I Hate Tiny White Coffins

She'd be 21 now. 18 years ago we had to say one of the most difficult good byes.  Her light shines on within us and continues to bring us a smile at her memory.

The water is my calm and anguish all wrapped into one complex web of memories spun over time...and fate perhaps. Some of my best summers as a child were on the water, some of my deepest disparages lay just below the water's surface emerging every now and then telling me that the past is never too far away and as it grips me in sadness, in comes the tides of change calling to me like a sirens song to cleanse and purify me again.

I am haunted by waters.

As I look into my daughter's eyes and see the love she has for the water, I have a twinge of fear that the water's will one day betray her joys as well.   She remembers her cousin, but it is a distant memory, one that she remember's with fondness, and then the memory just stops.  I can see that she remember's more, but is not ready to let it flood her mind as it has mine so many times.

I am thankful for that.

Esme's cousin was almost the same age as she, they were polar opposites in looks but that was it for the differences. Under the fleshy exterior laid two identical souls.   They each from birth had this power to see what it was they wanted and just go for it, no fear, or disbelief in their abilities.  They were our risk takers, and soul searchers, always heading off for a new adventure.

Our little Alberta one day, when she was just 3; decided that it was time for a new adventure.  She found it in a friends pool. None saw her slip out the door, no one heard her hit the water.

That would be her last adventure.

Ever.

She was pronounced DOA, after what felt like a lifetime of cpr/ar on her, and an even longer ride in the back of the ambulance to the hospital, and an even longer drive home where we went without her.  
How we cried.

The tears have slowed for me as I keep the lock on that flood gate, but every now and then a few drops get past and I weep. I have to be honest and say I weep more for us than I do for her.  She is in a better place now, where fear, pain, and anguish just can't touch her.  She is somewhere that allows a new adventure every day without the fears we mere mortals have.

I weep for our foolishness, and forgetfulness, it would have taken but a second to lock that door, it would have cost more yes but in the long run been worth it to put a fence around the pool.  Why were these things not done? WHY!

Answers I will never know, or ever stop asking myself.

Remember the little things ok?
They DO count, to a little girl off on an adventure they count allot.
Remember to lock the damn door!

I wish I had.

18 years have past, but not a day has gone by.

I remember.

Time For A Change

Sometimes I'm left to my own devices. Sometimes that works out well, sometimes it all goes horrifically wrong. Either way it's always an adventure.

Easiest five pound weight loss ever.

Back to the salt mines...

If anything goes by much too fast, it's vacation time...Today, I went back to my job, having enjoyed 7 days of a little slacking off, and some spring cleaning...Now it's back to extremely busy weeks, and people that I can pretty much do without; also time to get my ass in gear and get something going that will actually make me some extra cash without having to work myself into an early grave for it...Well, time to embrace setting alarms to get back not the swing of thing, because 5:00 AM comes up quickly...

Adventures, dreams, and then Reality

Persia and I spent the day catching up and tending to his rather massive pup who wasn't quite feeling 100%.  Overall it wasn't a bad day. It was a day of realizations and confirmations. It was great to catch up and to put to rest an issue that had been in the back of my mind for a while now. I dislike having my intelligence undermined. Moreover I thoroughly dislike being misled.

I came to the realization that while I wasn't terribly upset. Not n the manner most would be. I was also no longer going to continue to put effort or hope into the situation. Persia like few others knew my thoughts and feelings and yet chose to minimize them, though a pretty substantial omission. This was not the blunt honesty I had always valued. It made the decision exceedingly easy for me.

Burn with me

I was chased down the street by one of these today. Inaudible shouting had me almost picking up speed but I risked the turn around... Running at me was a rather freaked out Persian lady shouting about how I was a redhead and would die in this heat. Once again I'm piecing this together from the hand gestures as I am not fluent in Farsi. I do know enough to know when I'm being called "that woman" and a "daughter of a goat"... But I digress. I attempted to express my being perfectly "a ok" that yes it was hot as 40 fucks with Eric but I was ok!!! Alas no she was not having the sweaty redhead lady die in her neighbourhood. So she walked me to the building I was to go and hugged my sweaty self. 

Eyes Wide Shut

We all have our talents. Some are great at math, some are great at decorating. Some embrace their dreams and create a reality that has the rest of the world staring on in awe, and some of us are great at critical thinking. Many many years ago by a very close relative I was told I'd make a great kindergarten school teacher. Obviously that relative was drunk, but I suppose at the time I can see why they thought it. Another very close relative said in some off handed comment that I'd make a great tart. Both comments make me laugh to this day. Yes I should probably be horrified by the later comment but I'm not. There's some truth to both. I've always been great with kids and find their innocent and brutal honesty refreshing.

For a time I had considered primary school teacher as a possibility. Then I was reminded of all those years spent in school, both as a student and as a teacher; and slitting my wrists seemed like a better option. Then as has been mentioned before I do not equate sex with love. So yes being a tart would be pretty easy, you know if it weren't for the fact that I'd like to not deal with the crazies that often frequent tarts lives. Anonymity has always bred idiocy, and as most are aware of I've a very low threshold for chosen stupidity. I find it all rather comical. Then again I also find my love life comical 99% of the time.  Sure on occasion there is that craving for human companionship, but I'd rather not settle for someone who isn't the one for me on all levels.

I am oddly ok with keeping boy toys and lovers that I'll never connect with outside of the moments of passion we share. I've no interest in them inserting themselves into my life in any more than the most basic of instincts. After all I am the women men every so enjoy bedding, but never bring home to meet the family. We all have our roles. I just so happen to play mine with exquisite passion and grace.

No Please, Send Me Your Penis

It's been 52 weeks since you set your eyes on me
Cocked your head to the side and said I'm horny
Five month since you sent pics of your penis to me saying
Get on that baby, come back and see me
Three weeks since the facebook stalking,
I realized it's all my fault, in forgetting to block you
Yesterday you'd texted me
But it'll still be forever till I say I'm "oh baby"


Being single does not mean I want you
Being on a porn site does not mean I'm hot for you
Being direct does not make me an Ice Queen
Being assertive does not make me a slut
Being home is not an invite for you to come over
Being open does not mean I will share my sexploits with you
Being over 40 does not mean that I'm a cougar
Being online does not mean I owe you attention
Being on a date does not mean I'll blow you

Dating in 2016 has really not come a long way, in fact it's really gone downhill.


Hey boy take a look at me...let me dirty up your mind...When and if I fucking want to.