Keeping It Classy

There's nothing like feeling like your insides are going to explode with emotion.  The tightness in your chest, the prickling behind your eyes.  The bile rising in the back of your throat.  Now add to all that, your environment.  You are smack dab in the middle of work.  Oh there's just nothing more classy than crying at work.  That awesome moment when you just cannot hold the tears at bay any longer and yet the earth will not open up and just swallow you whole like you wished it would.

Yes.  Classy, indeed.

So there I was.  Just chock full of emotion and unable to bear the burden of it any longer.  I certainly wish that it had been somewhere that was, well else.  However it was not.  The straw that broke the camels proverbial back was in hind-sight pretty insignificant.  A simple FB comment on my husbands page.  It wasn't anything I wasn't fully aware of, nothing I hadn't politely chuckled at many, many times before.  It was just one more of those annoying little tid-bits that has piled up this week, well in truth over the last year.

From time to time, I feel as though I am surrounded by my husbands ex girlfriends.  The air becomes rank with them in one shape fashion or form, and it becomes tiring.  We all have exes.  I'm not even jealous in the slightest of them; nor do I doubt my husbands loyalty.  Not even for a second.  I just get tired of having to hear about the exploits.  I live in the here and now, my exes are just that.  My past, they are the ones who didn't make the cut.  No they are not all bad people, in fact most of them are fantastic people.  People I do consider friends.  But that is where I draw the line.  I don't speak on, or share my past sexual experiences.  To do so I feel would be utterly disrespectful to my husband and what we are building.  Should one of my exes try to joke about or share those private moments I would have no trouble saying, "you're being disrespectful, and I won't have it."

I don't feel the same is true.  Not where my feelings are concerned.  Though in introspection, I also feel that it is my smile and nod attitude that has also allowed it.  I try to take it all in stride.  We all share things from our own experiences, our reference points.  I don't happen to have the same experiences that he has had.  Some similar and yet so many vastly different.  Add to those facts that we live next door to one of his exes, the other tends to pop up with her drama out of the blue, and there are a good 5 or 6 that seem to pop in and out of his messenger.  He see's friendships and what I read them wanting is attention and more. 

I can go for a while where none of it bothers me at all, and then out of the blue I feel as though I'm in an unending loop of disrespect.  It hurts so deeply for  time, and then I seem to kick myself in the ass and decide to not spend any more time on my own pity-party of one!  I'll get there in another moment or two.  For the moment I require the cathartic joy of allowing my brain to barf upon this page and embrace the lightness that for me comes when I just get it out.