Gross Alert

Just an FYI, when doing a great deal of energy work the results can be amazing. It can also mean that you find out that it is possible to crap your body weight in one sitting. Hey you were warned, this was going to be gross.

The Dutchman must always have a Captain!

So I think it's pretty well established that I have some unique dogs. Yes by unique I mean anti-social, animal hating man-eaters. Not really, but they are special cases I am working with. As such they do take up a great deal of my "non work hours". Well okay, so it's all constant work, home, away, with or without them. Mako has made great strides. There are more people that she's not only good with but loving towards. Yet she remains very picky in her people choosing and must always been met with respect and understanding.

This has been a yet another chink in my dating armor. Let's face facts, she is an acquired taste and the constant rules set around her and her behaviour can place great strain on a person not used to this life. As such as amiable as I can be, yes surprise, surprise, but I can be; if she isn't met with respect and thus turns on you; we will not be friends let alone dating. So a few weeks ago I tried a meet and greet over coffee. He seemed genuine and kind. He liked animals, wasn't looking for a hook-up, and was happy to meet and not carry on weeks upon weeks of texts. All good things in my book.

I told him about my in house and permanent resident rescue Mako. I didn't sugarcoat anything and even with being very blunt he wanted to meet her. He said he understood and stated "he was a total dog person". Ok cool. First hurdle done. Excellent! So I set the rules out and made sure her muzzle was on good and proper. It's a rule I have with any new meet and greet, as I do want everyone safe. Plus seeing as we were meeting for a coffee and a walk, Mako was likely to act silly if someone approached me or her without proper introduction. I am nothing if not always airing on the side of well placed caution with her and the general public.

Off we went. A few short minutes later we walked up to Mr.DogGuy. I smiled said hello,shook his hand. Mako had been quietly sniffing his leg but remained fairly intent on trying to stand between us. I corrected her behavior,having her sit stay next to me as we spoke. She was still a little tense for a proper greet. I was going to remind Mr. DogGuy of the no look, no talk to, no touching Mako rule. Before I could even utter the words No, he broke each one in one fell swoop!

Mr. DogGuy in his "dog guy" wisdom bent down grabbed her head on either side of her baskerville muzzle and ruffled her fur with a "Hi pup!" all up in her face in an excited state. Just as quick as a viper strike she slammed him in the face with her baskerville muzzle and broke his nose just as quickly. GAME ON! Now she was not only in an equally excited state but she was angry and he was at her level. Did I mention...GAME FUCKING ON! I lifted up and over with her just as one with with a dog attack so as to not be another aggressor and hauled her back to my side. She continued to growl low as a handful of people turned to see me shaking my head in disgust.

One man approached slowly palms open and at an angle. A true dog guy. Mako wasn't happy about the approach but he respected her space and didn't engage her. He held my eyes and asked calmly, "Are you okay ma'am?" I think I sounded more tired than angry when I responded "I am fine, annoyed but fine. I simply forgot how stupid people are and how they endanger everyone when they don't listen." That answer seemed to answer all his questions. He nodded and smiled a little sadly as he added, "she looks young...and really quick for a big girl!" I couldn't help myself, I laughed. "That she is, and when respected she's a total mushy girl," I added while staring down at her.

Needless to say the meet and greet portion of the date was quickly over. Mako and I went home for ice cream and played with her brother Monster. Monster being the 5 pound chihuahua, the only dog she likes. Surrounded by love and understanding and people she actually likes. It's not perfect but it is family and home as it suits us just fine.

The King and his men

stole the queen from her bed,

and bound her in her bones.

The seas be ours, and by the powers;

where we will, we'll roam.

Yo ho, all hands,

hoist the colors high.

Heave ho, thieves and beggars;

never shall we die.

Some men have died and some are alive

and others sail on the sea.

With the keys to the cage

and the devil to pay,

we lay to the fiddler's green.

Yo ho haul together,

hoist the colors high.

Heave ho, thieves and beggars;

never shall we die.

The bell has been raised

from its watery grave,

hear its sepulchral tone.

A call to all; pay heed the squall,

and turn your sails to home.

Yo ho, haul together,

hoist the colors high.

Heave ho, thieves and beggars;

never shall we die.

The king and his men

stole the queen from her bed,

and bound her in her bones.

The seas be ours, and by the powers;

where we will; we'll roam.

-Hoist the Colors

I'll Never Tell

I have a seat. Stroller positioned in front of me. Baby crying inside. I look up and see some broad smiling at me. Must be the baby. I smile back. I go to pick up the crying baby and comfort him. I look back at the broad. She's still smiling. I bury my head in the overly fucking pink floral diaper bag.

Broad: you had a baby!

I bring my head back up. She is walking towards me. I can't remember which pocket in this hell hole of a bag that I put the bear spray in just to assure the actual parents of the child he'd be safe in my care. Then my wonky memory starts doing the journal entry rolodex spin. Oh. Hmm. Wait. I know this woman. I think.

