A year end review...another long winded brain barfing a la carte

The more things change, the more they stay the same; or is it united we stand divided we fall? I have concern that we may land on the wrong side of the former quote if we are not careful. Maybe this year it has been a little of it all. Our sanity breaks stemming from LOLz Cats and heroic stories from those who rescue everything from coral to wildlife; that is for those who've not completely given up and ensconced themselves in the neutrality of internet porn and 4Chan or trying to keep up with those baffling Kardashians. (which still might fall under the wide cast net of porn) Oh yes, lest I forget Beyonce had twins, I shaved my head, am still the nicest lesbian in York Region voted by cab drivers thank you for your faithful service Today's Taxi, and I officially became too old to show my knees in public; yet managed to completely embrace National Naked Gardening Day despite the rain and frigid temps. Thank the net gods that event was not and will not be televised.

We've clearly had our ups and down's, there are so many days when you can't imagine anything good will ever happen. I watch as my fellow countrymen and women both in Canada and The United States (for these days I find myself a woman without a true flag) bury themselves under a black fog of partisanship, self promotion, chosen ignorance, and what we've come to note as a brand of politics that is just plain mean. Hurricane Irma, the wild fires in California, Las Vegas, Charlottesville, Va., Sutherland Springs, Texas, and Nazi's marching with nary a care (thanks to a wink and nod from D.J.Trump) down the streets taught us new levels in the fear of loss and a return to racism and many other “isms” that my grandfather; rest his soul donned a uniform and pledged to protect us from. I do wonder what his take on all of this would be. I dare say he and I would have had some rather heated debates on it all. He was after all a Regan supporter, and a staunch Catholic. To be fair I worked in the voting polls for Obama and am a staunch tree hugging Pagan. We all have our crosses or trees it would seem.

2017 was the year Republicans took over the government, democrats and the news media obsessed endlessly over allegations with the 2016 elections. President Trump's incessant chatter about "fake news" has become a viral meme. A Toronto man (Adi Astl) taught us the value of just getting it done, cutting through the red tape of city counsel and building a staircase for $550 dollars and not the estimated $65,000 quote from city hall. I can only assume he bought his nails in bulk. We Canadians played our version of “Where's Waldo” and sure enough found Anton Pilipa, who had been missing since 2012; living in the Amazon. Many celebrated 150 years in the square, and some in a very large Tepee, leading to communication on why not everyone cheered the progress of the last 150 years understandably. And we had some long overdue apologies to our indigenous peoples, with a greater understanding that we must do our best to help heal old wounds from the horrors we as Canadians have allowed to be ignored.

The message to end bullying in all its forms became far more prevalent. It not only brought us celebrities like Lady Gaga, Demi Lovato, Allison Janney, Ellen, Pink, Pitbull, Nick Cannon, Metallica and Maclemore just to name a few to stand with those feeling utterly alone, but allies in the most uncommon of folks as well. Xander Rose of Nova Scotia found support when his family grew 100 fold to include 100's of bikers escorting him all the way to his middle school doors and proving that loud pipes really can save lives. Even in the face of bullying and racism. Maybe just maybe if politics brings out the worst in people, people can and do bring out the best.

Wherein we often see women bring other women down, it does seem to be a year of “Women supporting women” from notables like Kortney Olson of GRRRL clothing, and my sisters in the Grrrl Army who inspire me daily. Much like my fellow animal advocates and rescuers who regardless as to the daunting task before them, and the misinformation touted by others continue to, as Rebecca Cory would say “Be their voice”.

It was also the year my son stood where his grandfather had stood. Honouring the dead, along a beach, hillside, ridge, and monument covered in boots and poppies, a testament and reminder to us all that we as a country are not only “the peacekeepers” be we indeed stood up as warriors defending those who had no legs, gave a voice to the voiceless, and maintain no matter the odds never backing down to the evil within the hearts of men whom try to do us and others great harm. I cannot yet put into words the emotions that evokes for me, suffice to say it is powerful.

Just as powerful for me was my ability to do my part in helping other's who simply needed a chance. ;IGY6 (pause I've got your six) is now and will remain near and dear to me, and through some of my work with our Battle Buddies I have come to know some amazing humans and Kelly is one that really moved me in her willingness to share her daily life with PTSD and just what that looks like. When some of the more difficult moments of the year hit home for me it was people like her and my ex and still best friend Les's, open letter of apology to those citizens he polices and across North America who had become openly and with reason distrustful of those in service to protect them. Reminding me if not us all that hero's don't have to wear capes, some just wake up every day and truly care.

