The Ultimate Queen

We whom live for the dance, feel a sense of bereftness when that dance must end suddenly.  Yes even should two have danced together for a great many years.  Those years created a unique rhythm, steps that required no such anticipation of the new partner, these steps were always true and led by our hearts.  Today one dance ended so abruptly that I found myself unable to maintain my footing. 

What a world we are living in

What a week.... what a world we are living in.

“Love and civil discussion is always the answer to hate.”

Not always easy is it when you have groups like white supremacists, neo-nazi's, Nazi's, independent militia men and those that claim to be nothing more than the 'Alt-right' or nationalists; whom we all understand to be racists and anti semitic plain and simple are so brazenly and seemingly accepted. Or at the very least given way to spew their horrific beliefs publicly, some toting semiautomatic weapons without recourse. Yet when BLM men and women whom are justifiably fed up with the treatment they have and are receiving are met with riot gear. Or those peacefully protesting the DAP are met with attack dogs. It's hard not to think we're in a world gone completely fucking mad.

I am often loud and brash and well those that like me would say, “she's a free spirit, and she loves dogs, the environment and veterans most but yeah she can be pretty intolerant to those she morally disagrees with. She's got a good heart but if you push her too far she'd scare the shit out of you with her temper and her willingness to go to jail for something she truly believes in.” They would be correct. I am most certainly imperfect, flawed, and often times a real pain in the ass and exceedingly difficult to like let alone love when fighting for social justice issues that hurt my heart, or more importantly to me; those that I love. I thank those of you who continue to love me regardless, and must thank my children for always standing by me, even when it might be embarrassing or down right hard as hell.

I have always been and will forever remain unapologetically, “Government over big business, the individual over the government, the environment over everything....and Native Americans... give them anything they want. We stole their land and continue to treat them as interlopers on their own soil!” After all there isn't much to fight over once it's just a big dead rock with humans and animals alike having been tortured and slaughtered for corporate profit.

I do firmly believe that there is a time to stop talking and take action, much to many peoples horror. Pacifists and I will never see eye to eye, nor will those whom claim neutrality. I have always believed and will always believe that complacency and silence in the face of bigotry, racism, misogyny, and discrimination makes you part of the problem. No not necessarily “all ....people need to die kind of racist” but yes you handed them the rope, or bat and turned a blind eye kind of racist. Over the last few years I have cut those people out of my life and will continue to do so as they crop up.

For if good (wo)men do nothing, tis evil enough.

I am blessed to have a rainbow of family, friends, and acquaintances from so many different races, cultures, religions, and sexual orientations. It is my heartfelt hope that each of you know I love you for who you are, and am so very thankful to have you and your various and rich cultures and belief systems as a part of my life, even though I may not always understand you or you, I. You help to not only broaden my knowledge base but through your love and acceptance of my often times difficult self, make me a better human being. My daughters Angel and Mattea, your bravery to live your truth makes me brave in return. Quincy, your steadfast, critical thinking self reminds me to temper my emotions look deeper and our honesty with one another makes me continue to hold myself accountable. Michael I could not have asked for a better brother, friend, and voice of reason; I am honoured to call you family. Alyssa and Jaiden, your acceptance and love have always filled me with joy, you are family and I love you. 

Rose, Floyd, Les Jr. & Sr. your calmness, dedication, and constant support have always meant the world to me. Karen your drive is something I aspire too, I am so proud of you. Teri, your perseverance and eye for the beauty in nature never fail to make me pause and remember to appreciate those little things around me.Darla, Jess, Asha, and Mist your enduring love are beacons of light in an all too often dark world. Jess you are a kick ass fantastic human being and I am so damn glad to have met you and been allowed to share in your past and present, woman you are so damn strong! Gill and Alison your passion to help others be they human or animal remind me to centre myself and keep going when all I want to do it quit. Tieg, Bronwen, and Peyton your blunt honesty and kindness keep me honest and proud to have you in my life.  Mark and Jayne, your kindness, sense of adventure, consummate respect and abiding love for each other; and those whom you interact with reminds me that these traits never go out of style and keep the embers of hope in my heart burning bright.

