Not Today

Self care is an important part of anyone's life.  Many forget that, or choose to ignore it; I know for many years I did.  I no longer do that.  I know and understand that if I am unable to care for myself then I am most certainly unable to care for anyone else.  Lessons learned.

Yesterday and today still, I am not in the mood to listen to others trivial bulshit.  I don't want to hear how hard it is for you to be apart from your girlfriend, or how you just don't like having to do those dishes that other leave lying around.  Those are all fixable things.  Easily fixable things.  They aren't the end of the world.  They are temporary issues, and your sitting around complaining about them isn't going to change any of it.  We all have little issues, triggers if you will; but they are on us to correct them.  So do it.

I've a loved one whom likes to whine and complain about those issues.  Of course this complaining can continue nonstop for an hour easily.  It is an hour of my time I am not willing to give up. 

  "Where do they teach you to talk like this? In some Panama City "Sailor wanna hump-hump" bar, or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here."  -As Good As It Gets

I am not answering the phone, nor am I taking in visitors.  I am grieving and will do so for as long as I need to.  No complaining, no explaining.  Those that decide to throw hissy fits over it, well they can go pound rock-salt.  Zero fucks will be given.  Zero. Decide what you want out of your life and then make it happen.  Today I will cry, today I will laugh, today I will simply be.  Tomorrow I will go back to work, and I will smile when and where I need to.  I will be an active member of society, and I will fake it to the very best of my ability. 

Tomorrow.

My Mako

Anyone knowing or following me knows that I am a fierce advocate of rescue and rehabilitation of animals.  I loathe backyard breeders and animal abusers with an equal passion.  The devastation, broken trust, and harm they cause is beyond infuriating.  Mako was one such case.  She was my labour of love.  While we taught and showed her trust, respect, and how to be a good canine citizen, she taught us patience, acceptance, love, and just what it means to really start over from scratch.

Forever my girl.

It's been quoted a millions times over, however today it holds so very true:

  “How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep.”
 ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King

We knew, we understood that this held especially true for Mako.  She gave us her all, and we loved her for it.  We gave her our all and she in turn loved us for it.  She knew how deeply we loved her.  Of that I am sure.  For as vicious as she could be, she wasn't like that with us.  Not after we had earned the right to be her pack.  What am an amazing and beautiful affirmation that was.  How precious and awe inspiring it was to me; I will forever be searching for the words to express.  In the six years that we actively worked at rehablitting Mako never once did we regret it.  We made progress by leaps and bounds, and then we have moments that seemed to take s back to the beginning.  She was our life and we were hers.

All that ended today at 3pm.  Sedatives and sedation made her less likely to attack those whom surrounded her.  We were there and we held her with each laboured breath.  What I wouldn't give to just snap my fingers and take away all those years of abuse before us.  What I wouldn't give to have her here grumbly and growly in my arms right now.  We kissed and hugged and held her.  She was afraid.  I cannot say she went gently into that good night, and I will forever be haunted by it.  It wasn't the way it should have been.  It wasn't what we wanted, it wasn't what she wanted.  It was however the right choice... The "right choice" still sits acidic on my tongue as I whisper and stand by my decision. 

Her pain ended, and took full residence within my soul.  It's mine to carry now.  I owe her that.  I owe it to her to never forget, never remain quiet, to never ever give up or in on my advocacy of animals or of those whom are unable to stand-up and speak for themselves.  I owe her that and so much more.  Today and for all my days, I will remember her just as she was.  Perfectly imperfect.  A beloved member of my pack and a permanent resident of my soul. 

Her eyes in those final moments, will haunt me forever. 

I will see you again Mako.  Over that bridge I know you wait for me, and I cannot wait to see you again.  I so love you for now, and for always.  I am broken hearted by your absence in my life. 

Nodding and Smiling

He's out of control.  She hasn't an ounce of control.  It a recipe that just screams disaster.  So here we are.  Hosting a new path while still learning about each other.  No longer childless or alone in our growth or travels.  He's a child, just.  He's no life skills, or discernible means of being on his own.  Thats is ours to correct now.  Human or animal related why do I continue to be given things that other's wish to throw away?

I take on the challenge happily.  Or at least something close to that emotion.  But yes, I do have concerns.  I do have a fear or two.  May they remain just those things on my peripheral and may they never become a reality.  I've never agreed with our societal, "just get a new one" mentality.  I suppose it's time to put y money where my mouth is.   

I cannot help but wonder if I will always have to spend my life fixing what other's break.  It's a thankless job, but it does have it's rewards.  Let's hope the path to those rewards do not cost me, my sanity.