What’s a Queen without her King?
Well, historically speaking, more powerful.
Depending upon who's asking this can sound as though the asker is surprised, or if related to me, and in a position as my blessed very Jewish, very princessy God mother much like eternal disappointment/shame/and condemnation. Tauntie is this tall lithe figure, who just so happens to always be well put together. Hair, did, nails did, you know how the song goes.
Next to Tauntie, I look like a schlub. A homeless schlub, possible with alcoholism. Should you ever feel as though your self esteem has reached new heights, come see my Tauntie and we'll have that issue cleared right up. For those of you whom have been reading , well a long while you may remember that Tauntie is also my Godmother. I like to call her my Fairy Godmother, to her face and she in turn slaps my ass in this loving yet reprimanding manner which is somehow supposed to remind me of my place and that while she adores me I will forever remain a disappointment.
Oh the subtle nuances of having a Jewish princess for a Fairy Godmother.
So this morning, Tauntie decided to surprise me with a very early visit. Like she knew I'd be home...alone. Now the fact that she was right isn't important! I mean I'm a grow woman, she should have called to see if I was up, or had company, or was busy. Alas no, Tauntie and her knock, a knock that is at once alarming and yet filled with disappointment alerted me to the fact that I was only wearing a wifebeater that had a glaring wine stain on it and no pants, with day old makeup and smeared lipstick. Life as a grown single woman is ever so glamorous.
Now there will be those of you whom woke up refreshed, greeting the day, and possibly family members with a smile and song in your heart. I however opened the door to those pursed lips and the once over glare. "What have you been up to? Are you entertaining? Darling you look like an old stripper! That's no way to keep a man! ..where are your pants!" These were the rapid fire statements that hit me like a bucket of cold water before I could even say good morning. So as I found pants, a bra, and something resembled a clean shirt Tauntie, being Tauntie pointed out all of the things that I needed to clean while lifting my freshly filled wine glass and eyeing me over the rim of it with a look that spoke volumes.
Whatever happened to sleepy Saturday mornings filled with cartoons and staying in your pj's till 3 in the afternoon?
Tauntie in her effort to aid my 'barren love life' began to impart her particular brand of wisdom upon me. "Darling, now listen to Tauntie... Men, all men love three things. Food, sex, and a woman who can be quiet." My arched eyebrow and subsequent smirk were derailed when she added, "we both know you have a gift with the first two, but that last one needs work darling." How any one person can sound so proud and filled with total shame at the same time is beyond me. I of course not having a grasp over that last one; cannot be blamed for my smartassed response.
I ever so delicately informed my always correct Tauntie that in this case she may in fact be wrong. Her indelicate snort told me just what she thought of that, yet I pressed on having already had wine and still reeling from my chocolate cake hangover. I agreed that no I was not always the shy quiet type but I had my moments, and that yes I can cook and bake up a storm with the added gift of drizzling it all in a shiny tempered chocolate but that my sexual prowess may be ever so lacking in my...maturing years.
You see I cannot be so blase and say "been there seen all that" when it comes to traveling the world over; but I have traveled a far amount. Now in my travels, I have come to take note of one very common face and sound; that being of the tongue out/gagging/almost vomiting noise with wrinkled nose and eyes watering being a sign of clear distress and dislike of something.
As I explained this Tauntie knowing me as well as she does crossed her arms over her chest and and waited with a perfectly arched eyebrow and a cautious, "continue darling.".
"...well having come to that well informed bit of information Tauntie, I must confess that I feel as though I am unlikely to please most men. For those troglodytes all seem to think that face while accompanied with those sounds mens put your hand on the back of my head and push my face down harder which has me thinking they are all seriously fucked and I'm having none of it!"
For a brief moment I was certain I could visibly see her xanax stop working. So I did the next best thing, I lied like a rug....
So T, were having a June wedding; Tauntie isn't liking the idea of haggas a a main dish or of you wearing a kilt. In turn I say go for it and sorry for dragging you into my fresh hell, but appreciate you going the distance with me on this. Hope your Saturday is fantastic, text you soon. xo
“Sorry, I’m not Adele. I don’t wish the best for you, nor do I want to find someone like you. I do, however, want to set fire to all of your stuff.”
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