Thank you all for being exactly who you are, and thank you for allowing me to be a part of your lives even in the smallest of ways. Should any of you stumble, have doubts, or want to just give up; know you are loved dearly.

The Reality of Online Dating

I've heard both men and women equally lamenting that dating in this modern world exceptionally hard. Each had emailed those they were interested in, and no matter how witty or personally-interested or polite they were, some of the people didn't email back.  I will openly admit that I am just as guilty of this.  I do not however get upset when someone I have contacted doesn't respond to me at all.  I accept and understand that in the world of online dating that attraction plays a huge role.  If there isn't an ounce of attraction, then no matter how witty, charming, kind, or brilliant the person is; it just won't work. Now for those few occasions that I responded with a generic response of, "Thank you for your interest, I do not however believe we are a match."  There have been very few who took that response in a positive light.  8 out of 10 fired back an angry email, delving into what a shallow whore I was and that they weren't surprised I was single as I was far too ugly to be dating anyhow.  Now I see this for what it is an refuse to take any such responses personally.  In truth I find it mildly humorous, rather sad, and very enlightening.

 There are of course those that did strike up a correspondence, more often than not they drifted off. This is, in many people's estimation, proof that the average guy or girl just can't catch a break, or the "nice guys and girls always finish last" mentality.  It is, however my belief, merely proof that the average guy or girl, no matter how well intentioned doesn't understand that average isn't "You tell someone you like them, a beautiful romance with passion thus ensues."  Online dating is a lot of swings-and-misses, for damn near everyone. You're gonna have way more misses than swings - and if you can't handle that, you're going to end up a massive ball of frustration and resentment.  The dating scene is rife with people looking for connections and not finding them; people not checking their emails, people drifting off, people having a few exchanges that dribble away into nothingness.   Convincing yourself that there's someone "with all the right answers" as though they are the Babe Ruth of dating, pointing at the bleachers and hitting every home run, is just gonna sour you.  In truth, very few people get everyone they want, mainly because most people are angling just a bit out of their depths.  The moderately decent-looking guy is seeking someone a little hotter than he is, that hot girl is seeking not sex but an actual relationship.  Just as often still people are not completely honest about what they truly want. 

I'm not saying it's fun, nor am I saying it's all bad.  I hate it when I talk to someone and they seem cool and then the connection disappears for reasons I never quite get to understand.  Even as I know that I've done that to people, and it's rarely if ever malicious - I've got an exceptionally busy life and finding someone who can accept that and have the patience to fit in with it all is rare.  Sometimes I think, "Oh, that person was cool, whatever happened to them?" and I realize with a shock that oh, wait, I didn't respond.  And some people, well, the connection just isn't there.  There's only so many "hey there's" and "whats up's" or "You're hot we should hook up sometime" I can handle before I realize they're not carrying on their side of the conversation or showing me anything of great depth.  But my point is that online dating is frustration.  You put yourself out there, and you'll get more frogs than princes.  That's not because you're unworthy, or because you're below average - it's because that maddening lack of connection is the average, and what's making you miserable is believing that somehow you don't deserve this.   Nobody deserves it.  But most people are getting it on some level. So stop embracing the pity party, it's not that "you suck" or that "they all suck."  The fact of the matter is, dating and the vast unknow can suck.  It can however also be amazing.

Take A Look Around

I cannot say, nor agree with those whom claim that time heals all wounds.  Some wounds just never actually heal.  The pain as fresh as the moment it occurred, and yet we carry on.  Time while not a great healer of anything in my not so humble opinion, is a lesson barror.  Time allows us the ability to learn how to live with the pain in those instances which we finally understand that it never truly leaves us.

Do better.