2017 for me personally was a year of growth, and breaks (yes Mattea my bones do ache), getting lost, getting found, getting woke further, and finding a balance between my adoration of all things nature and love of all things technological. Bridging a gap between the two and finding connection within. “The circle of my steel” both expanded and yet closed in it's ranks. There is a feeling, an urgency if you will of needing one another more. In actually connecting with others both face to face and online. A merging of compassion's and a demand to hold and be held accountable. When I wasn't able to travel I relished in the adventures of John and Mist, and love their reminders that adventures big or small are always best when done with a glad heart and a positive attitude. Next to Jayne and Mark, Mist and John are the people I greatly admire for their compassion, and who are just good people. Who knew a love of reptiles would bring such outstanding souls into my life. Of course John would be completely dismayed should I not note that he is a manly sort of man with great looks and a working tool box...Mistelle stop spitting tea on the screen and laughing you hot momma.

So to close this year I was also able to see my brother Michael find his inner smile and his outer calm, he will never know how deeply loved and appreciated he is just just for being himself. I reconnected with my sister Darla, and got to acknowledge how damn grown our 'children' are. Plus I became a glamma to the most adorable grandpuppy named Roman, and continue to have the distinct privileged of seeing my daughter grow in her inner strength and her outward confidence. What more could I possibly want than to look back over the year and see that my children, their siblings (my other kids), and those that I love be happy?

Regardless as to the political climate, and the fallout that has occurred within and without our borders it is my fondest wish that you can look back over your year and smile knowing that you are loved.

Fire Below

Some days it all goes right. Timing is perfect, numbers climb with ease, and everyone crossing your path has something nice to say. Those days are fantastic. 

Today everything that could go wrong kind of did. Murphy and his entire book of laws sidled up to me and made me his bitch. Still I was sure we could salvage our numbers and just hold our heads high. Now I’ll let you in on a little secret ...”there is such a thing as too much focus”. 

550 pieces, 2 weld cells, 3 robots, 4 tricky light curtains, can have me really hauling ass and doing my best to ensure the paperwork doesn’t look like marauders rode through and beat the living daylights out of the place. Especially when there are less than 8 of us in the entire plant trying to keep things going while everyone else is off until the New year. 

I was so hyper focused on making numbers that the look of... utter bafflement and shock upon my face sent my future ex-husband Jordan into fits of laughter as he calmly said, “umm sweetie, the back of your cell is on fire.” 😳 “So that’s why this cell smells like eggnog!” Was my surprised response that now sent Jordan into peels for laughter as he let loose with the fire extinguisher. 

Fire suppressed rather quickly with the two of us attacking it, all the while I grumbled “big factory filled with metal and concrete and I have to be the one to set shit on fire... fml” Jordan for the most part tried to stifle his laughter as we sprayed and stomped the fire to a slow and tedious death. 

When we cleared it all and I was ready to get the damn cell back up and running we surveyed the debris and low and behold my part in the fire was completely secondary as the maintenance man was the culprit. The little bitch didn’t want to get dirty so he laid cardboard down on the floor to lay upon. 

That was our ignition point for the flames, his tool kit and grease covered rags just helped everything along nicely. Jordan who as luck would have it was doing some suspension work above me and from his gear as he hung from the ceiling noticed the flames. 

So thanks to my future ex-husband for saving my life. 😋 next time let me finish my work first!

There is help a text away

Let the word spread, let the people know, there is always somewhere they can turn.

Did you know that if you text 741741 when you are feeling depressed or suicidal, a crisis worker will text you back immediately and continue to text with you?  Many people, especially younger folks, do not like talking on the phone and would be more comfortable texting. 

It's a free service to ANYONE

Lugz and Christian Dior Lipstick

So way back in the 90s I had this kid. Where my daughter Tea is my soul rendered visual, GQ is my heart that beats outside of my body. He was and still is one of my biggest touchstones, challenges, and honesty gauges. Thankfully I have children who will call me out on my shit faster than anyone. I raised them to be outspoken, free thinking, society changing little peeps... and doesn’t it friggin piss me off when they do it. 🙈😆. So this awesome highly active kid enters my life and can crawl faster than most people walk, was riding a 2 wheeler by 3yrs old and rarely sat still. Enter timberlands, lugs, baby steel toes just to slow this little lovable shit down! (Not thinking ahead to when they came off at how much faster he’d be🙄) so big bucks spent on the boots, even bigger bucks spent on at the tube of Christian Dior lipstick that was so purple and gorgeous and like a weeks worth of plasma donating to afford... 🖕🏼. So I go and do the dishes only to notice The Quiet... panic, fear, then omfg what have you done dismay and a phone call to his awesome dad with the teary begging of “if you don’t come get him I’m taking him out and we can just try again...” kind of faulty logic. There my son sat using my beautiful tube of brand new very expensive lipstick to completely colour one of his Lugz a stunning shade of rich purple. In that moment I was certain I understood why lions eat their young. Thankfully he still lives and is awesome AF but yeah when he has kids... oh man pure jokes coming his way. 👍🏼😈

Catching Lightening

What does "mainstream" mean to you? 

