I typically want what I can't seem to have.

I’m going to be completely honest here, as the truth will surface eventually, or on the first date if you supply me with enough alcohol. Actually when I drink, I tend to be the exact as I am sober. I just tend to laugh more and filter even less. I tell stories that are hilarious to me, but may make others that don’t know me so well wonder if I'm nuts or just mean.

I’m 43 years old. I’m gainfully employed at a job that I can live with for now. It pays next to nothing for the work I do, and I believe management are morons, but I like my coworkers. I moved my daughter (she's an adult) and I into an apartment that works for us over a year ago, but its nothing to write home about. We make it work and thats enough for me. I'm not materialistic in the least, so having the best of everything isn't on my priority list.

Buying a house isn't even a glimmer on the horizon of my rent-paying life. I lived in far worse conditions like those years spent at home with my unstable ex, ill tempered mother, idiotic and often drunk off his ass step-father. I'm a silver linings kinda girl. My kids father and I are friends and I love that he has always been an amazing father to them. We just don't happen to work as a couple. Life happens, deal with it. School, well at this point i just cant see myself returning to it.

I cannot waste my time or energy on something I only have a vague interest in so that I can graduate in five years and start making decent money right off the bat. That isn't going to pay my bills in between, and I believe would cause my daughter a hardship I cannot accept. Working with anamals is a passion of mine. I've yet to figure out how to do so and make scads of money while still being ethical. So I roll with the punches.

I am not skinny. Given today’s standards, I am what you would call “full figured” though others say I'm average. I couldn't tell you, I care very little about that kind do of thing. Were I to grow another six inches, I would be what you would refer to as “built”, but as it stands now at 5’4… I have a big ass, hips, and thighs. I had a big ass when I was young, and I will have a big ass when I’m old. My teeth are not perfect. Far from it. I generally don’t smile with teeth, but I’m learning to accept this flaw for what it is since dentists don’t usually accept sexual favors for payment.

I used to drink quite a bit and had a decently high tolerance for alcohol but ever since I have moved with my pack, I don’t drink nearly as often and I’m afraid that when in the mood for drunken silliness, I become inebriated quickly. I prefer quality over quantity anyhow. I use big words sometimes, if you can’t understand what I’m saying, it’s probably best that you just nod and smile. Bae is not a word. My spell check and grasp of the English language tell me so. Sarcasm is second nature to me, maybe even first nature, I don’t really know since I’ve been using it for so long. I will make fun of you, to your face, and not feel the least bit guilty about it.

I will also laugh so hard I cry and most likely snort when and if you fall down or injure yourself in some other way. I’ll be okay with it if you laugh at me when I fall down… there is entirely too much gravity these days and accidents happen. At least with my drunken ninja skills as the case may be. My friends can be assholes. Most of my friends don’t even like each other and may not even like you. I’m a bit of a commodity where and when I actually make myself available. People also think that I’m probably a lesbian. I just smile and nod. I cuss like a sailor from time to time, but am perfectly capable of being politically correct.

If you do not understand sarcasm, if you have no wit or sense of humor, if I can’t con you into watching The Blacklist on TV and if you don’t like The Boondock Saints, please do not bother wasting my time. As it stands, I bring very little to the table at this point. I will not buy you nice things, I will go dutch but I expect you to pick up a bar/meal tab once or twice, you know… just to make this as much like prostitution as dating can be. I am more than likely not going to have sex with you anytime soon unless you really know what you’re doing and can get me past the point of “Whatever, I’m just going to lay here until it’s over”… Good luck with that. I am no beauty queen although if I make an effort, I can pull off cute, even pretty at times.

I am rockin’ the mom tummy. I've never given it much thought but it seems to be important to men. But if you’re interested in a witty, sarcastic, physically flawed, employed, yet has little time or money, a girl who lives simply with her pack of misfits, feel free to e-mail me with a picture and an honest description of yourself and what you’re into. I don't care what you drive, but if you play video games for more than 2 hours a day (every day) or are into RPGs, or if you're a racisit do not even bother. And please, do NOT send me a picture of your dick, or someone else’s dick that just happens to me more photogenic, or visible. That’s not the prettiest sight in the world, or Play Girl would have fared better.