Per aspera ad malam occupationem

Day's off never actually are.  I have many times over now, covered on shifts that are not mine.  Those shifts that are short of staff, or that have far too many newcomers to be deemed effective often call upon myself, Sista, or both of us to correct the mayhem that far too often occurs.  Today was no exception.  My Sista was unable to attend the insanity, thus I marched to my own beat whilst refraining from rolling my eyes at the turkeys surrounding me. 

The most difficult portion of the day, was precisely the day.  I am a night shift worker, I embrace all things night.  So to be awake while the sun is so high in the sky, is apocalyptic to me.  Still I muddled through, moving at the speed of light; showing those around me what the meaning of hustle is.  Each at one point or another attempted to tell me to slow down, or to "pace myself".  To what level of slowness, or pace they were referring; is unclear.  I dare say, they are simply lay-with a capital Zee.

“Through adversity to a bad job”

Less than eloquent

Time crunches, schedules crammed into 12 hours when they should in reality take 36.  Neck breathers, handsy strangers, and just far too little caffeine.  There are moments I am less than lady like, less than polite, less than eloquent.  And far too abrupt.  When the dance halts, and each limb is filled with such tension that every inch of each tendon coils so tightly with a desire to strike in much the same fashion of an angry Cobra...

The Ultimate Queen

We whom live for the dance, feel a sense of bereftness when that dance must end suddenly.  Yes even should two have danced together for a great many years.  Those years created a unique rhythm, steps that required no such anticipation of the new partner, these steps were always true and led by our hearts.  Today one dance ended so abruptly that I found myself unable to maintain my footing. 

What a world we are living in

What a week.... what a world we are living in.

“Love and civil discussion is always the answer to hate.”

Not always easy is it when you have groups like white supremacists, neo-nazi's, Nazi's, independent militia men and those that claim to be nothing more than the 'Alt-right' or nationalists; whom we all understand to be racists and anti semitic plain and simple are so brazenly and seemingly accepted. Or at the very least given way to spew their horrific beliefs publicly, some toting semiautomatic weapons without recourse. Yet when BLM men and women whom are justifiably fed up with the treatment they have and are receiving are met with riot gear. Or those peacefully protesting the DAP are met with attack dogs. It's hard not to think we're in a world gone completely fucking mad.

I am often loud and brash and well those that like me would say, “she's a free spirit, and she loves dogs, the environment and veterans most but yeah she can be pretty intolerant to those she morally disagrees with. She's got a good heart but if you push her too far she'd scare the shit out of you with her temper and her willingness to go to jail for something she truly believes in.” They would be correct. I am most certainly imperfect, flawed, and often times a real pain in the ass and exceedingly difficult to like let alone love when fighting for social justice issues that hurt my heart, or more importantly to me; those that I love. I thank those of you who continue to love me regardless, and must thank my children for always standing by me, even when it might be embarrassing or down right hard as hell.

I have always been and will forever remain unapologetically, “Government over big business, the individual over the government, the environment over everything....and Native Americans... give them anything they want. We stole their land and continue to treat them as interlopers on their own soil!” After all there isn't much to fight over once it's just a big dead rock with humans and animals alike having been tortured and slaughtered for corporate profit.

I do firmly believe that there is a time to stop talking and take action, much to many peoples horror. Pacifists and I will never see eye to eye, nor will those whom claim neutrality. I have always believed and will always believe that complacency and silence in the face of bigotry, racism, misogyny, and discrimination makes you part of the problem. No not necessarily “all ....people need to die kind of racist” but yes you handed them the rope, or bat and turned a blind eye kind of racist. Over the last few years I have cut those people out of my life and will continue to do so as they crop up.

For if good (wo)men do nothing, tis evil enough.

I am blessed to have a rainbow of family, friends, and acquaintances from so many different races, cultures, religions, and sexual orientations. It is my heartfelt hope that each of you know I love you for who you are, and am so very thankful to have you and your various and rich cultures and belief systems as a part of my life, even though I may not always understand you or you, I. You help to not only broaden my knowledge base but through your love and acceptance of my often times difficult self, make me a better human being. My daughters Angel and Mattea, your bravery to live your truth makes me brave in return. Quincy, your steadfast, critical thinking self reminds me to temper my emotions look deeper and our honesty with one another makes me continue to hold myself accountable. Michael I could not have asked for a better brother, friend, and voice of reason; I am honoured to call you family. Alyssa and Jaiden, your acceptance and love have always filled me with joy, you are family and I love you. 

