My Mako

Anyone knowing or following me knows that I am a fierce advocate of rescue and rehabilitation of animals.  I loathe backyard breeders and animal abusers with an equal passion.  The devastation, broken trust, and harm they cause is beyond infuriating.  Mako was one such case.  She was my labour of love.  While we taught and showed her trust, respect, and how to be a good canine citizen, she taught us patience, acceptance, love, and just what it means to really start over from scratch.

Forever my girl.

It's been quoted a millions times over, however today it holds so very true:

  “How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep.”
 ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King

We knew, we understood that this held especially true for Mako.  She gave us her all, and we loved her for it.  We gave her our all and she in turn loved us for it.  She knew how deeply we loved her.  Of that I am sure.  For as vicious as she could be, she wasn't like that with us.  Not after we had earned the right to be her pack.  What am an amazing and beautiful affirmation that was.  How precious and awe inspiring it was to me; I will forever be searching for the words to express.  In the six years that we actively worked at rehablitting Mako never once did we regret it.  We made progress by leaps and bounds, and then we have moments that seemed to take s back to the beginning.  She was our life and we were hers.

All that ended today at 3pm.  Sedatives and sedation made her less likely to attack those whom surrounded her.  We were there and we held her with each laboured breath.  What I wouldn't give to just snap my fingers and take away all those years of abuse before us.  What I wouldn't give to have her here grumbly and growly in my arms right now.  We kissed and hugged and held her.  She was afraid.  I cannot say she went gently into that good night, and I will forever be haunted by it.  It wasn't the way it should have been.  It wasn't what we wanted, it wasn't what she wanted.  It was however the right choice... The "right choice" still sits acidic on my tongue as I whisper and stand by my decision. 

Her pain ended, and took full residence within my soul.  It's mine to carry now.  I owe her that.  I owe it to her to never forget, never remain quiet, to never ever give up or in on my advocacy of animals or of those whom are unable to stand-up and speak for themselves.  I owe her that and so much more.  Today and for all my days, I will remember her just as she was.  Perfectly imperfect.  A beloved member of my pack and a permanent resident of my soul. 

Her eyes in those final moments, will haunt me forever. 

I will see you again Mako.  Over that bridge I know you wait for me, and I cannot wait to see you again.  I so love you for now, and for always.  I am broken hearted by your absence in my life. 

Nodding and Smiling

He's out of control.  She hasn't an ounce of control.  It a recipe that just screams disaster.  So here we are.  Hosting a new path while still learning about each other.  No longer childless or alone in our growth or travels.  He's a child, just.  He's no life skills, or discernible means of being on his own.  Thats is ours to correct now.  Human or animal related why do I continue to be given things that other's wish to throw away?

I take on the challenge happily.  Or at least something close to that emotion.  But yes, I do have concerns.  I do have a fear or two.  May they remain just those things on my peripheral and may they never become a reality.  I've never agreed with our societal, "just get a new one" mentality.  I suppose it's time to put y money where my mouth is.   

I cannot help but wonder if I will always have to spend my life fixing what other's break.  It's a thankless job, but it does have it's rewards.  Let's hope the path to those rewards do not cost me, my sanity.

Tread Lightly

A touch as soft as velvet

A voice as sweet as wine

An everchanging presence

With a stimulating mind

A smile that rivals sunshine

Her laughter light upon the breeze

Her general aura is embracing

But she's apt to change with ease

I can be loud and brash, within the right circumstances and company.  More often than not however, I even while laughing and joking around am quietly listening and watching.  I observe, continually what others do over what they say; but I am always listening to what is said as well.  My circle is tight and kept that way with good reason.  There are those whom believe themselves "friends" when they are by my standards nothing more than acquaintances.  My life and feelings wouldn't change should they happen to disappear from this world tomorrow.

Life will always continue thusly.

Should someone think themselves worthy of my time and or attention, they had best bring their A game.  I suffer not those whom think themselves superior, rockstars clamoring for attention, or closed minded bigots with diarrhea of the jaw.  I've found of the years nd even recently that those with said afflictions never have a clear grasp of the woman I am, or the meaning behind my silent smile.

More's the pity for them.

One such, human as entered my life over the past three months.  She's proven herself lacking and as of yet hasn't discerned the intent behind the silent smile.  Yet she persisted and pushes the closer to the line in the sand made of crushed glass and foes of yore.  Not ever sensing the danger she eagerly throws herself towards.  Chosen ignorance, a clear lacking of decorum, social grace, and common sense are humorous to be certain.  But like all jokes, told too oven and with far too much bravado, they not only cease to be funny; they become tiresome to the point of utter rejection.

