Almost a milestone

Hey Woman,

So happy early birthday.  I know I know we kind suck at remembering this day, but look at us now... a day early!  Might still be a dollar short but t's all good sugah.  We've seen some years pass haven't we?  Mid forties.  How the fuck we made it this far without greater head trauma, life certainly is full of mysteries!  So 40-something tomorrow.  I know you're right I still have to count it out to actually know our age.  Still doesn't mean a damn thing to us.  By all accounts, people consider you a fully grown, mature woman.  HA!  Morons, the lot of them.  Or are they right?  Have we actually hit full grown, mature woman state?  I mean we're not really great with the sticking to an exercise routine, and eating by 'the pyramid'. I'm not sure where all that wine fits in on the pyramid.

Unlike mother we don't wash our sheets each Monday, but ehy; it's just us sleeping on them.  We do refuse to stop renting as opposed to owning.  As grown as we are I just can't see us buying a house.  The stable relationships we have aren't of the romantic variety, but the're pretty damn fantastic nontheless.  Yes, we still throw our clothes on the floor when tired, and whe we do wear makeup we rarely wash it off before going to bed.  I know there always seems to be more month than money, but we've ome a few miles.  A few very rocky and ruff terrain miles and we are still standing.

We have figured out that "she's not our compitition," and that's pretty empowering.  No we still can't rock heels and the girl next door hair but we're doing okay.  We work hard, laugh harder, and love fiercly.  I think those should always be at the top of the plus coloum.  We've helped more than hurt and I think in many ways we'll be leaving this little rock a little better off than when we first entered it.  Plus look at the kids.  They are fucking amazing!!  Smart, funny, carring, compassionate, driven.  They've maintained friendships and jobs with equal zest and accomplishment.

So yeah, welcome to 40-something. The view isn't really that bad is it?  Tomorrow we'll be another year older, and no we're not where so many expected us to be at this time, but we're breathing on our own and have full access to our faculties.  The possibilities really are endless.  So tomorrow, when we want to roll our eyes at something daft we've done, stop.  Just stop for a moment and smile.  We've made it this far and we're still going strong.  We've some rather unique qualities.  Yes, they are a mixture of blessings and curses alike but they are ours.  Keep doing you and remember to drink more water.

Shine on.

Panic Mode Enabled

Waking up after a couple hours sleep to think you've slept through and entire day and into the next. Of course this is followed by panic, rushing around and crying thinking I've not fed the dogs 2 meals and failed to run them. Tripping over the babygate, cat and two pair of shoes finally slowing my paniced progress while Mattea shakes her head laughing at me, and trying to reassure me that I've only had a two hour nap.

 I might be overtired 😴

Do you?

“Do you fall in love often?" 

Yes often. With a view, with a book, with a dog, a cat, with numbers, with friends, with complete strangers, with nothing at all.”
 ― Jeanette Winterson, Gut Symmetries

Where the rivers meet the sea

Many moons ago, I lived in a remote town of Tejas. Old as the hills and dry as the desert sands. Lockhart, TX. A little “working town” outside of Austin, where men held doors and women knew what standing by their man, meant. We move a lot over the years, but this home became a pivot point in my life. When everything around me seemed to be in flux, and I felt at times to be in a free fall. The hub of a spinning wheel of thoughts and emotions as I made the transition from hopeful into realistic. It remains the most harrowing, and strangely romantic time of my life.

Walking out of work this morning amidst an early October chill, I smelled it again and my heart ached. That indescribable scent of the early morning dew beginning to seep into the earth beneath my feet as the sun fights it way through the clouds to greet us. It will always bring me back to The South. I long for the solitude and the pain of those days. Days when the whole world felt like an exposed nerve, so painful and so immediate that the future and the past became meaningless. The only thing that existed was the desolation of the moment. Clear skies tinged with oranges and reds, and the sounds of wind rustling the tall grass surroundingredients mesquite trees. The shadows dancing over ranch and surrounding outbuildings; the cattle at the edge of the field beckoning me to follow.

These days stumble on towards a future that I cannot see. Yet I know that somewhere at the end of these wanderings I will return. Return to a different time and place perhaps, but unmistakably to the South. Back to the silent musings of southern charm where I can breathe and watch the world change around me. The still point that stretches a moment into eternity and calls my name with a sweet longing and promise of more.