Rose, Floyd, Les Jr. & Sr. your calmness, dedication, and constant support have always meant the world to me. Karen your drive is something I aspire too, I am so proud of you. Teri, your perseverance and eye for the beauty in nature never fail to make me pause and remember to appreciate those little things around me.Darla, Jess, Asha, and Mist your enduring love are beacons of light in an all too often dark world. Jess you are a kick ass fantastic human being and I am so damn glad to have met you and been allowed to share in your past and present, woman you are so damn strong! Gill and Alison your passion to help others be they human or animal remind me to centre myself and keep going when all I want to do it quit. Tieg, Bronwen, and Peyton your blunt honesty and kindness keep me honest and proud to have you in my life.  Mark and Jayne, your kindness, sense of adventure, consummate respect and abiding love for each other; and those whom you interact with reminds me that these traits never go out of style and keep the embers of hope in my heart burning bright.

Thank you all for being exactly who you are, and thank you for allowing me to be a part of your lives even in the smallest of ways. Should any of you stumble, have doubts, or want to just give up; know you are loved dearly.

The Reality of Online Dating

I've heard both men and women equally lamenting that dating in this modern world exceptionally hard. Each had emailed those they were interested in, and no matter how witty or personally-interested or polite they were, some of the people didn't email back.  I will openly admit that I am just as guilty of this.  I do not however get upset when someone I have contacted doesn't respond to me at all.  I accept and understand that in the world of online dating that attraction plays a huge role.  If there isn't an ounce of attraction, then no matter how witty, charming, kind, or brilliant the person is; it just won't work. Now for those few occasions that I responded with a generic response of, "Thank you for your interest, I do not however believe we are a match."  There have been very few who took that response in a positive light.  8 out of 10 fired back an angry email, delving into what a shallow whore I was and that they weren't surprised I was single as I was far too ugly to be dating anyhow.  Now I see this for what it is an refuse to take any such responses personally.  In truth I find it mildly humorous, rather sad, and very enlightening.

 There are of course those that did strike up a correspondence, more often than not they drifted off. This is, in many people's estimation, proof that the average guy or girl just can't catch a break, or the "nice guys and girls always finish last" mentality.  It is, however my belief, merely proof that the average guy or girl, no matter how well intentioned doesn't understand that average isn't "You tell someone you like them, a beautiful romance with passion thus ensues."  Online dating is a lot of swings-and-misses, for damn near everyone. You're gonna have way more misses than swings - and if you can't handle that, you're going to end up a massive ball of frustration and resentment.  The dating scene is rife with people looking for connections and not finding them; people not checking their emails, people drifting off, people having a few exchanges that dribble away into nothingness.   Convincing yourself that there's someone "with all the right answers" as though they are the Babe Ruth of dating, pointing at the bleachers and hitting every home run, is just gonna sour you.  In truth, very few people get everyone they want, mainly because most people are angling just a bit out of their depths.  The moderately decent-looking guy is seeking someone a little hotter than he is, that hot girl is seeking not sex but an actual relationship.  Just as often still people are not completely honest about what they truly want. 

I'm not saying it's fun, nor am I saying it's all bad.  I hate it when I talk to someone and they seem cool and then the connection disappears for reasons I never quite get to understand.  Even as I know that I've done that to people, and it's rarely if ever malicious - I've got an exceptionally busy life and finding someone who can accept that and have the patience to fit in with it all is rare.  Sometimes I think, "Oh, that person was cool, whatever happened to them?" and I realize with a shock that oh, wait, I didn't respond.  And some people, well, the connection just isn't there.  There's only so many "hey there's" and "whats up's" or "You're hot we should hook up sometime" I can handle before I realize they're not carrying on their side of the conversation or showing me anything of great depth.  But my point is that online dating is frustration.  You put yourself out there, and you'll get more frogs than princes.  That's not because you're unworthy, or because you're below average - it's because that maddening lack of connection is the average, and what's making you miserable is believing that somehow you don't deserve this.   Nobody deserves it.  But most people are getting it on some level. So stop embracing the pity party, it's not that "you suck" or that "they all suck."  The fact of the matter is, dating and the vast unknow can suck.  It can however also be amazing.