and has rung me like a nagging aunt.  

I suppose it might be time for me to answer the call.  

Richard

 It’s been at least 10 years since I’ve seen Richard.  He was one of the more demanding kinkster’s I’ve scenes with over the years.  Richard expect perfection in everything.  One of the few that demanded control over all aspects of his life.  He never relinquished it.  Where it is common for those in power positions within their professional life, to desire a break if you will.  To come out of the headspace of constant oversight and mellow out, Richard was not one of those people.

I do not believe that Richard was ever one to find true happiness or complete pleasure in life.  Be it personal or professional.  He could have easily been one of those men you’d think would have been abusive because of his requirement for constant control should you have been in a romantic relationship with him.  I however never crossed that line, and to the best of my knowledge he never allowed himself to be in such a situation.  

For all the control he demanded, he was exceptional at communicating not only his needs in a scene, but also in communication in general. I’m not certain as to why I was surprised.  Perhaps I expected him to be far more reserved when it came to communication outside of a scene, but now that I look back on it all, I suppose that even our “casual” talks were in essence to Richard part of a scene.  

We had many lengthy talks about life, business, people in general, and a time or two we spoke very openly about his requirements in both his professional and personal life.  Richard was one that did in fact shock me with his level of accountability and brutal honesty in regards to himself.  While he operated within his ID he did not often operate within his ego.  If that makes sense?

Many within the kink community often have rather large ego’s.  It’s something that I often heightened within a scene.  Richard did not fall into that category.  Now anyone within the community reading this will certainly see that Richard was not an actual kinkster, but a personality type; and one that we shall not diagnose here.

From time to time I do wonder where Richard is now.  If he ever changed his character?  Or if as I suspect, was unable to be anyone but his authentic self and is still seeking the ever unobtainable standard of utter perfection.  I could have called or messaged him a number of times, I however find that a breach of trust on my current relationship and on Richards privacy.  We parted on exceptional terms, I believe I may have bee one of the limited few to ever receive praise and a smile from Richard.  

I say that with a healthy dose of reality, understanding that the praise I received was for the striving of perfection not ever obtaining it.  

Funny how those memories sneak in from time to time.

Coital Connection

 There are people in your life that pass through like breezes.  There are those who linger for a time and teach us something.  For better or for worse.  Then there are those who you connect with on a level that irrevocably alters who you are and how you both think and feel.

You may be with that person for a nighttime or a lifetime.  The effect is still the same.  Altered.  For.  Life.  

It’s easy to remember all the high points.  Those moments where you never thought you’d ever come back down to earth from the euphoria.  We did, we always do.  The euphoric free fall is the blessing and the curse.  The landing after it, can be utterly devastating.  

It’s why we hone in on the elation.  Paint the past with our rose colour glasses firmly in place, until life demands we see the full primordial reflection of our past.  Reminding us of the crater of destruction and devastation at the edge of our garden of Eden.

Part of communication is listening

 Children and lovers are two of the distinct groups of people that you can love with every fibre of your being, and systematically want to wipe off the face of the planet.  In many cases the causes are similar.  Listening and understanding are not being achieved.  The question is how do you then get through to someone either not willing, or not prepared to listen?  With children it's easy, we enforce rules.  With partners, unless you want to play the role of parent it's a little more complicated.

If your partner isn't willing to listen all you can do is decide what rules you are going to abide by.  Set them and hold true to yourself.  In doing so you also have to accept the consequences that go with your own rules.  Sometimes those consequences mean having to walk away.  Sometimes for good.  

Trust Me

It's perfectly fine to fight for someone who loves you.  It's absolutely not okay to fight for someone to love you.  There's a huge difference. 

I see couples in public acting as though being together, being an actual team is the most difficult and trying thing in their lives.  How can you possibly state that you are in a relationship, let alone a loving relationship when it's so obvious to everyone around that you haven't an ounce of trust.  I cannot for the life of me imagine living day in and out with someone I didn't trust. 

Mine

I saw him.
I saw him in his completeness.
I saw his successes and his failures.
I saw him.
I refused to look away.

Intimacy

Intimacy might not be a four letter word, but it is a four-syllable word for, ''Here are my heart and soul. Please grind them into hamburger and enjoy. '' It's both desired and feared, difficult to live with  and impossible to live without. Intimacy also comes attached to life's three R's: Relatives, romance and regrets. There are some things you can't escape. And other things you just don't want to know.

You are the first person they see in the morning. You say please. You say thank you. You apologize for waking them up. You make them feel good about you. Why is that important? 'Cause then they'll talk to you and tell you what's wrong. Why is that important? Because then you can tell them how you are what they need to know. And why is that important? Because if you can't communicate with the ones you love, you won't make it through the hard stuff.

