Coffin Ridge

Last night I couldn't seem to do anything right.  Hell most of yesterday it felt that way.  I was a walking, talking, stumbling, mumbling train wreck, with a blast radius that just didn't seem to quit.  Much like my hips, and no they don't lie.  My wave of destruction and chaos followed me into work; much to my horror.  I could not have done worse if I'd stood back like 15 feet and just lobbed parts at the machine, while hoping for a stellar outcome.

Oh what a night... Though it isn't late December, nor is it '63. 

As I've mentioned I was struggling with what to do about this apparent requirement for a divorce and possibly looking to walk that plank...errr isle again.  Turns out that's just never going to happen.  Not now.  Don't get me wrong, the Pirate and I are fine and dandy, or we will be once I stop feeling annoyed?  That's not exactly it, maybe hurt?  I'm not really accustomed to this "human feelings" bullshit so I'm no certain.  I just know that when I mentioned that I was trying to find my marriage certificate online and then a reasonable do-it-yourself divorce package as he had requested I "get my shit in order so I can e his Mrs Pirate".  He responded with, "well just remember that you're never taking my shit when you leave."

I was gobsmacked.  Here I was stressing over events that I can barely remember.  Seriously I haven't a clue as to when my ex-current husband and I got married.  Nor do I care, except that I need that information for divorce papers, and my current love, man of my dreams comes out with that horse shit.  You've got to be fucking kidding me.  1: Any relationship I've walked away from be there kids involved or not, I've walked with what fit in my single backpack and never once looked back.  Never once asked for or received child support or any other form of financial aid, let alone taking anything that I hadn't bought myself for myself or was a family heirloom.  Which I promptly snapped back at him with.

Angry, in that moment it was more like livid.  In that moment I also saw that he'd already come to the conclusion that we won't last.  This isn't forever.  Of course I can stop being an annoyed wife for 5 and see exactly why he said it and where he's coming from.  I truly can.  He's justified in those general feelings but I've never given him reason to doubt me and there I sat, being doubted.  it fucking sucked.  It stayed with me all night and even this morning I found myself still .... upset if the only term I can use that makes sense.  I can't nail down the emotion.  It's just not defining itself at present. 

Suffice to say my views on marriage haven't gotten better with this latest occurrence.  In fact it completely solidified my belief that marriage is just never going to be for me.  That dream is long since died and trying to raise the dead is always a bad idea.  We all saw pet cemetary right?  Look how well that turned out.  No thanks.  Those dreams I had of being a beautiful bride with that handsome dude waiting for me with that shit eating grin on his face, ecstatic to see me walking to join him in wedded bliss wasn't ever meant to be anything more than a really cool dream. 

Now I'd actually be pretty chill about it all in reality, but it all kinda snowballed into me being a nonemotional/emotional idiot who let a past remark sneak it's way into the assorted mess and just eat at me all fucking night.  By the gods and goddesses when I turn silly female I go for the gusto.  No need to do things half assed with me.  Let me take that almost healed wound and pick at it till it's a gaping void and bleeding out like a gunshot victim.  Go me!   

Papers

Certificates, outside of those that earn me a larger income or the possibility to earn a larger income, have never actually meant anything to me.  Those certificates or documentation that are by all rites a societal standard, birth, death, marriage, baptism to me are nothing more than a waste of paper.  They are for government use and bear no actual meaning to my life.  I know I am alive, I know whom I love, I know that I began dying the very day I was born as are we all; so why are these papers so important to so many.  Or is the better question why do so many require these papers to give their lives meaning or worth?

I am garnering that the marriage certificate is more important to Pirate than I had originally understood, if last nights comment is to be accepted at face value.  I am unsure at this moment how I actually feel or as how to proceed with the information I have.  As I've stated more than once now, I hold absolutely no importance in marriage licenses or documentation.  Far too many people believe that a marriage certificate magically creates a barrier for their partners, or the outside world.  Possibly both; in terms of stopping wandering eyes and infidelity.  Statistics have readily debunked that theory, as have countless episodes of Jerry Springer.       

Yet here I sit, contemplating the logistics of such documentation to please, or is it appease the man I love and the fact that he would prefer I have his last name, and not the current on upon my SIN card.

It's not an accidental entanglement; 

it's an intentional knot. Love belongs 

with belonging.   

Serving the Baron

Baron Samedi aka: Baron Saturday my Loa, my friend.  It's that kind of Saturday already and it's only 10:51 am.

For the so called complicated woman that I am, I like my life exceptionally simple.  I dislike drama, and the tediousness of needy, self indulged people.  They almost always seem to require some life sucking, energy draining attention that just makes my trigger finger itch.  I lack patience and the understanding to deal effectively with such individuals.  That isn't to say that I am not going to be readily there for anyone whom requires true aid, I just refuse to enable or put up with those that act helpless but are anything but.

Why am I surrounded by so many of them?

Thankfully today the Baron has granted me life once more and the drive to continue on.  One day he will decide that it is time for me to join him.  Today however, isn't that day.  When my day comes I will greet him fondly with a cigar, rum, and some bawdy joke to make him laugh.  The Baron and I will be fast friends.

Until such time arises, I raise a glass and tip of the hat in him honour.    

