She'd be 21 now. 18 years ago we had to say one of the most difficult good byes. Her light shines on within us and continues to bring us a smile at her memory.
The water is my calm and anguish all wrapped into one complex web of memories spun over time...and fate perhaps. Some of my best summers as a child were on the water, some of my deepest disparages lay just below the water's surface emerging every now and then telling me that the past is never too far away and as it grips me in sadness, in comes the tides of change calling to me like a sirens song to cleanse and purify me again.
I am haunted by waters.
As I look into my daughter's eyes and see the love she has for the water, I have a twinge of fear that the water's will one day betray her joys as well. She remembers her cousin, but it is a distant memory, one that she remember's with fondness, and then the memory just stops. I can see that she remember's more, but is not ready to let it flood her mind as it has mine so many times.
I am thankful for that.
Esme's cousin was almost the same age as she, they were polar opposites in looks but that was it for the differences. Under the fleshy exterior laid two identical souls. They each from birth had this power to see what it was they wanted and just go for it, no fear, or disbelief in their abilities. They were our risk takers, and soul searchers, always heading off for a new adventure.
Our little Alberta one day, when she was just 3; decided that it was time for a new adventure. She found it in a friends pool. None saw her slip out the door, no one heard her hit the water.
That would be her last adventure.
Ever.
She was pronounced DOA, after what felt like a lifetime of cpr/ar on her, and an even longer ride in the back of the ambulance to the hospital, and an even longer drive home where we went without her.
How we cried.
The tears have slowed for me as I keep the lock on that flood gate, but every now and then a few drops get past and I weep. I have to be honest and say I weep more for us than I do for her. She is in a better place now, where fear, pain, and anguish just can't touch her. She is somewhere that allows a new adventure every day without the fears we mere mortals have.
I weep for our foolishness, and forgetfulness, it would have taken but a second to lock that door, it would have cost more yes but in the long run been worth it to put a fence around the pool. Why were these things not done? WHY!
Answers I will never know, or ever stop asking myself.
Remember the little things ok?
They DO count, to a little girl off on an adventure they count allot.
Remember to lock the damn door!
I wish I had.
18 years have past, but not a day has gone by.
I remember.
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