I wish there were a rule book for intimacy. Some kind of a guide that could tell you when you've crossed the line. You don't want lose anyone like that. It would be nice if you could see it coming. And I don't know, be able to fit it on a map and plan it's route. You take intimacy where you can get it and keep it as long as you can.

And as for rules. Maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself.

Adulting The Adults

Taking care of children they say, "can be the most difficult and rewarding experience you'll ever face."  I know this to be true as a parent, however they are only half right.  It can indeed be difficult, and yes it is rewarding!  Nothing is more rewarding than seeing one of your children succeed in the lessons you've taught them and in turn put said lesson into practice.  However, parenting children is by far, to my mind, easier than having to adult over other adults.

Adulting other adults, especially when those grown rascals have decided to engage "difficulty mode: to level 9" surpasses challenging.  Not only does it surpass it, but it then delves headlong into a battle of wits and moves so sly if you were any better they'd slap a tail on you and call you foxy!  Adulting inebriated adults, well that comes with a range of emotions and skill levels.  Humourous, annoying, tiresome, vexing, confounding, and down right fucked up.  Being the voice of reason in these situations, when you appear to be the only one with your wits about you, takes courage, nerves of steel, and a firm grip on your own sanity.  It will all be tested.

Add fire, bright ideas, and stubbornness....

Well now you're just going to need rope.  Whether you opt to use it on them, or yourself; that is an answer only you can decide.  Just remember, you are not alone.  Emergency rooms across the globe are filled with the morons we love; even tenuously in these moments with those adults who chose to utter, "hold my beer."  You can spot them quite easily; they are the adults with at least one other adult sitting next to them with a mixture of resting bitch face and a concerned look laced with murderous intent. 

Happy Anniversary-ish?

We did it! We made it. We're here.

I cannot recall for the life of me, anyone ever having a serious discussion about what marriage is like.  Of course there were the old hens nattering here and there about their husbands, but nary a one ever sat with me to say; "there will be good times, bad times, and times of sheer hell."  Then again marriage was never actually on my bucket list.  Nor were children for that matter.  Funny how things change.  We've each been married before, we both brought adult children into the mix, plus a bit of baggage here and there.  Now here we stand.  Still smiling, still laughing, still finding out new things, and still very much in love.  We haven't had the fairy tale romance I dreamt of as a little girl, nor have we had the Hollywood love affair I fantasized about as an adolescent. But you know what? I'm grateful for that.

What we have is real.  Even without all those papers, even without a start white gown, you and I have a real marriage.  It hasn't been perfect, and it hasn't been easy and, honestly, it hasn't always been pleasant.  But, still, I'm grateful.  Because life isn't perfect, and life isn't easy, and life isn't always pleasant.  And you and I?  We've built a life together.  A life we will continue to build upon, because our foundation isn't set upon falsehoods. 

Through ex's, sickness, family, vacations, deaths, health scares and literally every other high and low (and up and down) that one can go through...you've been there with me.  You've been my rock. You've been my anchor.  You've been my person.  Just as those vows say, you've been there for me in good times and in bad.  In sickness and in health.  You haven't left my side.

Marriage is hard, but also beautiful.  Marriage is hard because life is hard, but that doesn't make either any less beautiful. So here's my pledge to you: I'm going to stop concentrating on the hard, and I'm going to start concentrating on the beautiful.

I'm not going to worry so much about the pile of bills on the counter, the fridge that's more freezer than fridge, instead, I'm going to concentrate on the here and the now and the blessings.  Because we have so many blessings.  I'm going to concentrate on remembering to slow down and take time to quite literally smell the roses.  With any luck this summer it will be the roses we plant together.  I'm going to remember that life is short, and that tomorrow isn't guaranteed.

Chores can wait. Life won't.

I Forgot...

I forgot how opening up makes me vulnerable. 
I forgot  how easily it is to think things are perfectly fine, when they're not really fine at all.
I forgot that loving someone doesn't mean they'll love you in return.
I forgot that loving someone doesn't mean they always respect you. 

Reality Bytes

No relationship, no matter how well established, is perfect.  Crossed lines of communication, forgetful behaviour, taking one another for granted are all unintentional occurrences that can arise from time to time.  It is our methods in dealing with such things can can make or break a relationship. 

Here's to living and learning.

Spring to Life

I've never understood peoples aversion to the arts.  The arts in all it's various forms, both reminds and shows me a view of the world that's passionate, brighter and darker, more vibrant.  I refuse to allow others to diminish that view.  There was a time in my life where happiness, passion, and hope were the things of dreams.  I do not want to go back to a world without that light.  I want this feeling to last forever.