Maman Kind of Night

It wasn't a bad day, work was a beautiful thing last evening.  I'm somewhere I enjoy and that challenges me to push myself harder.  It's a new machine, which few know anything about or even how to fix.  I have worked 90% of it out on my own.  It's a good feeling.  For someone like me it's a requirement to keep my overly active brain busy and thus rather tired.  That overly active brain of mine has as of late been way too active and not happy with the world at large.

I am finding that I am missing the adult time that I had become accustomed to.  Or quite possibly it is the connection I felt when we were that intimate.  I could pout and sulk like a child, yet this maturity has given me the grace to understand that like all things, this too  must ebb and flow.  I do believe that our sheer exhaustion has had a great deal to do with it all.  We've been through a great deal this last month, much of which has been both stressful and disappointing.  I am looking forward to things smoothing out and our connection growing deeper. 

Not Today

Self care is an important part of anyone's life.  Many forget that, or choose to ignore it; I know for many years I did.  I no longer do that.  I know and understand that if I am unable to care for myself then I am most certainly unable to care for anyone else.  Lessons learned.

Yesterday and today still, I am not in the mood to listen to others trivial bulshit.  I don't want to hear how hard it is for you to be apart from your girlfriend, or how you just don't like having to do those dishes that other leave lying around.  Those are all fixable things.  Easily fixable things.  They aren't the end of the world.  They are temporary issues, and your sitting around complaining about them isn't going to change any of it.  We all have little issues, triggers if you will; but they are on us to correct them.  So do it.

I've a loved one whom likes to whine and complain about those issues.  Of course this complaining can continue nonstop for an hour easily.  It is an hour of my time I am not willing to give up. 

  "Where do they teach you to talk like this? In some Panama City "Sailor wanna hump-hump" bar, or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here."  -As Good As It Gets

I am not answering the phone, nor am I taking in visitors.  I am grieving and will do so for as long as I need to.  No complaining, no explaining.  Those that decide to throw hissy fits over it, well they can go pound rock-salt.  Zero fucks will be given.  Zero. Decide what you want out of your life and then make it happen.  Today I will cry, today I will laugh, today I will simply be.  Tomorrow I will go back to work, and I will smile when and where I need to.  I will be an active member of society, and I will fake it to the very best of my ability. 

Tomorrow.

My Mako

Anyone knowing or following me knows that I am a fierce advocate of rescue and rehabilitation of animals.  I loathe backyard breeders and animal abusers with an equal passion.  The devastation, broken trust, and harm they cause is beyond infuriating.  Mako was one such case.  She was my labour of love.  While we taught and showed her trust, respect, and how to be a good canine citizen, she taught us patience, acceptance, love, and just what it means to really start over from scratch.

Forever my girl.

It's been quoted a millions times over, however today it holds so very true:

  “How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep.”
 ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King

We knew, we understood that this held especially true for Mako.  She gave us her all, and we loved her for it.  We gave her our all and she in turn loved us for it.  She knew how deeply we loved her.  Of that I am sure.  For as vicious as she could be, she wasn't like that with us.  Not after we had earned the right to be her pack.  What am an amazing and beautiful affirmation that was.  How precious and awe inspiring it was to me; I will forever be searching for the words to express.  In the six years that we actively worked at rehablitting Mako never once did we regret it.  We made progress by leaps and bounds, and then we have moments that seemed to take s back to the beginning.  She was our life and we were hers.

All that ended today at 3pm.  Sedatives and sedation made her less likely to attack those whom surrounded her.  We were there and we held her with each laboured breath.  What I wouldn't give to just snap my fingers and take away all those years of abuse before us.  What I wouldn't give to have her here grumbly and growly in my arms right now.  We kissed and hugged and held her.  She was afraid.  I cannot say she went gently into that good night, and I will forever be haunted by it.  It wasn't the way it should have been.  It wasn't what we wanted, it wasn't what she wanted.  It was however the right choice... The "right choice" still sits acidic on my tongue as I whisper and stand by my decision. 

Her pain ended, and took full residence within my soul.  It's mine to carry now.  I owe her that.  I owe it to her to never forget, never remain quiet, to never ever give up or in on my advocacy of animals or of those whom are unable to stand-up and speak for themselves.  I owe her that and so much more.  Today and for all my days, I will remember her just as she was.  Perfectly imperfect.  A beloved member of my pack and a permanent resident of my soul. 

Her eyes in those final moments, will haunt me forever. 

I will see you again Mako.  Over that bridge I know you wait for me, and I cannot wait to see you again.  I so love you for now, and for always.  I am broken hearted by your absence in my life. 

Nodding and Smiling

He's out of control.  She hasn't an ounce of control.  It a recipe that just screams disaster.  So here we are.  Hosting a new path while still learning about each other.  No longer childless or alone in our growth or travels.  He's a child, just.  He's no life skills, or discernible means of being on his own.  Thats is ours to correct now.  Human or animal related why do I continue to be given things that other's wish to throw away?

I take on the challenge happily.  Or at least something close to that emotion.  But yes, I do have concerns.  I do have a fear or two.  May they remain just those things on my peripheral and may they never become a reality.  I've never agreed with our societal, "just get a new one" mentality.  I suppose it's time to put y money where my mouth is.   

I cannot help but wonder if I will always have to spend my life fixing what other's break.  It's a thankless job, but it does have it's rewards.  Let's hope the path to those rewards do not cost me, my sanity.