I have a dark sense of humor. I am also a tad twisted in my sense of cosmic karma. I can laugh and accept that there are days where the karma minivan is sitting in my driveway and every single passenger is in there flipping me the bird. It doesn't actually upset me, I am fully aware that I like so many others; from time to time deserve it. So being the snarky sassy-pants witchy woman I am, I couldn't help but point out to the horrifically bile filled racist old woman next door that karma had visited her. She wasn't quite understanding, so I ever so helpfully pointed out that because she was such shit all her life her asshole had rotted out. She growled at me under her breath and went back inside to change her colostomy bag.
Yes. I can be a relentless bitch. But I am an honest bitch.
Tuesday, July 9, 2019
Monday, July 8, 2019
Sunday, June 16, 2019
Reality Bytes
A good morning to all! Except maybe for those that opted for the "hold my beer" moments yesterday. Your dulcet tones of emptying your stomach's contents while attempting to brush your teeth is karmas way of saying "I told you so."
Maybe as the sun comes back out to grace us with his glorious presence you should stick with water today. I won't hold my breath. After all you are full grown capable adults, full to the brim with those "making good choices" abilities.
Hark, I doth hear the fair Juliette now... shespe yaks aks
Maybe as the sun comes back out to grace us with his glorious presence you should stick with water today. I won't hold my breath. After all you are full grown capable adults, full to the brim with those "making good choices" abilities.
Hark, I doth hear the fair Juliette now... she
Saturday, June 15, 2019
Adulting The Adults
Taking care of children they say, "can be the most difficult and rewarding experience you'll ever face." I know this to be true as a parent, however they are only half right. It can indeed be difficult, and yes it is rewarding! Nothing is more rewarding than seeing one of your children succeed in the lessons you've taught them and in turn put said lesson into practice. However, parenting children is by far, to my mind, easier than having to adult over other adults.
Adulting other adults, especially when those grown rascals have decided to engage "difficulty mode: to level 9" surpasses challenging. Not only does it surpass it, but it then delves headlong into a battle of wits and moves so sly if you were any better they'd slap a tail on you and call you foxy! Adulting inebriated adults, well that comes with a range of emotions and skill levels. Humourous, annoying, tiresome, vexing, confounding, and down right fucked up. Being the voice of reason in these situations, when you appear to be the only one with your wits about you, takes courage, nerves of steel, and a firm grip on your own sanity. It will all be tested.
Add fire, bright ideas, and stubbornness....
Well now you're just going to need rope. Whether you opt to use it on them, or yourself; that is an answer only you can decide. Just remember, you are not alone. Emergency rooms across the globe are filled with the morons we love; even tenuously in these moments with those adults who chose to utter, "hold my beer." You can spot them quite easily; they are the adults with at least one other adult sitting next to them with a mixture of resting bitch face and a concerned look laced with murderous intent.
Adulting other adults, especially when those grown rascals have decided to engage "difficulty mode: to level 9" surpasses challenging. Not only does it surpass it, but it then delves headlong into a battle of wits and moves so sly if you were any better they'd slap a tail on you and call you foxy! Adulting inebriated adults, well that comes with a range of emotions and skill levels. Humourous, annoying, tiresome, vexing, confounding, and down right fucked up. Being the voice of reason in these situations, when you appear to be the only one with your wits about you, takes courage, nerves of steel, and a firm grip on your own sanity. It will all be tested.
Add fire, bright ideas, and stubbornness....
Well now you're just going to need rope. Whether you opt to use it on them, or yourself; that is an answer only you can decide. Just remember, you are not alone. Emergency rooms across the globe are filled with the morons we love; even tenuously in these moments with those adults who chose to utter, "hold my beer." You can spot them quite easily; they are the adults with at least one other adult sitting next to them with a mixture of resting bitch face and a concerned look laced with murderous intent.
Monday, May 27, 2019
Clapback
Just because we are grown doesn't always mean being an adult. Living next door to my husbands ex comes with it's own set of challenges. 98% of the time we do amazingly well. We smile, nod, engage in small talk and are generally personable to one another. It isn't perfect, but at the end of the day we each simply live our own lives and are all the better for it.
From time to time we have to chuckle and shake our heads, as Pirates ex "80's Hair"; get's into one of her moods where she enjoys taking as many jabs at me as she can. Be it her relationship advice on how to best take care of my husband, or her racist views on mixed couples. Typically I sit and smile back twice as bright. What better revenge is there than a life well lived. Happy, smiling, and self assured. Then there are the moments, brief as they are where I find my inner Queen rising up to the surface and with a Z-snap delivering a clapback that shuts the woman up for a while.
It has always been and will be my advice to all, just keep smiling and live you truth. Embrace your best life and go forward without a care as to what someone else has to say about it. It is after all the most well adjusted and mature thing to do. For the truth is when we are in full control of our own emotions, other have no actual control over us. There are however those times, and I will also advise to make them count as they should be rare; when you need to bite a back in such a manner that the next time they even think about fucking with you, they sting just from the memory of your initial bite.
I cannot tell you that I am proud of my clapback. Nor can I tell you that I feel guilty about it. Come for me, no problem. Come for any of my children with racist remarks and all bets are off. I will at that point be a callous, cruel bitch aiming right where I know the most damage will be done. I will also not just be catty, I will go for the low blow that involves a portion of your truth that you hide from. See sitting and listening carefully brings forth many advantage points. Facts and knowledge are always key.
So when 80's Hair after many racial insults, quiet and low key as they were, decided to reach out again and attempt to push that button, I grabbed hold of her ugliest truth and went to town. With her vast experience in "healthy relationships" I point blank said, "by all means share with me your knowledge. You've had a three or four husbands who apparently beat you by your own claims and gained amazing sexual confidence and knowledge from your relationships with your father and brother. So please share with me what you know about happy, healthy, solid relationship skills."