I want to leave something more than impressive birthday and holiday cards to remember me by.  There is so much beauty in the world.  And that's all that matters.  Inspiration.  Passion.  Love.  The heart wants what it wants.  Who are we to deny it?  Apparently, that old mix CD I listened to was a gateway drug.  I'm going to need a more substantial fix.  It's part of the reason I am so madly in love with The Pirate.  He's openly passionate, and hasn't an issue expressing that I am someone he's passionate about.  I don't have to beg for his attention. 

The passionate mind however, can be selfish.  It's so focused on what it desires, reason becomes background noise.  I have never been one to mince words with what I want.  I've never expected my partner to be a mind reader, thus I've been known to state "I want you, now."  I hear so many others wandering around in a fog of indecision and lackluster lives.  There are many nights they could have been with the one that they desire.  However they chose to stay home, partake in things that require no connecting with others.  Days they could have spent sucking the marrow out of life, instead of wasting time building a résumé for a life they'll never have. 

There were parts of me that were dead for so long.  I am eternally grateful that I now have a partner who inspires me to always allow my passions to not just spring to life, but to be celebrated.

Bliss

I spent months, years even; bemoaning all that was taken from me.  It never occurred to me that I'd have something to give.  A way to contribute.  A reason for being not...dead.

To sleep, perchance to not dream.  All I needed was some hope that there's a future that I fit into somehow.  At last. 

Sweet blissful sleep.

That Stew Needs Less Spice

I like to whistle while I work.  Not really, but I do like a tune to groove too; upbeat and demanding I hustle my buns.  It's a workable system.  Now while I am not permitted to wear headphones while I work there are no clearly defined rules against bluetooth speakers.  Thus my dilemma of how to keep motivated and make even greater numbers was solved, many gadget driven moons ago.  Ah my love of technology knows few bounds.

Last night however I did the unthinkable.  I worked sans music.  It wasn't my best idea ever.  Oh I still hustled.  I even made damn fine numbers.  I also mind you allowed those niggling thoughts in to take center stage, that my music more often than not drowns out.  It's never pretty when I get this way.  There I was hustling in and out of my cell when this thought popped clear as day into my head.  "Pirates pet name that I alone call him, has been the butt of many a joke; and yet here are two people I'm perturbed with using it like its all theirs to use. well I'm never using it again."  My brain and angry heart shouted.

Thus began the next 4 hours of brain drain.  It's not a pet name that anyone else would use for him.  It was something private and quite personal.  It meant something to he and I, and while a few others were privy to it; I never dreamed they would use it.  in exceedingly simplistic terms, it's like ones toothbrush.  It's there, we all use one.  We know most if not everyone else has one, but would we walk into another's personal space and just use it?  Well, no.  it's an invasion of personal space and even another's intimacy.  The thought of these two specific people using something so personal and special to me, made my stomach turn and the bile rise in my throat. 

It bothers me far more than I like to admit.  Even to myself.  What is this feeling?  Jealousy?  Discomfort?  Annoyance?  Pride?  Possessiveness?  It's all very unclear to me, as I am not one to feel those emotions.  I dislike it muchly!

     

Papers

Certificates, outside of those that earn me a larger income or the possibility to earn a larger income, have never actually meant anything to me.  Those certificates or documentation that are by all rites a societal standard, birth, death, marriage, baptism to me are nothing more than a waste of paper.  They are for government use and bear no actual meaning to my life.  I know I am alive, I know whom I love, I know that I began dying the very day I was born as are we all; so why are these papers so important to so many.  Or is the better question why do so many require these papers to give their lives meaning or worth?

I am garnering that the marriage certificate is more important to Pirate than I had originally understood, if last nights comment is to be accepted at face value.  I am unsure at this moment how I actually feel or as how to proceed with the information I have.  As I've stated more than once now, I hold absolutely no importance in marriage licenses or documentation.  Far too many people believe that a marriage certificate magically creates a barrier for their partners, or the outside world.  Possibly both; in terms of stopping wandering eyes and infidelity.  Statistics have readily debunked that theory, as have countless episodes of Jerry Springer.       

Yet here I sit, contemplating the logistics of such documentation to please, or is it appease the man I love and the fact that he would prefer I have his last name, and not the current on upon my SIN card.

It's not an accidental entanglement; 

it's an intentional knot. Love belongs 

with belonging.   

Maman Kind of Night

It wasn't a bad day, work was a beautiful thing last evening.  I'm somewhere I enjoy and that challenges me to push myself harder.  It's a new machine, which few know anything about or even how to fix.  I have worked 90% of it out on my own.  It's a good feeling.  For someone like me it's a requirement to keep my overly active brain busy and thus rather tired.  That overly active brain of mine has as of late been way too active and not happy with the world at large.

I am finding that I am missing the adult time that I had become accustomed to.  Or quite possibly it is the connection I felt when we were that intimate.  I could pout and sulk like a child, yet this maturity has given me the grace to understand that like all things, this too  must ebb and flow.  I do believe that our sheer exhaustion has had a great deal to do with it all.  We've been through a great deal this last month, much of which has been both stressful and disappointing.  I am looking forward to things smoothing out and our connection growing deeper. 