Rain Upon My Face

The thickened blanket of clouds send rain like unending tears. The drops land against my window, creating legs like wine on my glass. Gravity drawing the rivulets against their will relentlessly downward. Hypnotized by the patter, I hold my umbrella loosely, almost forgetting my stop. Puddling on the ground, the waters rise, and begin to flow taking my thoughts with them. Streams become creeks, creeks become rivers, rivers flowing onward to an invisible ocean of memory. In this dim half-light the line between wake and dreaming blurs. I long for a warm body to curl into. My thoughts trail off as the first splash from the skies land upon my face. Will it forever be this way? More importantly, does it even matter?

Pace yourself

I grew up in a home filled with constant commotion and noise. TV blaring. Music thrumming. People yelling. Dishes clanging. Wooden furniture squeaking.

I despised the noise. But when the yelling abruptly stopped, it meant that someone was about to get hit, so I hated the silence more. I associated silence with violence for a long time. I filled my space with noise and chaos and it felt good. Comfortable. 

After moving out on my own, my home didn't have a TV, it merely contained a boom box (yes I am dating myself) alas my neighbours were old and liked peace. So to be a good neighbour the noise was minimal at best. (literal or figurative) Thus I would pace. I'd just walk around, back and forth running the floor plan like a caged wolf. After my first born arrived, I found that pacing wasnt the answer so we'd walk. I'd walk him for hours on end all throughout the city.

As time moved on as it alwas does, I noticed that I paced less. I'd embraced walking out among the world and it's inhabitants. Enjoying all that they and nature had to offer. I'd distanced myself from those that I'd once called family. Limiting our contact and time together. For many years I maintained absolutely no contact with my birth family, and I actually began to find a sense of peace. I still adore the outdoors and walking / hiking for hours on end; however error there is no pacing.

Happily, I have discovered that I am exceptional at sitting quietly. Peacefully. I from time to time have exploited the shit out of that skill. Here's to all of us finding our inner peace. It truly is a gift that keeps on giving.

I laugh, you laugh, then I shake my head and walk away

That title pretty much sums up my interactions so with a great many people. I'm well beyond wasting what precious time I have on fruitless relationships, or weird men whom somehow think that a compliment is a contract.  Don't get me wrong a compliment is a lovely thing indeed. Be it in person or via social media. However complimenting me on my looks, well that will get you a polite thank you. Bring your A game and engage me in actual conversation that doesn't involve you gushing over how pretty I am and you're golden.

The fact is, I hold little to no value on looks. Mine or yours. Yes, we all have something about a person that we will find attreactive but that's just the eye opener to taking a chance on finding out more. I have in recent months recieved countless messages ranging from, "you are a goddess, how I could worship you for hours" to the "hi, I find you really hot care to snapchat or email?" Of course there's the ever charming, "wow you're cute! Have any more pictures?" Each of these messages causes one or two of the same reactions. 1: I roll my eyes and vomit in my mouth a little or 2: I laugh at the absurdity of it all and promise to remain single forever.

As has been noted many times, I do enjoy my own company. I feel no need to surround myself by those with superficial or stunted social skills. Engage my brain, be compassionate, love animals, be an advocate, have tattoos, have a well functioning brain, be circumsized, respect our service men and women. Don't be a simpering little duche bag. (Ie: grown men don't fucking whine.) I'm a simple gal really. The later is as big a turn off as the recent comments of, "omg I just can't look away..." repeated ad nauseum in 15 messages sent daily by someone I've never held an actual conversation with over one of my pictures.

One of the other questions that makes me shake my head is, "do you like big dicks?" And of course all of the other variations of that question. I tend to respond do with a snazzy comment like, "not if their attached to even bigger assholes." Both penises and vaginas are fabulous things, but if that's all you have to offer someone; well that's pretty sad. Seriously if the guy or girl you're dating opens with a greeting of "did you miss my _____" it's time to find a new partner. I don't think, no I know I wouldn't be able to hold my laughter in at the absurdity of such a question from someone whose supposed to value me as a partner.