Broad: How are you Jade?

Oh she's calling me Jade, not that other name I only go by for work purposes. But I'm still drawing a blank. Okay, I know her I think. Still even with the name calling she must be from the pre-Jade memory loss age. Making her someone I knew before the age of 20.

Jade: I am good.
Broad: Oh, you had a boy! (Well yeah, and some others but this isn't one of them but I couldn't be arsed so I let her ramble) I have two boys! One is four, the other is eleven months!...I've also got ....
Jade: Oh, wow! Yeah, this is Caleb, he's almost one.
Broad: He is! Can I hold him?
Jade: Sure!  (Okay, I don't know who she is, lets not share this with the parents.)
Broad: So how is your mom and sisters? Is your mom still doing hair?

Okay, she knows my mom, and my sisters which is always a bad sign. Which could possibly mean if I don't do and say that right things from this point on I could be lectured on facebook about how I never call, write, acknowledge my family, dress appropriately, don't have a man, and  about how I was rude to some lady's daughter. And the whole thing will likely end in my stabbing myself in the face with something super duper sharp. I should have blocked them all years ago. It's not like I actually remember them! Oh I'm staring off into space again aren't I?  Answer her dumb dumb....

Jade: She is good. Old. Retired. Living in Mexico and Ontario. Sisters are good, (I think) all kinda married and having babies. (at least that's what I've read on facebook!) Oh wait the broad is talking again. Gotta keep up and focus.
Broad: Oh wow, that's cool, my mom still lives here, but I don't see her much.

Wait. Oh, okay. I totally know who this is.

Broad: I'm living out in Wawa now.
Jade: Really? On base?. ...
Broad: Sorta moved out there for a guy...(well you're a silly one aren't ya?) When was he born?
Jade: November twenty eighth.
Broad: Right after your birthday! (This broad remembers my birthday?  For the love a god why?)
Jade: No, wait, he was born the twenty ninth .
Broad: He's so big! How big was he when he was born?
Jade: 9 lbs 2 oz (I'm just guessing cause he really is big for his age)

Okay I'm back to not knowing, although she reminds me of someone. She is probably reminding me of herself. Or maybe I've hit my head again and I've just been talking to some imaginary person while people pass us by and think I'm full on cray-cray. What? It could happen. She looks real though, and oops nope she IS real. She just spit on me while talking about how she wants a tummy tuck since having kids.

Broad: I can't believe I ran into you here. Do you live back here now? I heard you moved to Tejas and then moved around the South quite a bit! I also heard you married yourself a cowboy with a gun and a badge. (She's smiling kinda maniacally)  
Jade: Yeah... I was bored one day.  Seemed a good idea. There was coffee, and a fish fry...

She's looking at me funny. I know, I live life rather shamelessly and open, but why do all these people I don't remember seem to know my migratory and mating habits? Can we start with that? I mean sure its not some big secret but who's the hoe-bag with the big mouth? Maybe I'll remember this one when I run into her at the vagina doctor thirty years from now.

Broad: I'm married now. The same guy from high school.
Jade: oh yeah? (Like it makes any difference. I don't know who she is so this ain't helping me..wait!)

Okay, high school. High school. In high school. The school bus ... Too many people. High school. Testing. Cheerleading, pep rallies, student counsel...

Broad: I'm not "Johnson" anymore!

Johnson! HAHAHA She's not a dick anymore...no no no...focus woman! Okay. High school. Standardized testing. J people.  Jennifer!  Jennifer Dick! Johnson!

Jade: I can't believe it! You look almost the same! Does... he? (Who the fuck was she dating? What was his name again?)

Jennifer: Dennis!
Jade: Yes, right! Dennis! ... Oh my god you have babies!!
Jennifer: I know!!! I have two!!  So is your husband here too?  I'd love to meet him!
Jade: Well good on ya girl!! And umm no, he's not here. He's in Tejas. (Mentally flipping through my journals actually trying to remember her and Dennis.  Did they even garner an entry?)
Jennifer: Oh, He didn't move back here with you? I didn't hear about you getting divorced?
Jade: Yeah, um I didn't, I don't think.... He's good! (I've no earthly clue, though he tried friending me on facebook before I blocked him rather rapidly)
Jennifer: Is he going to be moving here?
Jade: Oh, no. (No if I can help it)
Jennifer: Wow.... Okay ...

She's feeling awkward. And now I'm smiling cause I'm mean like that. Welcome to my daily life Jennifer, where not understanding and not knowing shit is all too real. I'm suddenly glad to have been a journaling pack rat and digital magpie able to memorize memories from before the accident. People try to drag me down memory lane all the fucking time and I've gotten good at steering the conversation so that they relive it all and fill in all the gaps. It's a well honed gift, its also very tiring. Albeit funny and sometimes disturbing to hear about the wild shit I did.