Do You Doubt Your Partner?

I am fortunate enough to say, I do not doubt my partner at all.  The one major rule we have is and has always been, complete honesty.  Sometimes it can be  uncomfortable, but it is so worth it and it has made us stronger.  However if you are doubting any part of your relationship or your partner try asking yourself a few or all of these questions. 

There are no right or wrong answers, just answers that will give you greater insight. 

1. Do you completely trust each other?
2. Do you believe in soul mates, and if so, do you believe you are each other’s?
3. When was the last time you said, “I love you?” If it’s been a while, why?
4. Are you satisfied with the intimacy you share?
5. How often do you laugh together?
6. Do you feel you have made personal sacrifices for your relationship, and have they been reciprocated?
7. When you think of your partner, do you smile?
8. Do you feel threatened when others find your partner attractive, and why?
9. Do you believe your partner is your biggest advocate?
10. How do you feel about your partner’s views on finances?
11. Do you enjoy spending time with your partner’s relatives? Friends?
12. Do either of you dredge up resentments in arguments, and why have you struggled to let them go?
13. How do you feel when your partner arrives home after being away?
14. Is your partner your best friend?
15. Is there a secret you are keeping that if your partner knew, you feel you would lose them?
16. Do you feel that your partner accepts you?
17. When did you realize you had fallen in love, and how do you feel when you think about it?
18. Have you seen each other at your best and worst?
19. Would you ever consider having an affair? Why? Why not?
20. Are you excited about your future together?
21. Do you feel your relationship is a true partnership?
22. When was your last romantic outing?
23. Does it bother you if your partner has friends of the opposite sex, and why?
24. Do you accept each other’s belief systems?
25. When was the last time you talked about your future together, and were you on the same page?
26. Do you feel as if you can communicate without saying a word?
27. What is your happiest memory of your time together? Your worst? Are there more happy memories than unhappy ones?
28. What is a relationship deal breaker for you, and have you overlooked one in this relationship?
29. How do you feel about the last, in-depth conversation you and your partner had?
30. Do you show your love for each other often, and if not, why?

Touch Me Not

Touch Me…

There are walls and then there are walls.

Mine is tall and solid and circular, like some fantastical castle tower.  His is much the same though fortified with steel, and without even the one high window.  Mine just so happens to be made of glass, smooth and perfectly clear.  You can see right through to the center.

It would make more objective sense, considering my history, if I hid inside rough mortared stone like his and made everyone spend years scaling the rocks with their bare raw fingers and toes if they wanted in,  but for whatever reason, that has never been how it works.  The people who get inside do so effortlessly, often instantly, passing through the invisible barrier like ghosts.  The selection mechanism is both instinctive and imperfect.

Admittedly I had to work harder and with a greater sense of relentlessness to break through his walls than he did mine.  The greatest distress comeing from suddenly finding someone inside the wall when the logical part of my brain can't justify it, can't find any reason to trust that this person isn't going to skin me alive.

Then again at this point, I don't have any skin left.

So there you are, one of those for whom the walls were so much mist.  You're in, and I'm vulnerable, and so I've got to reconcile the emotional and rational parts of my brain as quickly as possible, by either deciding you belong here or shoving you back out and shoring up those sections that allowed you to pass through so effortlessly so that you stay out.

It's a stupid system.  It's the only one I've got.  There are many other kinds of walls: rough stone towers, rings of fire, murky moats both with and without drawbridges.  Sometimes I wish for another — one more opaque, more inviting, more cruel than my own.  I don't, however, ever wish to have no wall at all.

I don't have any skin left.  I still want to be touched, raw and sore as I am, but I can't bear the pain. Fear battles need.  I push more people back outside now than I once did, and I don't know whether I'm saving or punishing myself.

You, there. Yes. Come, touch the glass.

Risk Vs. Reward

It’s something many weigh before doing something for another.

I don’t.

What I give, I give freely should someone choose to abuse that or speak poorly of me behind my back for it, that only speaks to their character not mine.

I will remain as I always have. Head held high.

💋

Kings and Queens

Heavy is the had that wears the crown.

He wants a queen, I just want to be happy. Can I be both?  As of yet, I have my doubts.  Historically speaking a queen without a king is far more powerful to be certain but be she with her king or not the fact remains that queens have to continually fight to keep what's theirs.  History has shown us that kings far more often than not treat their queen like shit, bedding servants, treating them as a brainless pieces of arm candy, using them to attain that which they truly desire, and when tiring of them...well off with her head.

Doesn't sound like a life filled with laughter and joy to me.

So you want me to be your queen, prove me wrong.