Horny vs. Sleep Deprived

Apparently I missed the memo stating that from now on we are waking at 3 o'clock in the morning. They are awake and "talking" to me like I'm completely in the loop with what they're saying. They also seem to think that this is the time to try and lure me in to snuggle with them...on the floor. Puppies are not allowed on furniture. Four legs floor and all that jazz. Then ThePenis texts, around 4. He's just gotten home from work and is deluded enough to think that I'll drag my ass out of the house to ride him like a pony. Yeah, that's so not gonna happen. No penis is that good. All in all this means quite possibly not shutting my eyes again until 1am...tomorrow. Fan-freakin-tastic!

It's all so cute. In a way that has me wanting to scream and run away to Belize wandering the barefoot sands like a gypsy. Maybe I could convince LoneRider to run away with me? He's good about that stuff, and he wouldn't be demanding in the least. After all he and I are so very much alike, neither of us are truly capable of being around chosen ignorance. Probably why we get along so well, and he totally puts up with me making fun of his bimbos.

Or...

I'll just hypnotize them all. Possibly drink until it all makes sense ... or hide in the shed. I'm not sure which, maybe all three! I'm supposed to meet my FairyGodmother later today. I should tell her all about ThePenis, that would prove amusing for easily an hour. Might not want to play that card too often though, she'll probably go all fiddler on the roof on me. Ain't nobody got time for that!

Sugah, tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to be sarcastic.

Stabbing Bagels

The sun was bright and shiny before the mutts and I strolled out into the land of the living this morning. It was a nice break from reality. Playtime consisted of Mako running around like she was on crack, a welcomed change from our scare with her last night. Monster is, well he's being his usual demanding self. So while they are playing out scenes from Thunderdome in the livingroom, I am attempting to actually make breakfast for us all.  These bagels are far too dense to absorb even water let alone the delightful goodness that is fresh crurned butter. Hence the bagel stabbing.

Later today we'll try stabbing something other than bagels, however I have tea on the tit at the moment and that must be corrected.

Scared...I wish

The one constant in my life has always been the furry babies that surround me. This evening Mako while playing grabbed for a branch. Nothing new there, she was just being her typical dorky self. Except this time she grabbed a leaf from the vine alone with it. Within 2 minutes she was slowing down and coughing. Something was wrong! She dropped and started eating grass, something she never does; so yes she was in trouble. I called into the house to get Teaesme. She knew by my tone something was wrong. Peeking her head out the window I demanded the colloidal silver and the recovery meds.

Mako being the....difficult dog that she really can be when not feeling well was totally out of character. Not a growl, lunge, or even the hint of an attack came. She allowed me to shove meds down her throat and accepted all of the poking and prodding I was doing around her mouth. Thankfully her gums were nice and pink, although the saliva was thick and slightly frothing. I can't say I was terrified, but I wanted to be. Too bad I can no longer feeling that emotion, working with this bunch of difficult pups doesn't allow for that luxury anymore.

Being scared in our house is a weakness and weakness can get you killed.

Stunning Cheekbones

She's lovely, her jawline and cheekbones are flawless.  She's an ass you could bounce a quarter off of...So yes she's totally doable. I however am totally unaffected by her various charms. I like few others have been privy to her many charms and many more of her not so charming mannerisms. Now aside from the pretty facade that presents itself, I see a rabid bitch that seriously needs to be slapped.

"Wow, ten years of game night. What a milestone. Maybe you should celebrate with a suicide pact."
-Karen Walker.

Revisiting Life

He says he wants more.  He say's he wants to do it right this time.  I don't think or believe he's capable of such things. We were great in bed but that's all we'll ever be. Outside of some fun on occasions.... actually on second thought, no. I really don't want to spend time with him. The fact is that between the two of us, I have a bigger set of brass balls and as such I'll never completely respect him. The one I want to spend time with, well we're just having to work out scheduling.

Radical honesty. I'm totally enjoying this new found path.