Over the years mainstream to me has come to mean sweet fuck all.  Mainstream or often time social norms, has given us a culture of permissiveness to all the "isims" and negativity that has feminists and out of the box thinkers shouting louder than Susan Powder "stop the insanity!"  Mainstream thinking would have us believe that rape culture is the norm and ok.  That women are still best when married with children, and far too emotional than men. 

Mainstream has young girls believing that numbers are important; and yes they are if you are an economist, a mathematician, a scientist, or any of the other jobs that require an acute attention to numbers.  However mainstream isn't focusing on those things are they?  No they are focusing on the size of our breasts, waists, age, and height to weight ratio.  Mainstream has us focusing on having the perfect beach body, and so many other harmful stereotypes. 

There are so many more glass ceilings to break through, chains to break, minds to expand, and souls to set a blaze with a passion for so much more than what is to be accepted as the norm.  My visions of life at 50 and beyond has nothing to do with slowing down, finding a cozy sweater, or of thinking about retirement.  I've always said that I haven't a problem settling down, its the settling that I will continue to push back against.  As though because of my age I must slow down and just accept that this is how it is and is going to be. 

Fuck that!

I have zero fucks for societal norms and the expectations that those whom follow mainstream thoughts hold for me.  Mature women are far better at catching lightening then men are.  We can adapt faster and understand the value of catch and release like few others.  Our value does not decline as we age.  Our power grows exponentially with each year and every new experience. 

We don't often see that, and it's merely because it's not part of the social norm.  There are those of us whom are changing that.  We are pushing back against what is expected of us and showing other's that what we expect of ourselves is of far greater importance and value.  We are changing the game, changing the narrative, and changing what the face of maturity looks like.  We are walking, lifting, and powering our way through those barriers both in and outside of the gym. 

Each of us has the ability to change the minds, hearts, and thought process of not only ourselves but those around us.  We are a GRRRL ARMY and we will not be stopped by anyone.  We are mothers, sisters, grandmothers, friends, lovers, and we will not stand by silently as has been so often the expectation.  We will not allow our worth to be defined by our size or our age.  She is not my competition, she is my equal even in all of our beautiful, powerful differences.

KO Founder of GRRRL Clothing

         

Home For the Holidays

Wherever you may be, may you be healthy, happy, and whole.  May you on this day of giving now that you are a gift onto yourself and you are loved.  Be safe, be warm, and even though I cannot be with you physically, I am always with you in spirit.

Oil Lamps and Memories

Shine on, there’ll always be a little light. ❤️ I love you to the moon and back...

Thought vs. Action

As the old saying goes... there is no shame or dishonour in stating that a dead man is in fact dead.

You can (ok I can rarely) be politically correct and still have others jump up and down completely shocked that you dared to say whatever it is you said.  The older I get the more I realize that there are a great many whom have a huge difficulty understanding the difference between thought and action.  I can say “there is no greater love than that of being a parent, there is also no greater urge to drown the little suckers in a rain barrel.”  All people see is a horrific mother whom hates her children.  They would of course be vastly wrong.

People want neat, tidy, often desired wrapped in pretty paper topped with a bow.  Life’s messy, human emotions... well those are ten times as messy with heaps of twisted neurons topped with a half eaten sour gummy bear.

In The Next 4 to 8 weeks...

According to the SPCA and Humane Society, in the next 4-8 weeks, you'll all be seeing the "We need to re-home our pet..." posts. These are the people who went ahead and purchased puppies & kittens as Christmas gifts who are suddenly allergic, moving, having a baby, don't have time, their kids won't take care of it, didn't think they'd get so big, blah, blah, blah. Problem is, almost 90% of unwanted pets, sadly end up in kill shelters.

Allow me to break it down for you.

You didn't know you had an allergy? Oops. Don't let the pet suffer, buy some allergy medicine, if you love your pet, it's absolutely worth a shot.

You're moving? What city are you moving to that doesn't allow dogs? Bullshitville? You have a responsibility to your living, breathing family member to plan ahead to find a house, apartment or condo that will ALLOW your family member. Period.

Oh, you had no idea you were due to have a baby in 2 months? Interesting. Get a dog trainer if you're housing a breed you fear might become an issue. It's also worth a shot.

Don't have time for ONE 15 minute walk, or to have a dog just sit next to you while you're home? Really? So they're better off in a shelter than waiting in your house for you to get home? Ok, perhaps get another pet to keep them company or look for a local dog-sitter.

