There and back again, not a hobbits tale

I sat smiling as my darling fairy godmother hemmed and hawed trying to figure out what is wrong with me. She takes being a fairy godmother to a whole new level. She desperatly wants me to set down roots and have a life here in beautiful Ontario. Well a life as she's see's it. She means well. Besides, I know what is wrong with me. Maybe what is wrong with me is that I know a little bit too much about what is wrong with me.

I can go way back to my first tastes of freedom. I can go way back and I can see how from the get go I always managed to make the decisions no one expected me too. I could glorify it and say I was and am a person who likes to take the road less traveled, but the truth is I often times just did my damnedest to avoid thee people all along the way, waving and pleading for me to go back.
I've never had to questioned my intentions or the goodness of my heart, because the two have always come together. I have never deliberately set out to sabotage my life or make other's lives any harder for them.

I've come to terms with the fact that I'm no psychic. I've also come to accept that I tend not to know what the hell I am doing until years later when I look back and see how far I've come. That from the time when I was twelve years old, to every choice I made along the way, brought me to the place that I am currently. I don't worry about so many of the little things that others worry about. Having all the latest gadgets, or that fully loaded luxury automobile means nothing to me.
Maybe you are one of those people who don't like your place, but find it livable. Maybe you wake up every day disappointed in yourself and the way things have turned out. Maybe you try to point the finger at everything from a supposedly benevolent God to an absentee father to shitty choices in mates to not starting those birth control pills sooner.

Admittedly I wish I had loved myself from the beginning. That at thirteen when I was searching for answers as to why thing were the way they were, I had loved myself enough to understand that it had nothing to do with me. I wish I had accepted myself the way I was instead of trying to fit into my mothers ideal of what beautiful was. I wish I had told her that her insecurities didn't have to be mine and that she could not recreate her youth through me. Like I said hindsight is a powerful thing, and it never seems to come before we are really ready to see it.

Somewhere along the road from there to here, I found that backbone of steel I didn't realize I had at the age of thirteen. I also found that voice I was supposed to keep shushed and let that little demon out to play for good.