Squirm

Today I have been all squirmy. And not in the good way.

I have been very irritable and impatient and just pissy today and I am not sure why. Maybe it's PMS. I thought it was because I was waiting for an e-mail from a certain someone. But then I got that e-mail and I was still squirmy. Every little thing just seemed to annoy me.

I didn't want to be at work, I didn't want to do my job anymore, I didn't want to be inside, I couldn't type right, I didn't want what I brought for lunch, I didn't want to watch TV during lunch. Just bad.

Even the e-mail I was waiting for pissed me off. Well, not so much pissed me off as confused me. I don't know what it is with some of my Canuck people. Maybe there are just some phrases I don't understand, since spending so much time in the USA. Maybe I'm a dolt. All I know is that I was clueless.

Even this entry is pissing me off. It MUST be PMS. I am getting that jittery feeling of unrest in my legs. I have never been good at sitting still, but even less so on days like today. I feel like I should be up and at 'em, doing something. I can feel creativity racing through my veins, but I can't harness it. And it is so FRUSTRATING!

Maybe I just need to get laid

Affection. A simple touch

Something as simple as a touch. How the craving of that is so strong right now. How exquisitely sweet it is to have someone just touch you. The placing of a hand on soft skin. Gliding it along an arm, a touch on your neck with warm wet lips. Skin tensing with pleasurable stress. Your mind as alight as every nerve ending. Then the melting begins.

At least I melt...do you?

There's always another call

Each time I'm firm in the belief I've got it all under control, its totally covered...life laughs in my face and points out how young and foolish I still am.  I was completely ready to call it a night when all hell broke loose and the phone calls wouldn't seem to end. How is it possible with the knowledge base available to anyone and everyone with the ability to ask a question that there is so much ignorance? How anyone can harm something in their care with such little consequence is beyond me. Why can we not just kill off each and every animal abuser there is? One day it will get better right? People will be more humane?

Not So Mighty After All

“As a species we're fundamentally insane. Put more than two of us in a room, we pick sides and start dreaming up reasons to kill one another. Why do you think we invented politics and religion?” -Stephen King

I happened to see one of the ex boytoys today. He looked like hell, and couldn't even remotely hold my gaze. How disappointing that he's fallen so far.

Stalling

I have this damn self assessment to do for work. Its my one year anniversary in which case I do not get cheese, wine, boytoys, hookers, chocolate, or a card. I get this stupid assessment. Someone at head office seriously needs to look into that bull shit. Would it be too much to expect a free coffee? So here I sit going over the most ridiculous questions that are posed in the format of answering in the 3rd person? Who the hell comes up with this stuff?
 

Sex

Sex and laughter are welcomed distractions.

   Distract me??

Sometimes it's good to deny

I'm pretending that Mako didn't wake me up at 2:04 this morning. Or that it was a welcomed distraction from the exquisitely vivid dream I was having about MisterJones. He is a tempting devil. Gotta love a man in a suit; especially if the suit is crumpled on the floor.

I'm pretending that it's not another two hours until my neighbor is back from his insanity trip and I can nap. He does this like clockwork on Sundays. It's as though he believes the loud obnoxious music will chase off his fucked life for a bit, and maybe it does. Who am I to judge?

I'm pretending that Dom is not going to call me five minutes after I fall asleep and tell me he's missing our time together.

While I'm at it, I'm pretending I have incredibly perky full breasts and ass that rivals Kim K's and that's why my dance card is always so full.

Pro-boner

I don't know what I'm doing at a strip club. Oh, wait, yes I do. What everyone does at a strip club, pay way too much for watered down drinks. I've never been to this one before. It has two stages, one for male dancers and one for female dancers. I suppose we're all waiting for something. Ass for some tits for others. I happen to be waiting for the guy on stage 2 to finish up so we can go eat.

