Last night I couldn't seem to do anything right. Hell most of yesterday it felt that way. I was a walking, talking, stumbling, mumbling train wreck, with a blast radius that just didn't seem to quit. Much like my hips, and no they don't lie. My wave of destruction and chaos followed me into work; much to my horror. I could not have done worse if I'd stood back like 15 feet and just lobbed parts at the machine, while hoping for a stellar outcome.
Oh what a night... Though it isn't late December, nor is it '63.
As I've mentioned I was struggling with what to do about this apparent requirement for a divorce and possibly looking to walk that plank...errr isle again. Turns out that's just never going to happen. Not now. Don't get me wrong, the Pirate and I are fine and dandy, or we will be once I stop feeling annoyed? That's not exactly it, maybe hurt? I'm not really accustomed to this "human feelings" bullshit so I'm no certain. I just know that when I mentioned that I was trying to find my marriage certificate online and then a reasonable do-it-yourself divorce package as he had requested I "get my shit in order so I can e his Mrs Pirate". He responded with, "well just remember that you're never taking my shit when you leave."
I was gobsmacked. Here I was stressing over events that I can barely remember. Seriously I haven't a clue as to when my ex-current husband and I got married. Nor do I care, except that I need that information for divorce papers, and my current love, man of my dreams comes out with that horse shit. You've got to be fucking kidding me. 1: Any relationship I've walked away from be there kids involved or not, I've walked with what fit in my single backpack and never once looked back. Never once asked for or received child support or any other form of financial aid, let alone taking anything that I hadn't bought myself for myself or was a family heirloom. Which I promptly snapped back at him with.
Angry, in that moment it was more like livid. In that moment I also saw that he'd already come to the conclusion that we won't last. This isn't forever. Of course I can stop being an annoyed wife for 5 and see exactly why he said it and where he's coming from. I truly can. He's justified in those general feelings but I've never given him reason to doubt me and there I sat, being doubted. it fucking sucked. It stayed with me all night and even this morning I found myself still .... upset if the only term I can use that makes sense. I can't nail down the emotion. It's just not defining itself at present.
Suffice to say my views on marriage haven't gotten better with this latest occurrence. In fact it completely solidified my belief that marriage is just never going to be for me. That dream is long since died and trying to raise the dead is always a bad idea. We all saw pet cemetary right? Look how well that turned out. No thanks. Those dreams I had of being a beautiful bride with that handsome dude waiting for me with that shit eating grin on his face, ecstatic to see me walking to join him in wedded bliss wasn't ever meant to be anything more than a really cool dream.
Now I'd actually be pretty chill about it all in reality, but it all kinda snowballed into me being a nonemotional/emotional idiot who let a past remark sneak it's way into the assorted mess and just eat at me all fucking night. By the gods and goddesses when I turn silly female I go for the gusto. No need to do things half assed with me. Let me take that almost healed wound and pick at it till it's a gaping void and bleeding out like a gunshot victim. Go me!
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