Oh, you mean your 5 year old didn't step up to the plate to feed, walk and scoop poop? And this surprised you? I guess it's time for YOU to step up and model responsibility for your child.

Wrong size? Not cute as an adult? Not quite the personality you expected? Look in a mirror, how did you turn out? Should we send you back? 😡 

Thank you Satan

Thank you Satan for my hellhounds and all of the unique creatures that I've come to care for.  They are perfect just as they are.

Play your part well...

Yes, life is a play, and only some can be good playwrights, dramaturges holding the power to change the way the story ends.

You do you and I'll do me

It's certainly not my choice in clothing, but then again stirrup pants, and crocks have me feeling the same way. Still not my business to tell someone else what to wear. (Though crocks make you look like a schlub, and if you put those little 'snap in things on them for decoration...barf) Still not my place to say what someone else should or shouldn't wear. Personally I'm naked as the day I was born and that might bother more people than those pants. 　

Be Contrary

Never should any of us be silent spectators of unfairness, chosen ignorance, and cruelty.  For if good men and women do nothing tis evil enough.  Our graves will allow us all the time in the world for silence, while we live we should always dare to question and challenge not only others but ourselves when behaviour is unwarranted or foolish.

Constructive criticism is your friend

"The millennial generation does not like being wrong.  They are unaccustomed to it.  Their education – a unique blend of No Child Left behind, helicopter parenting, and oppression olympics, has made them uncomfortable with socratic criticism."

 -Stephen T. Asma

Swipe Left?

It's time to get your head out of the clouds and your legs in the air!  This consequently is the motto of 90% of the men on dating sites.

Single by choice

"How would you like to live under my skirt?"  

Things we think but never say or act upon is as vast as the space above us.

You're My Team

There's an old saying: "Those who speak, don't know; and those who know, don't speak."

I don't know if that's true or not, but I know that by and large the gossip mongers doesn't care who really knows what as long as they've got a quote.  Even if it's not a direct quote.  Just something they can make seem important and makes it look like they're in the know. 

For those that I've worked with on a variety of issues to the teams I've played on, I tell each of them the same thing.  There is a huge importance on being a cohesive unit, and not speaking ill of those on our team.  Should issues arise, we speak to one another not outsiders. 

We're a group.  We're a team.  From the CEO and captains to team leads on through, we're a team...We win together, we lose together, we celebrate and we mourn together.  And defeats are softened and victories sweetened because we did them together...And if you don't like this team... then, there's the door...

It's great to be in the know.  It's great to have the scoop, to have the skinny, to be able to share inside information with another, or to vent when you have a frustration.  However should you take that information to be cruel or just to say, "I know something you don't know about so and so..." leaving the gossip mongers to become your fans and you sell out the team... You create an environment of mistrust and prejudice, and it'll be embarrassing to me and embarrassing to the team.  It will place stress upon the person you've gossiped about, and it will piss me off.  I won't huff and puff.  I won't take anyone's head off.  I simply say this: you're my guys.  And I'm yours... and there's nothing I wouldn't do for you, so do not let me down.

No Dating November

No boyfriend November was a total success.  I think I shall attempt to skillfully navigate don't date December, just me January, fabulously living alone February, no man March, and all alone April!

Words we never say

We never say "I love You." any more,why should we when we both know it.

We never say "I miss you." any more,why should we when we both know it.

We never say "I thank you." any more,why should we when we both know it.

We never say "I miss Your touch." any more,why should we when we both know it.

We never say "Hold me, I need your arms around me." any more, why should we when we both know it.

Well I am going to say the words we never say any more.

"I love you, I miss you, I thank you, I miss your touch, hold me I need your arms around me."

We need more people that will says these words to each other.

Catch and Release

He wasn't coyote ugly by any means, but he wasn't what he appeared to be at midnight.  Now in the glaring light of day, his lopsided smile was ok but not drool worthy.  His overall appearance was 'cute' in a grown masculine way.  By all standards he was a catch.  It was his hands.  Those things that should be able to grip tools as well as hair, now in the stark light of day were tool small for his body.  Looking like doll hands on overdeveloped arms.  They were the hands of a young boy, not that of a man and it made my stomach do a flip-flop that had nothing to do with butterflies and everything to do with loosing my liquid lunch.

Yes, I can be shallow and picky.  Often times after the point of no return.  My bad.  Still, this is just not something I can overlook.  It will matter not how kind he is, how smart, or funny, or how good in bed he could be.  Those hands are just not ever going to do it for me.

What can I say, sometimes I want to make sweet passionate love; other times I want a man who'll pull my hair, smack my ass and say, "You're mine!"

Tiny hands need not apply. 

Oh you're..still... single?

What’s a Queen without her King? 

 Well, historically speaking, more powerful.