Attract what you expect.
Reflect what you desire.
Become what you respect.
Mirror what you admire.

For The Love of Dog

Mako came to me as an owner surrender. I had been pleading with him for well over a year to relinquish ownership of her to me. He hadn't the time, or willingness to care for her as any pet should be cared for, leaving her crated for upwards of 16 hours a day without food, water, or potty breaks. She sat alone and frustrated in her crate until he came home or was put into the care of a minor child who hadn't the skills to train or deal with a now anxious and neglected working dog like Mako.   Before she was surrendered to me, he attempted to make his money back by selling her to a less than decent human being whom only served to further Mako's abuse before she fought back.   Returned to her origional owner Mako's behaviour was far worse and her trust in humans was at an all time low.

I however fell in love with this block headed girl the moment I laid eyes on her. I've always adored and worked with large breed working dogs and knew I could give Mako a far better life than the one facing her were she was. She was fearful, unsocialized, anxious, and aggressive in a number of respects. Behaviours that would have led to her certain death in a shelter. Yet all of this was due to her lacking in care from her previous owner. This was not her fault and killing her was not the answer. Anyone having owned an American Bulldog (or any dog!) knows what fabulous family dogs they make when raised in a loving home, with proper boundaries and exercise. Sadly Mako had none of these things, that is until she entered into my home and care.

Mako has made tremendous strides and overcome a great many issues. My daughter and I work with Mako daily, and have gained her love and trust through a long laborious process. But it is a labour of love. We do love her so very much. It took us a great deal of time and patience to have Mako accept the other dog in our home as pack, but we did it! We taught her to eat from our hands as she had severe bowl/food aggression; and we've overcome that too! Mako has worked with a behaviourist, in further efforts to allow her to relax and just enjoy being a beloved pet. Once again she had made great strides! 

To my complete shock and utter sadness a week ago Mako's forward momentum into being a happy dog seemed to be regressing. With no outside changes in our home, or the constant care we provide for her we are now having to face the reality that this regression into antisocial and anxious behaviours is something more physical. Mako has been failed by too many humans in the past, I cannot fail her as they have. 

While she trusts myself primarily, she is not trusting of other humans. This includes the vet and vetting staff. As such Mako must be given strong sedatives and muzzled before we can even get her into the vets to ensure everyone's safety. I am extremely realistic about her limitations and always take every precaution necessary to protect everyone who must interact with Mako. Just as I cannot fail Mako, I will not fail my fellow humans by allowing her to cause harm to another. 

Mako and I have bonded. She knows and accepts my love and leadership, trusting that I will do her no harm. Through that trust, I know of her love for me. There are no external sources for Mako's regressing behaviour so I must now do what we continually dread, taking her in for numerous tests at the vets. 

I have already taken steps to aid in this by taking a job which allows me to work night shifts, so that I may be home with Mako during the day while she is at her most alert. Doing so allows me to work more with her during the day and keep her on a routine that gives her consistency and structure, as we try to assess with the aid of the vet just what is going on. Our biggest fears are that it is something neurological or tumor-wise. As my suspicions mount in that direction I am preparing for the long and costly battle ahead, which is why I am reaching out to you... The last time I went through this with a beloved pet my costs ran upwards of 15,000 dollars. I am prepared to take on the majority of those costs but know I will also now require some help from others as well. 

It would mean the world to both Mako and I if you could find it in your hearts to help us give her the fighting chance at just being a beloved happy family member as she was born to be. 

Any funds not used in Mako's vet care will go towards the rescue and rehabilitation of another deserving furry soul,  be it by me or through another organization.  For I firmly believe in doing my all until all the cages are empty. And what an amazing day that will be for human and animal alike. 

From the bottom of my heart I thank you!

https://www.gofundme.com/makos-vet-care

Good-Bye Old Friend

After an evening in the hospital, it was time.  Time to say those final good byes.  Our hearts hurt.