I don't often discuss with many people that I'm bisexual. I've never hidden it, but far too often the over-sexed crowd hears "bisexual", and I'm having to explain that I've no interest in being their third. I rather like just falling for someone based on who they are, not just the package they arrived in. I'm quite fond of the idea of one day waking up with a breast in each hand. Neither of which belonging to me, but this isn't the place for that. So here I stand, alone; waiting for my bro-zone friend finish shakin' his groove thang and not really finding anything appealing this evening. So I keep going to the bathroom to take a break from the way to loud music and the lawyer who's way more drunk than he should be. At least in a public place.

There is a line every time. The second trip I am arguing with a Golden girl who's so far past her prime that her pussy drops dust each time moves forward. I keep letting people in front of me so she can't talk to me but she continues to turn and speak to me as though were fast friends. Its like this horrible reality show, with drunken slags and booty shaking queens. Finally, the line thins and I find myself hovering over the loo playing the balancing game and thanking the tranny in the next stall for the wad of toilet paper s/he slipped me under the stall. S/he tells me something very reminiscent of When Harry Met Sally, only he's way more Sally and way less Harry.

My third trip was thankfully cut short by my booty shaking bro-zone pal. He emerged just in time to save me from lawyer dude who was offering to show me his legal briefs pro-boner, then giggling like a wasted prom queen. Yeah, cause that would never get old.

Pro-boner.  Really???

Like a band of gypsies

I made three serious decisions last night while flipping chili pepper cheese stuffed burgers on the stove.

One, I will never again cook anything involving fava beans as they look too much like larva.
Two, when I magically strike it rich. I'm going to show up at Teaesme's work, pick her up, and we're going to some remote island with the dogs.
Three, when I a) find a sugar daddy or b) a rich man with a bad heart, I am going to take Teaesme on week long road trips, once a year.

Now maybe you think that's some wishful thinking, but I think it all depends on the ma.

He spoiled me

Some time early this morning, my eyes peeked open. A few seconds later, I shut them again. Then I realize the house is quiet and that I had woken up on my own. No blaring alarm, no demanding pets, no annoying texts. This hasn't happened in four whole months. I jump out of bed and grab my cell to see what time it is. I accidentally call to get my messages, "Shit, shit, shit!" I've had that phone a year and still have troubles getting it to hang up.

7:53am

his can't be right. I put Mako and Monster down at 12:30am. They should have been up almost 3 hours ago. Standing in the hallway, I listen to silence. I had that moment where you don't want to check which is quickly followed by a mad dash to the crates. I hear their light snores of truly tired pups. I sigh and slump my way over to the futon. I pull the blankets over me and up to my chest, roll to my right side- my favorite side on the futon. The side I never get to sleep on anymore because I'm always falling asleep sitting up.

Just when my eyes begin to close and my mind completely wanders to how this insanity ever occurred, LoneRider waltzes in the door with coffee in hand. "Morning sunshine!" I crack an eye open and what to my wondrous eyes did appear. LoneRider with vats of coffee and the statement that he'd already run and fed our vicious reindeer. We don't get moments like this often, but there he stood in all his gruff glory grinning at the state of my disheveled hair, big dog boxers and harley tank top. I couldn't help the groan that escaped my lips while a battle waged within between kicking his ass and thanking him for spoiling me. We opted to just cuddle and drink coffee.

His choice, not mine.

Keep your skirt down until everyone has finished their tequila!

Her voice was like nails on a chalkboard, her tits were overpaid for, and her fake blond hair looked like it was lifted from big bird, and no of course it didn't match her eyebrows. This of course was not to be outdone by her denim skirt that ended just below her crotch. When she was standing that is. Essentially she was every bit the wannabe biker whore that you see in the movies. Those bad B Rated movies that only get shown inside of those sticky floored, downtown movie theaters where no one every really uses their real names.

And then she sat down.