Depending upon who's asking this can sound as though the asker is surprised, or if related to me, and in a position as my blessed very Jewish, very princessy God mother much like eternal disappointment/shame/and condemnation.  Tauntie is this tall lithe figure, who just so happens to always be well put together.  Hair, did, nails did, you know how the song goes. 

Next to Tauntie, I look like a schlub.  A homeless schlub, possible with alcoholism.  Should you ever feel as though your self esteem has reached new heights, come see my Tauntie and we'll have that issue cleared right up.  For those of you whom have been reading , well a long while you may remember that Tauntie is also my Godmother.  I like to call her my Fairy Godmother, to her face and she in turn slaps my ass in this loving yet reprimanding manner which is somehow supposed to remind me of my place and that while she adores me I will forever remain a disappointment.

Oh the subtle nuances of having a Jewish princess for a Fairy Godmother.

So this morning, Tauntie decided to surprise me with a very early visit.  Like she knew I'd be home...alone.  Now the fact that she was right isn't important!  I mean I'm a grow woman, she should have called to see if I was up, or had company, or was busy.  Alas no, Tauntie and her knock, a knock that is at once alarming and yet filled with disappointment alerted me to the fact that I was only wearing a wifebeater that had a glaring wine stain on it and no pants, with day old makeup and smeared lipstick.  Life as a grown single woman is ever so glamorous.

Now there will be those of you whom woke up refreshed, greeting the day, and possibly family members with a smile and song in your heart.  I however opened the door to those pursed lips and the once over glare.  "What have you been up to?  Are you entertaining?  Darling you look like an old stripper!  That's no way to keep a man!  ..where are your pants!"   These were the rapid fire statements that hit me like a bucket of cold water before I could even say good morning.  So as I found pants, a bra, and something resembled a clean shirt Tauntie, being Tauntie pointed out all of the things that I needed to clean while lifting my freshly filled wine glass and eyeing me over the rim of it with a look that spoke volumes.

Whatever happened to sleepy Saturday mornings filled with cartoons and staying in your pj's till 3 in the afternoon? 

Tauntie in her effort to aid my 'barren love life' began to impart her particular brand of wisdom upon me.  "Darling, now listen to Tauntie...  Men, all men love three things.  Food, sex, and a woman who can be quiet."  My arched eyebrow and subsequent smirk were derailed when she added, "we both know you have a gift with the first two, but that last one needs work darling."  How any one person can sound so proud and filled with total shame at the same time is beyond me.  I of course not having a grasp over that last one; cannot be blamed for my smartassed response. 

I ever so delicately informed my always correct Tauntie that in this case she may in fact be wrong.  Her indelicate snort told me just what she thought of that, yet I pressed on having already had wine and still reeling from my chocolate cake hangover.  I agreed that no I was not always the shy quiet type but I had my moments, and that yes I can cook and bake up a storm with the added gift of drizzling it all in a shiny tempered chocolate but that my sexual prowess may be ever so lacking in my...maturing years. 

You see I cannot be so blase and say "been there seen all that" when it comes to traveling the world over; but I have traveled a far amount.  Now in my travels, I have come to take note of one very common face and sound; that being of the tongue out/gagging/almost vomiting noise with wrinkled nose and eyes watering being a sign of clear distress and dislike of something. 

As I explained this Tauntie knowing me as well as she does crossed her arms over her chest and and waited with a perfectly arched eyebrow and a cautious, "continue darling.".   

"...well having come to that well informed bit of information Tauntie, I must confess that I feel as though I am unlikely to please most men.  For those troglodytes all seem to think that face while accompanied with those sounds mens put your hand on the back of my head and push my face down harder which has me thinking they are all seriously fucked and I'm having none of it!"

For a brief moment I was certain I could visibly see her xanax stop working.  So I did the next best thing, I lied like a rug....

So T, were having a June wedding; Tauntie isn't liking the idea of haggas a a main dish or of you wearing a kilt.  In turn I say go for it and sorry for dragging you into my fresh hell, but appreciate you going the distance with me on this.  Hope your Saturday is fantastic, text you soon.  xo 

“Sorry, I’m not Adele. I don’t wish the best for you, nor do I want to find someone like you. I do, however, want to set fire to all of your stuff.”   

Not an ounce of makeup sex either

If I’m a sarcastic asshole when I talk to you, it’s either because I really like you and feel comfortable teasing you, or I really hate you and don’t care if you know it. Good luck figuring out which one.