I've grown, I've matured, I've sought out better manners in which to deal with conflict.  Yet there in the shadows lurks the attitude and fortitude to back it all up, when the need arises.  For all concerned I truly hope she learns to tread lightly and understand the company she wishes to keep.  I am far from above putting her in her place, harshly.
  

Do You Doubt Your Partner?

I am fortunate enough to say, I do not doubt my partner at all.  The one major rule we have is and has always been, complete honesty.  Sometimes it can be  uncomfortable, but it is so worth it and it has made us stronger.  However if you are doubting any part of your relationship or your partner try asking yourself a few or all of these questions. 

There are no right or wrong answers, just answers that will give you greater insight. 

1. Do you completely trust each other?
2. Do you believe in soul mates, and if so, do you believe you are each other’s?
3. When was the last time you said, “I love you?” If it’s been a while, why?
4. Are you satisfied with the intimacy you share?
5. How often do you laugh together?
6. Do you feel you have made personal sacrifices for your relationship, and have they been reciprocated?
7. When you think of your partner, do you smile?
8. Do you feel threatened when others find your partner attractive, and why?
9. Do you believe your partner is your biggest advocate?
10. How do you feel about your partner’s views on finances?
11. Do you enjoy spending time with your partner’s relatives? Friends?
12. Do either of you dredge up resentments in arguments, and why have you struggled to let them go?
13. How do you feel when your partner arrives home after being away?
14. Is your partner your best friend?
15. Is there a secret you are keeping that if your partner knew, you feel you would lose them?
16. Do you feel that your partner accepts you?
17. When did you realize you had fallen in love, and how do you feel when you think about it?
18. Have you seen each other at your best and worst?
19. Would you ever consider having an affair? Why? Why not?
20. Are you excited about your future together?
21. Do you feel your relationship is a true partnership?
22. When was your last romantic outing?
23. Does it bother you if your partner has friends of the opposite sex, and why?
24. Do you accept each other’s belief systems?
25. When was the last time you talked about your future together, and were you on the same page?
26. Do you feel as if you can communicate without saying a word?
27. What is your happiest memory of your time together? Your worst? Are there more happy memories than unhappy ones?
28. What is a relationship deal breaker for you, and have you overlooked one in this relationship?
29. How do you feel about the last, in-depth conversation you and your partner had?
30. Do you show your love for each other often, and if not, why?

Touch Me Not

Touch Me…

There are walls and then there are walls.

Mine is tall and solid and circular, like some fantastical castle tower.  His is much the same though fortified with steel, and without even the one high window.  Mine just so happens to be made of glass, smooth and perfectly clear.  You can see right through to the center.

It would make more objective sense, considering my history, if I hid inside rough mortared stone like his and made everyone spend years scaling the rocks with their bare raw fingers and toes if they wanted in,  but for whatever reason, that has never been how it works.  The people who get inside do so effortlessly, often instantly, passing through the invisible barrier like ghosts.  The selection mechanism is both instinctive and imperfect.

Admittedly I had to work harder and with a greater sense of relentlessness to break through his walls than he did mine.  The greatest distress comeing from suddenly finding someone inside the wall when the logical part of my brain can't justify it, can't find any reason to trust that this person isn't going to skin me alive.

Then again at this point, I don't have any skin left.

So there you are, one of those for whom the walls were so much mist.  You're in, and I'm vulnerable, and so I've got to reconcile the emotional and rational parts of my brain as quickly as possible, by either deciding you belong here or shoving you back out and shoring up those sections that allowed you to pass through so effortlessly so that you stay out.

It's a stupid system.  It's the only one I've got.  There are many other kinds of walls: rough stone towers, rings of fire, murky moats both with and without drawbridges.  Sometimes I wish for another — one more opaque, more inviting, more cruel than my own.  I don't, however, ever wish to have no wall at all.

I don't have any skin left.  I still want to be touched, raw and sore as I am, but I can't bear the pain. Fear battles need.  I push more people back outside now than I once did, and I don't know whether I'm saving or punishing myself.

You, there. Yes. Come, touch the glass.

Risk Vs. Reward

It’s something many weigh before doing something for another.

I don’t.

What I give, I give freely should someone choose to abuse that or speak poorly of me behind my back for it, that only speaks to their character not mine.

I will remain as I always have. Head held high.

💋

Kings and Queens

Heavy is the had that wears the crown.

He wants a queen, I just want to be happy. Can I be both?  As of yet, I have my doubts.  Historically speaking a queen without a king is far more powerful to be certain but be she with her king or not the fact remains that queens have to continually fight to keep what's theirs.  History has shown us that kings far more often than not treat their queen like shit, bedding servants, treating them as a brainless pieces of arm candy, using them to attain that which they truly desire, and when tiring of them...well off with her head.

Doesn't sound like a life filled with laughter and joy to me.

So you want me to be your queen, prove me wrong.