Hollymotherofgodfuckingblindmenowplease! I vommed in my mouth. For all those lusting over her overly inflated tits, if they had any common sense they'd have looked under the hood. Bitch needed to shave. Unless they were into granny porn, this was so not a good look. Now just as I was attempting to wash away the taste of vomm with 4 consecutive shots of tequila, she began to flirt. She flirted like sloppy seconds was her man course and I vommed in my mouth again.

That actually makes men horny?

Oh please don't even answer that. I'll probably vomm again.  

Something smells ... really bad

I'm teaching my neighbour how to cook. Well that was the plan anyhow. She began "cook" before I arrived, and in her own words "hey I found this recipe and it looked neat, so I'm giving it a whirl. Come see what I've done so far!" She said all this with a beaming smile, so proud of herself and her accomplishments thus far. I on the other hand since entering into the kitchen was battling the "fight or flight" urge for survival. It should be noted that fish in anything, outside of fish and chips, or a lovely fish bake/grill done with simplicity and appreciation of the delicate texture; well I find it completely abhorrent!

I being the kind hearted person that I am, steeled my nerves and hid my gag reflexes to leer over her...creation. "Oh my!...that looks....interesting." Was all I could muster with screaming like someone had just barfed upon my plate and tried to pass it off like raspberry truffle chocolate mousse cake. I'm not sure I can survive this... being helpful.

Would you eat deep fried fish with corn and avocado salsa quesadillas, topped with some kind of jizz white sauce?

Me either.

Put it on replay

I have that "Working Pa Nub" song stuck in my head. I would say I feel like I work in a Butt Mine, but you would totally take it the wrong way so I'll just say that I'd say it without actually stating it on its own.

12am: Woke up from her nap. ran herself outside. had fun chasing a moth. Cleaned up poop. Back to napping.
1:30am: Himself tries to get comfortable while curled around my neck. Neither of us are comfortable.
1:45am: Lights are actually turned off.
1:45am: "Eh. Eh!"
1:45am: Lights turned back on.
2am: Everyone settled in their crates.
2:02am: Unsettled in crates.
2:02am: Mucho cooing.
2:15am: Fucking text message. Really????
3am: Herself farts louder than a rhino. Smells of ass, possibly also rhino.
2:20am: Another text message. Plot his death..
2:20am: Remind him booty calls are not cool.
2:28am: Ignore text
2:30am: Lights back off.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
4:50am: I'm awake again.
5am: Everyone up and out. Clean up more poop
5:25am: Everyone fed.
5:30am: Playtime....Put the shoe down!!!
5:40am: I'm questioning my own sanity as I argue with the dogs.
5:55am: They all start talking back.
6:00am: Shower, convince cats I'm not drowning while trying to shave.
6:30am: Wake  back up, in the shower.
6:40am; Call from FB?? "Hey can you help find this guy a home?"
6:55am: 12 calls and an IOU later owner found.
7:10am: Dishes done.
7:20am: Coffee made.
7:35am: Mutts back out. More poop pick up. Woohoo
7:50am: Grooming and baths.
8:20am: Rewashing myself.
8:25am: make a #1 sign with finger.
8:28am: Put on makeup.
8:30am: Tame hair...sort of
8:34am: Fix eyeliner.
8:35am: Find socks...and one shoe
8:40am: Shout "See you later" to Teaesme and furry crew
9am: Catch bus.
9:05am: Pray I survive the ride.
9:15am: Kiss the solid ground.
9:20am: Am reminded by boss shirt has design on it thus not regulatory.
9:21am: Whisper "fuck the rules" and roll my eyes like the mature woman I am.
9:25am: walk by screaming baby, happy my kids have fur.
9:30am: Wrestle an obnoxious miniature schnauzer into a harness.
9:30am: Correct owner when she refers to him as her little angel!
9:35am: Smile. Cane arrives.
9:45am: Customer bring me tea...blech there's lemon in it. Irish peeps not Limey!
10am: Boss reminds me not to cuss out loud.
10:05am: Idiot DM shows up sporting a whaletail and talking about professionalism.
10:07am: Sweet jaysus give me strength.
3:00pm: Lunch meeting with boss.
3:30pm: We joke about just never going back.
3:35am: Go back.
4:00pm: Allow mundane tasks to wash over me.
6:45pm: fall asleep on ride home.
7:05pm: Dream I am trying to sleep on a toilet without waking a sleeping aligator.
7:15pm: Step off bus and let my feet direct me home.
7:28pm: Drag all mutts back out, redirect desire to eat dog next door.
7:45pm: Remember to feed them.
8:00pm: Trip over cat trying to hop over gate to bathroom.
8:10pm: Return countless emails and remind myself technology is of the good.
8:45pm: Return text from 2:28am
9:00pm: Write.
10:00pm: Get mutts back out and burn off energy. Even more poop pick up! Livin' the dream.
11:00pm: Sweep, mop, clean
11:30pm: Look around see no difference.
12:00am: Mutts to bed.
12:30am: Texting insanity
1:00am: fall asleep......