Jade: No it's okay you know. I mean, you aren't surprised are you?
Jennifer: What do you mean?
Jade: Well, you've known me since we were like.....
Jennifer: Thirteen!  Wow how time flies.  So yeah ... you we're never really big on marriage...
Jade: Nope... but hey you have babies!!!
Jennifer: I know!! I'm so old!!
Jade: We're so old!!
Jennifer: I don't know you still look so young!!

My phone starts going off with that loud wolf whistle, jarring me back to a reality I can handle.
Jennifer asks for my number, I don't ask for hers.

Jennifer: I'll call you tomorrow!
Jade: Okay then....never gonna happen
Jennifer: See you later!
Jade: Have a good one ... Hey Jennifer
Jennifer: Yeah?
Jade: I'm sorry to have heard about your brother.
Jennifer: It's umm...okay Jade.  He'd be pleased you remembered him.

Well she may have not gotten an actual entry in my journal but her brother sure did. He had a gift worth remembering. Too bad he's dead. And journaling saves my life once more.

Insecure Men Turn Me Off

We all have our insecurities, or at least moments of them. It is up to each of us to assess those thoughts and feelings and keep them in true perspective.  My best advice is if you are feeling insecure within your relationship talk about it.  Then accept that it is also up to you to correct not your partner.  The one commonality I've found with highly insecure men that I've dealt with is:

1- They hate that I have other male friends.  After all jealousy is insecurity.

2- When I have expressed my lacking in interest to dating their response has revolved around; how great they are, how much money they have, and how any other man I've ever been involved with was a bitch/gay/pussy/looser.  I find this humorous as I genuinely like 99% of my ex's.  They're good men, we just didn't work as a couple.

3- They want to go through my phone,or are annoyed that I have everything password protected.

4- The moment I stand up for myself and state "That will be more than enough of their behaviour" I am called a whore,a slut, a trick, or some variation of those.

I find it all, well if I am to be honest; equally sad as it is tiring.  I can only imagine how stressful it must be in their muddled brains to navigate and communicate with healthy happy individuals. I have thankfully only ever dated one of these types of men and quickly learn to see the error of my ways.  Those that I've come into contact with since, have been fantastic reminders that my self worth is far greater than their apparent good looks or charms.

I cannot dictate how others think, feel, or behave.  I can however control how I do.

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away

When I was born Nixon was president. I never met the man, probably had something to do with me being Canadian and just some normal farm kid. Though I bet if he'd met me his entire world would have changed for the better. I hear tell I was a really awesome baby. At least that's what was written in some book that never seemed to be completed.

The rest is history I suppose.

There and back again, not a hobbits tale

I sat smiling as my darling fairy godmother hemmed and hawed trying to figure out what is wrong with me. She takes being a fairy godmother to a whole new level. She desperatly wants me to set down roots and have a life here in beautiful Ontario. Well a life as she's see's it. She means well. Besides, I know what is wrong with me. Maybe what is wrong with me is that I know a little bit too much about what is wrong with me.

I can go way back to my first tastes of freedom. I can go way back and I can see how from the get go I always managed to make the decisions no one expected me too. I could glorify it and say I was and am a person who likes to take the road less traveled, but the truth is I often times just did my damnedest to avoid thee people all along the way, waving and pleading for me to go back.
I've never had to questioned my intentions or the goodness of my heart, because the two have always come together. I have never deliberately set out to sabotage my life or make other's lives any harder for them.

I've come to terms with the fact that I'm no psychic. I've also come to accept that I tend not to know what the hell I am doing until years later when I look back and see how far I've come. That from the time when I was twelve years old, to every choice I made along the way, brought me to the place that I am currently. I don't worry about so many of the little things that others worry about. Having all the latest gadgets, or that fully loaded luxury automobile means nothing to me.
Maybe you are one of those people who don't like your place, but find it livable. Maybe you wake up every day disappointed in yourself and the way things have turned out. Maybe you try to point the finger at everything from a supposedly benevolent God to an absentee father to shitty choices in mates to not starting those birth control pills sooner.

Admittedly I wish I had loved myself from the beginning. That at thirteen when I was searching for answers as to why thing were the way they were, I had loved myself enough to understand that it had nothing to do with me. I wish I had accepted myself the way I was instead of trying to fit into my mothers ideal of what beautiful was. I wish I had told her that her insecurities didn't have to be mine and that she could not recreate her youth through me. Like I said hindsight is a powerful thing, and it never seems to come before we are really ready to see it.

Somewhere along the road from there to here, I found that backbone of steel I didn't realize I had at the age of thirteen. I also found that voice I was supposed to keep shushed and let that little demon out to play for good.

I long to be in New Orleans

All this quiet inside dancing off rivers running wild....

I do love the seasonal changes here in Ontario, but I must admit I miss the South. Our departure was a rather swift one and I've always felt like I left a piece of my soul there. Wrapped in beignets, fried catfish, mud bugs, crawfish and southern charm. How I long to stand upon one of those charming balconies or on the steeps of St. Anne's church just watching the people.