She hasn't spoken to me since.
From time to time we have to chuckle and shake our heads, as Pirates ex "80's Hair"; get's into one of her moods where she enjoys taking as many jabs at me as she can. Be it her relationship advice on how to best take care of my husband, or her racist views on mixed couples. Typically I sit and smile back twice as bright. What better revenge is there than a life well lived. Happy, smiling, and self assured. Then there are the moments, brief as they are where I find my inner Queen rising up to the surface and with a Z-snap delivering a clapback that shuts the woman up for a while.
It has always been and will be my advice to all, just keep smiling and live you truth. Embrace your best life and go forward without a care as to what someone else has to say about it. It is after all the most well adjusted and mature thing to do. For the truth is when we are in full control of our own emotions, other have no actual control over us. There are however those times, and I will also advise to make them count as they should be rare; when you need to bite a back in such a manner that the next time they even think about fucking with you, they sting just from the memory of your initial bite.
I cannot tell you that I am proud of my clapback. Nor can I tell you that I feel guilty about it. Come for me, no problem. Come for any of my children with racist remarks and all bets are off. I will at that point be a callous, cruel bitch aiming right where I know the most damage will be done. I will also not just be catty, I will go for the low blow that involves a portion of your truth that you hide from. See sitting and listening carefully brings forth many advantage points. Facts and knowledge are always key.
So when 80's Hair after many racial insults, quiet and low key as they were, decided to reach out again and attempt to push that button, I grabbed hold of her ugliest truth and went to town. With her vast experience in "healthy relationships" I point blank said, "by all means share with me your knowledge. You've had a three or four husbands who apparently beat you by your own claims and gained amazing sexual confidence and knowledge from your relationships with your father and brother. So please share with me what you know about happy, healthy, solid relationship skills."
She hasn't spoken to me since.
Sunday, March 24, 2019
Happy Anniversary-ish?
We did it! We made it. We're here.
I cannot recall for the life of me, anyone ever having a serious discussion about what marriage is like. Of course there were the old hens nattering here and there about their husbands, but nary a one ever sat with me to say; "there will be good times, bad times, and times of sheer hell." Then again marriage was never actually on my bucket list. Nor were children for that matter. Funny how things change. We've each been married before, we both brought adult children into the mix, plus a bit of baggage here and there. Now here we stand. Still smiling, still laughing, still finding out new things, and still very much in love. We haven't had the fairy tale romance I dreamt of as a little girl, nor have we had the Hollywood love affair I fantasized about as an adolescent. But you know what? I'm grateful for that.
What we have is real. Even without all those papers, even without a start white gown, you and I have a real marriage. It hasn't been perfect, and it hasn't been easy and, honestly, it hasn't always been pleasant. But, still, I'm grateful. Because life isn't perfect, and life isn't easy, and life isn't always pleasant. And you and I? We've built a life together. A life we will continue to build upon, because our foundation isn't set upon falsehoods.
Through ex's, sickness, family, vacations, deaths, health scares and literally every other high and low (and up and down) that one can go through...you've been there with me. You've been my rock. You've been my anchor. You've been my person. Just as those vows say, you've been there for me in good times and in bad. In sickness and in health. You haven't left my side.
Marriage is hard, but also beautiful. Marriage is hard because life is hard, but that doesn't make either any less beautiful. So here's my pledge to you: I'm going to stop concentrating on the hard, and I'm going to start concentrating on the beautiful.
I'm not going to worry so much about the pile of bills on the counter, the fridge that's more freezer than fridge, instead, I'm going to concentrate on the here and the now and the blessings. Because we have so many blessings. I'm going to concentrate on remembering to slow down and take time to quite literally smell the roses. With any luck this summer it will be the roses we plant together. I'm going to remember that life is short, and that tomorrow isn't guaranteed.
Chores can wait. Life won't.
Sunday, March 10, 2019
Bitchy Betty Crocker
Good gods I need sleep.
I spent all night baking and wandering between rooms. Insomnia and trying to get rid of the gross feeling from being in a house filled with the aromas of decarbing cannabis. I'm happy to have it all done now. I like being able to make the edibles for my loved ones but it takes it toll to be sure of. I'm pretty sure that out of the 2 and a half pounds of butter I made that I'll yield at least 2 and a quarter at least. Cookies galore, so everyone will sleep better.
In the next few hours my fermented rice should be ready. Let's see if the results are as good as last time.
toss all ingredients into the blender, except chocolate chips. Blend. Pour into muffin tin and top with chocolate chips. I used 6 chips per muffin. Bake at 400 for 8 mins. (baking times will vary depending on altitude and ovens.)
I spent all night baking and wandering between rooms. Insomnia and trying to get rid of the gross feeling from being in a house filled with the aromas of decarbing cannabis. I'm happy to have it all done now. I like being able to make the edibles for my loved ones but it takes it toll to be sure of. I'm pretty sure that out of the 2 and a half pounds of butter I made that I'll yield at least 2 and a quarter at least. Cookies galore, so everyone will sleep better.
In the next few hours my fermented rice should be ready. Let's see if the results are as good as last time.
Skinny Peanut Butter and Banana Muffins
2 bananas
1 cup peanut butter
2 tbsp honey
2 tbsp vanilla
1 tsp baking powder
Chocolate chips
toss all ingredients into the blender, except chocolate chips. Blend. Pour into muffin tin and top with chocolate chips. I used 6 chips per muffin. Bake at 400 for 8 mins. (baking times will vary depending on altitude and ovens.)
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