There is never a lacking of stupidity

Accident insurance claim forms ask for a brief statement about how the accident happened. The combination of the finger pointing instinct and the small spaces provided on the forms can lead to some curiously phrased explanations.

Car Accidents: 
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."
"No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."
"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."
"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."
"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."
"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."
"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision."
"I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."
"I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."
"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
"When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."
"The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."
"A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face."
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

Negotiating Myself

Some days I wish there were more than 24 hours in a day. Or else that I could somehow split myself in half. There is so much out there that I want to do and experience...and not enough time to do it all.

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

Feels Like Forever

I'm always on the go. There's always something to do, or at the very least something that needs my attention. Be it daily household chores, work, extending my training, helping someone somewhere find aid for a rescue, or just plain trying to help my rescues.  So it isn't any real surprise that my dating life is pretty much on the critical list. Typically I don't even bat an eyelash about curling up in bed alone. It's a big, gorgeous bed that I have had a love affair with for a long time. Though this evening its seems extra large and exceptionally empty.

One day that may change. I have learnt however, not to hold my breath.

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness. Maya Angelou

My Fake Boyfriend

My fake boyfriend visits me at works twice a week. Everyone in my entire staff knows I have a crush on him. No, forty-three is not too old to have a crush, shut up! He seems nice, but all I ever say to him is, "Hi!" or "How are you?" because I'm just that you-know ,cool.

So today I leered at his ass while he was leaving noticed him walking out of the store and I wondered where he was going. (Not stalkerish at all, I swear! Um, yeah.) He went to his car loaded up his purchases and got a folder out before he got in a car. The girls were totally all up in the window trying to see who was in the car. It was some girl.

No big deal!!!

I told my teammates that he was going somewhere for work with that girl (except I don't know that he works with any girls, Or where he works for that matter). Maybe she was a client or something. Seems legit.

Then it hit me. I knew exactly who she was!

She was his wife. And they were going to get a divorce. That folder he got out of his car? The divorce papers. I mean, clearly he is in love with me and is divorcing her so we can be together forever.

So yeah, the doctor said my new prescription would be ready tomorrow.

“The Edge... There is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.”
― Hunter S. Thompson, Hell's Angels: A Strange and Terrible Saga

Unleashes Hell

Back in the day I was much more of a political blogger.  I'd shouted at the Bush administration so often and so loudly that at one point it was suggested that I "not contact that asshat President Bush again."  We were gong back over some of my old posts from elsewhere, and came upon this ad that had many in an uproar.  Of course its so nice to see that we've come so much further in our advertising premises...

Saturday, October 1, 2005

Magazine ad "unleashes hell" for Boeing and Bell

By Hal Bernton

Seattle Times staff reporter

COURTESY OF CAIR-NET.COM Officials for Boeing and Bell Helicopter said this magazine ad for the Osprey aircraft should never have been published. E-mail article Print view Search Most e-mailed Most read RSS

Boeing and its joint-venture partner Bell Helicopter apologized yesterday for a magazine ad published a month ago — and again this week by mistake — depicting U.S. Special Forces troops rappelling from an Osprey aircraft onto the roof of a mosque.