Today I got my fifth,"I'm sorry" message.  I don't know what the hell is going on.  Suddenly the punk that was once a part of my life has decided to temporarily grow a conscience.  Now this isn't the first time he's attempted to do something like this.  It's as empty as his head and heart if truth be told.  Long ago and in a far away land I was as big a fool as my shapely ass.  Today however I am far bolder, wiser, and self assured.  The Punk, he's a manchild with anger issues and an abusive streak a mile wide.  When called out on his abusive nature the Punk likes to play the victim, when confronted face to face he likes to threaten with physical violence and horrifically vulgar language.  It's a tedious as it is pathetic.  He would see this post as an insult, while I firmly stand by the fact that I am simply describing him in accurate detail.     

I just think it'd be nice if there were no need for these surprise "I've been such a shit, and I miss you" messages.  If maybe we all valued each other a bit more, and you know if he would accept that he needs to get actual help in taking responsibility for his abusive nature.  I am however not the person to help him with that particular issue.  I couldn't care less if he died screaming.  Yes, people screw up.  People do the wrong things.  However not taking responsibility for your bad behaviour and seeking to actually change said behaviour, then turn around six months to a year later with,"Hope [you] will forgive [me] and don't hate [me] I miss you".  Of course his version of the aforementioned apology also includes, "Do you miss me and my huge ....?  I'm sorry for the things I said but you made me..."

It makes me want to write back and say, "Forgive you?, nope.  I do forgive myself for being such a twit and ever having given you the time of day.  Lesson learned, you are still a goof and I'm not going another round."  Then I remember the promise I made to myself of never, not ever going down that road again and simply blocked his damn number. 

When in doubt of how to respond, remember the rule: "Don't feed the monkeys.  They'll only throw shit at you for it."

No poles at the Inn

Tauntie called to ask how my new job was going and to ask what it was that I actually did at work.  I told her all of the pertinent details and how thus far everyone was quite welcoming.  She being true to herself and wanting me to be far more ladylike insisted that I should really be working something more befitting my womanhood.  I told her that my only other option was either being a stripper or going to work at a hotel as a maid. She drew a breath in sharply at that in shock, and told me how many diseases I could get, or "What if you find a dead body?" and "You would have to clean up other people's excrements!"

I'm not sure which possible job she was referring to...possibly both knowing how her mind works.

Cucumbers before bed

I saw Maunie, Myles, Dave, Keith, Tieg and Eric on Jerry Springer.  Eric had blue spiked hair and Tieg was yelling wildly "You know she don't wanna have no more damn kids!!" 

I'm never eating cucumbers before bed again.

Creepy neighbour

Like, the day before yesterday when I was leaving for work, my 80 year old neighbour told me,

 "You look like a sexy rocker chick."

 ... and yesterday when I was coming home from work, "You look like a sexier version of that flashdance girl."

It's like rocket science

I'm interrupting my jubilant to do list making ... okay I'm finally doing what I should have done days ago, why don't you just go fuck yourself? ... to tell you a few things that came to light for me whilst on the toilet:

1. I'm done with this red hair.  I'm going way dark again.

2. I am wearing underwear called,"Barely There". Only it's everywhere. From upper thigh to above the belly button. Perhaps if I painted some sort of thong pattern on them they would have the appearance of being sexy while still being the most comfortable thing on my ass since pumpkin pudding.

3. My hair is sort of sticking up in the back but not in my cool mohawk pattern, but more of a "whoohaa who scared you?" type array. The question then is,"Is it worth the effort to actually brush it out when I am still in my thong and wifebeater?" 

4. This toilet sits way low to the floor when I'm wearing heels.

Convivium, fornicatio, prae omnibus aes

As the Canadian populace awakes with deep sighs of relief, for we are a well prepared people ( for the most part) there are those that are cussing like sailors with turrets.  Many of our proud and noble populace embarked upon their farewell to summer's last hurrah in the wee hours of the morning, while the roads were clear and the frustrations ever so low.  Now the few that waited until late this morning (much to our nations shame and mocking) are stuck inside their vehicles bumper to bumper, grumbling, grousing, and scowling at their progeny as they attempt to reach their cottages and the relaxation held within.

Then there are those of us whom have just escaped our captors, shucking off the dregs of our servitude seeking sleep and wine.  Not necessarily in that order.  My partner in crime, my ride or die gal-pal and I are two of such indentured babes.  We were in fine form last night, skipping into work 5 hours late.... for our. last. shift....before we begin our new adventure come Tuesday.  Gluttons for punishment as we are, and two self empowered women whom honour the hustle we've decided that diving headlong into a six day work week is worth it when the payoff is fairly sizable for us.  Long may our hustle live!  This of course most notably ensures that for the foreseeable future that we shall have no life.  At least not outside of work.     

This weekend is our last grasp at Convivium, fornicatio, prae omnibus aes.  Though we are aiming for only one of the three.  Which one remains even a mystery to us.  