"It descends from the heavens. Ironically it unleashes hell," reads the ad, which ran this week in the National Journal and earlier in the Armed Forces Journal. The ad also stated: "Consider it a gift from above."

The ad appears at a time when the United States is trying to improve its image in the Muslim world and Boeing seeks to sell its airplanes to Islamic countries.

Boeing and Bell officials agreed that the ad — touting the capabilities of the vertical-lift Osprey aircraft — was ill-conceived and should never have been published.

"We consider the ad offensive, regret its publication and apologize to those who, like us, are dismayed with its contents," said Mary Foerster, a vice president of communication's for Boeing's military side.

Mike Cox, a Bell vice president, said the ad was developed by TM Advertising of Irving, Texas, and then initially released for publication by his company.

"The bottom line is that the [Bell] people who approved this didn't have authority to approve it," Cox said.

The company statements were released yesterday in response to an outcry from the Council on American-Islamic Relations, a Washington, D.C.-based Islamic civil-liberties group. The building depicted in the ad has an Arabic sign that translates as "Muhammad Mosque," according to the council.

The ad may deepen concern overseas that the war on extremists is a war on Islam, said Corey Saylor, the council's government-affairs director. "This can be used by the extremists to reinforce that — and we certainly don't want that," he said.

The ad image was spliced together by computer from various photographs. One picture was a shot of a Texas movie set, according to Cox. Another was a shot of Special Forces troops rappelling off a wall in California. "We didn't actually hover an Osprey over a mosque," Cox said.

The Osprey can take off and land like a helicopter but has greater range. It has had a lengthy and difficult development, with three fatal crashes, once prompting concerns that it would be abandoned. But Congress has approved some $19 billion in contracts. Boeing is responsible for elements including the fuselage and digital avionics, while Bell is responsible for the wing, transmissions, rotor systems and engine installation.

Bell's Cox said his company asked the TM ad agency to come up with an ad depicting the Osprey inserting soldiers into a restrictive, difficult-to-access area.

TM officials yesterday declined to comment on their ad.

Someone at Bell then gave approval to run the ad, according to Cox. It was first published about a month ago in the Armed Forces Journal, which has an audience that includes Pentagon officials and contractors.

As soon as it was published, Boeing officials — alerted of trouble by their own advertising agency — telephoned Bell officials to express their distaste for the ad, according to Walt Rice, a Boeing spokesman.

By then, five or six placements for the ad had already been booked in other magazines, Cox said. The ad was canceled in all of those publications, including the National Journal, which circulates widely in Congress and among Washington lobbyists.

But due to an error, the National Journal mistakenly published the ad this week.

"We had received specific direction from the agency representing Boeing/Bell to not run the ad," said Elizabeth Baker Keffer, executive vice president of National Journal, in a statement released yesterday to the American-Islamic council. "While the mistake was a simple human one, we accept full responsibility for the error. Moreover, we regret any negative impact on your organization and its members."

The prompt damage control should help contain the public-relations fallout for Boeing and Bell, said Richard Aboulafia, an aviation and military analyst for the Teal Group of Fairfax, Va. Still, it amounts to a black eye.

"You can explain this," Aboulafia said. "But people see what they want to see."

Hal Bernton: 206-464-2581 or hbernton@seattletimes.com

Copyright © 2005 The Seattle Times Company

Harley Gal and the Redheaded Tart

Once upon a time I lived with a roommate, a roommate who's ability to be obnoxious was only outdone by his ability to be a sneaky little punk.  Time past on as time always does and life began anew. A change of scenery, outlook, and pace became a welcomed blessing. Along the way there arrived a handful of supportive and simply amazing people. Men with backbone, character, and compassion. Women with chutzpah, passion, and drive! I am in awe of these amazing people whom have chosen to call me friend.

Today I had the pleasure of once again riding with them.

Yeah well, it's worthy

someday
my prince will come....

And I will kick him in the balls. Demanding, "where have you been you late as hell sonofabitch?"


                                                       Fuck that I'll save myself.

Is this the downhill part?

Hello?

Hi, yeah I'm the guy of that crazy lady next door to you, who does the yard work for her.

Right.

Yeah, umm, well she doesn't need any work done this weekend.

Okay then. Thanks for letting me know?

Yeah, well, anyways, this is kind of sad weird, so bear with me here. I just had a talk with her a few minutes ago and she's kind-hearted, if a bit off, but really would like for you to go on a date with a penis- a man. And you know since I am one, and basically free this weekend. She says that you're kind of a creature of the night who never leaves her house, we were thinking you were the poor unlucky gal who gets to go out with me! Basically because I am the only glimpse of testosterone you get on any sort of regular basis. So I was thinking that because your crazy neighbor lady for some reason thinks I am desperate now, and because you are in need of a good dinner, you might like me to come pick you up and take you out, spend a good deal of money, and when we get back maybe if you put out I could propose marriage to you. Cause, that would be great! But please don't take any of it seriously because the truth is I just want your neighbor to be happy and to back off you and I a bit. And hey, I'd just really love to have a big, gorgeous plate of food that doesn't come prepackaged and doesn't smell even slightly bad. So ...


I might have paraphrased a bit.

I personally, would love to give them all flying elbow drops

The lady who hit and drove my car through the barrier on the bridge over I35 so many years ago was sentenced to two years driving suspension. I'm not sure what she actually served but I'm not sure it was enough time for the hell it's put others through. And yeah there's the confusion ok...memory loss I got nailed with. Woopie! Good times tell ya. Then there was the guy 10 years later that was high and drunk off his ass that plowed into me, causing yet more head trauma. He got 5 years, but only served 6 months. A few months after his release, he was out on the road again, high as fuck once more. Hey at least no added memory loss, can one lose their memory more than once? Who the fuck knows. I did get the parting gift of increased seizure activity. Absence seizures, fun little buggers they are.

I don't know what the solution is. I'm not sure there even is one. But I'm having a hard time buying that these judges are giving them probation 60% of the time because they don't care or because they have a fondness in their hearts for drunk drivers. I happen to know a few judges and know how deeply they do care. How frustrated they are with people, laws, humanity. I know when you experience any sort of tragedy, you need something or someone to blame. It's a temporary distraction from the pain and frustration surrounding you like a heavy wet blanket. But really if people are basically self serving and selfish as they present themselves to be, they are going to drink and drive in much the same manner. The reality is, unfortunately, it is not within a judge's power to hold the offender in a headlock, or give them a few light slams.

I was a pirate queen!

All my crew lay dead and dying.  Surveying the mass casualties before me, our battle had been hard fought but we'd been victorious! Or I had been victorious and they were simply cannon fodder. So I set out on my own, leaving her billowing sails behind. I had proved my notoriety to a ship and her crew, charmed her captain, climbed her mast and swung from her bow. I kissed the dark haired captain passionately even as the North winds mighty gale rose with anger, I saw cyclones, black in the sky, approaching and still I laughed.

Taking my hand the captain and I surged forth to ensconce ourselves within the safety of my own ship. The waves rose and beat against his proud vessel. Relentlessly rendering it nothing more than kindling. The rush of the wind, the spray of the angry see, and excitement of the battle caused me to laugh deeply. I laughed in sheer exhilaration gripping the captains hand tight to keep the dark water's foreboding at arms length.

We weathered the storm and near sunrise my own black ship, dropped sail and sailed on! We were bedraggled but alive, my arm around the dark haired captain's waist. Claiming all surviving crew as my own, I welcomed them to their new home. Then took the captain as my first mate and into my bed.


I woke longing for the life of a pirate queen's adventure I'd  never truly known, and wept for the crew I left behind.