“Partying, fornication, and above all debt” 

Pieces of Me

I used to enjoy dancing the night away and greeting the day with a group of friends regaling the night's events with them by my side.  Now I find myself spending the night's I don't work, alone with a book in my hand; getting lost in a whole other universe.  I'm told that there's this spark in my eyes when I get excited and am truly passionate about something.  That I've a fire in my soul.  I enjoy talking about everything and anything; and I'm far more open-minded than people thought I would be.  I can still wish only good for those who've hurt me.  I hope to someday find someone whose love doesn't need to be questioned.  To welcome into my life another who supports, motivates and appreciates me for exactly who and what I am.  I know I am better off today than I was yesterday.  I know who I am and what I stand for.  Laughter, loyalty, passion, growth, acceptance, and forgiveness. 

Pieces of me, those which strengthen and make me vulnerable just the same.

Per aspera ad malam occupationem

Day's off never actually are.  I have many times over now, covered on shifts that are not mine.  Those shifts that are short of staff, or that have far too many newcomers to be deemed effective often call upon myself, Sista, or both of us to correct the mayhem that far too often occurs.  Today was no exception.  My Sista was unable to attend the insanity, thus I marched to my own beat whilst refraining from rolling my eyes at the turkeys surrounding me. 

The most difficult portion of the day, was precisely the day.  I am a night shift worker, I embrace all things night.  So to be awake while the sun is so high in the sky, is apocalyptic to me.  Still I muddled through, moving at the speed of light; showing those around me what the meaning of hustle is.  Each at one point or another attempted to tell me to slow down, or to "pace myself".  To what level of slowness, or pace they were referring; is unclear.  I dare say, they are simply lay-with a capital Zee.

“Through adversity to a bad job”

Less than eloquent

Time crunches, schedules crammed into 12 hours when they should in reality take 36.  Neck breathers, handsy strangers, and just far too little caffeine.  There are moments I am less than lady like, less than polite, less than eloquent.  And far too abrupt.  When the dance halts, and each limb is filled with such tension that every inch of each tendon coils so tightly with a desire to strike in much the same fashion of an angry Cobra...

The Ultimate Queen

We whom live for the dance, feel a sense of bereftness when that dance must end suddenly.  Yes even should two have danced together for a great many years.  Those years created a unique rhythm, steps that required no such anticipation of the new partner, these steps were always true and led by our hearts.  Today one dance ended so abruptly that I found myself unable to maintain my footing. 

What a world we are living in

What a week.... what a world we are living in.

“Love and civil discussion is always the answer to hate.”

Not always easy is it when you have groups like white supremacists, neo-nazi's, Nazi's, independent militia men and those that claim to be nothing more than the 'Alt-right' or nationalists; whom we all understand to be racists and anti semitic plain and simple are so brazenly and seemingly accepted. Or at the very least given way to spew their horrific beliefs publicly, some toting semiautomatic weapons without recourse. Yet when BLM men and women whom are justifiably fed up with the treatment they have and are receiving are met with riot gear. Or those peacefully protesting the DAP are met with attack dogs. It's hard not to think we're in a world gone completely fucking mad.

I am often loud and brash and well those that like me would say, “she's a free spirit, and she loves dogs, the environment and veterans most but yeah she can be pretty intolerant to those she morally disagrees with. She's got a good heart but if you push her too far she'd scare the shit out of you with her temper and her willingness to go to jail for something she truly believes in.” They would be correct. I am most certainly imperfect, flawed, and often times a real pain in the ass and exceedingly difficult to like let alone love when fighting for social justice issues that hurt my heart, or more importantly to me; those that I love. I thank those of you who continue to love me regardless, and must thank my children for always standing by me, even when it might be embarrassing or down right hard as hell.

I have always been and will forever remain unapologetically, “Government over big business, the individual over the government, the environment over everything....and Native Americans... give them anything they want. We stole their land and continue to treat them as interlopers on their own soil!” After all there isn't much to fight over once it's just a big dead rock with humans and animals alike having been tortured and slaughtered for corporate profit.

I do firmly believe that there is a time to stop talking and take action, much to many peoples horror. Pacifists and I will never see eye to eye, nor will those whom claim neutrality. I have always believed and will always believe that complacency and silence in the face of bigotry, racism, misogyny, and discrimination makes you part of the problem. No not necessarily “all ....people need to die kind of racist” but yes you handed them the rope, or bat and turned a blind eye kind of racist. Over the last few years I have cut those people out of my life and will continue to do so as they crop up.

For if good (wo)men do nothing, tis evil enough.

I am blessed to have a rainbow of family, friends, and acquaintances from so many different races, cultures, religions, and sexual orientations. It is my heartfelt hope that each of you know I love you for who you are, and am so very thankful to have you and your various and rich cultures and belief systems as a part of my life, even though I may not always understand you or you, I. You help to not only broaden my knowledge base but through your love and acceptance of my often times difficult self, make me a better human being. My daughters Angel and Mattea, your bravery to live your truth makes me brave in return. Quincy, your steadfast, critical thinking self reminds me to temper my emotions look deeper and our honesty with one another makes me continue to hold myself accountable. Michael I could not have asked for a better brother, friend, and voice of reason; I am honoured to call you family. Alyssa and Jaiden, your acceptance and love have always filled me with joy, you are family and I love you. 

Rose, Floyd, Les Jr. & Sr. your calmness, dedication, and constant support have always meant the world to me. Karen your drive is something I aspire too, I am so proud of you. Teri, your perseverance and eye for the beauty in nature never fail to make me pause and remember to appreciate those little things around me.Darla, Jess, Asha, and Mist your enduring love are beacons of light in an all too often dark world. Jess you are a kick ass fantastic human being and I am so damn glad to have met you and been allowed to share in your past and present, woman you are so damn strong! Gill and Alison your passion to help others be they human or animal remind me to centre myself and keep going when all I want to do it quit. Tieg, Bronwen, and Peyton your blunt honesty and kindness keep me honest and proud to have you in my life.  Mark and Jayne, your kindness, sense of adventure, consummate respect and abiding love for each other; and those whom you interact with reminds me that these traits never go out of style and keep the embers of hope in my heart burning bright.

Thank you all for being exactly who you are, and thank you for allowing me to be a part of your lives even in the smallest of ways. Should any of you stumble, have doubts, or want to just give up; know you are loved dearly.

The Reality of Online Dating

I've heard both men and women equally lamenting that dating in this modern world exceptionally hard. Each had emailed those they were interested in, and no matter how witty or personally-interested or polite they were, some of the people didn't email back.  I will openly admit that I am just as guilty of this.  I do not however get upset when someone I have contacted doesn't respond to me at all.  I accept and understand that in the world of online dating that attraction plays a huge role.  If there isn't an ounce of attraction, then no matter how witty, charming, kind, or brilliant the person is; it just won't work. Now for those few occasions that I responded with a generic response of, "Thank you for your interest, I do not however believe we are a match."  There have been very few who took that response in a positive light.  8 out of 10 fired back an angry email, delving into what a shallow whore I was and that they weren't surprised I was single as I was far too ugly to be dating anyhow.  Now I see this for what it is an refuse to take any such responses personally.  In truth I find it mildly humorous, rather sad, and very enlightening.

 There are of course those that did strike up a correspondence, more often than not they drifted off. This is, in many people's estimation, proof that the average guy or girl just can't catch a break, or the "nice guys and girls always finish last" mentality.  It is, however my belief, merely proof that the average guy or girl, no matter how well intentioned doesn't understand that average isn't "You tell someone you like them, a beautiful romance with passion thus ensues."  Online dating is a lot of swings-and-misses, for damn near everyone. You're gonna have way more misses than swings - and if you can't handle that, you're going to end up a massive ball of frustration and resentment.  The dating scene is rife with people looking for connections and not finding them; people not checking their emails, people drifting off, people having a few exchanges that dribble away into nothingness.   Convincing yourself that there's someone "with all the right answers" as though they are the Babe Ruth of dating, pointing at the bleachers and hitting every home run, is just gonna sour you.  In truth, very few people get everyone they want, mainly because most people are angling just a bit out of their depths.  The moderately decent-looking guy is seeking someone a little hotter than he is, that hot girl is seeking not sex but an actual relationship.  Just as often still people are not completely honest about what they truly want. 

I'm not saying it's fun, nor am I saying it's all bad.  I hate it when I talk to someone and they seem cool and then the connection disappears for reasons I never quite get to understand.  Even as I know that I've done that to people, and it's rarely if ever malicious - I've got an exceptionally busy life and finding someone who can accept that and have the patience to fit in with it all is rare.  Sometimes I think, "Oh, that person was cool, whatever happened to them?" and I realize with a shock that oh, wait, I didn't respond.  And some people, well, the connection just isn't there.  There's only so many "hey there's" and "whats up's" or "You're hot we should hook up sometime" I can handle before I realize they're not carrying on their side of the conversation or showing me anything of great depth.  But my point is that online dating is frustration.  You put yourself out there, and you'll get more frogs than princes.  That's not because you're unworthy, or because you're below average - it's because that maddening lack of connection is the average, and what's making you miserable is believing that somehow you don't deserve this.   Nobody deserves it.  But most people are getting it on some level. So stop embracing the pity party, it's not that "you suck" or that "they all suck."  The fact of the matter is, dating and the vast unknow can suck.  It can however also be amazing.