I'm a ninja

"I'm a ninja", said the voice. I was sitting on the homemade bench under a 12' by 12' canopy in the sweltering heat. Team building exercises meant to be fun and help new comers learn tips and tricks from us seasoned teammates. There were three training stations going in the field; one for team member hoist and carry, one for doing a tandem dog wash, and lastly, a thunder jacket / harness simulation. There were 12 or more trainees milling about, and with only 3 spots to train on, it meant the remaining personnel were huddled around and in the meager shade offered by the canopy. 

"I've trained with nun-chucks, swords, bo staffs and the 3 piece staff", the voice continued. I had been staring at the ground, the cracks in the asphalt reminding oddly of the surface of Mars. The surface of Mars this wasn't, as Mars is very, very cold and it was, in fact, hotter than 40 rats fucking in a wool sock where I was. It suddenly and with much apprehension occurred to me that no one had acknowledged the voice and that did not bode well. It meant that it was entirely possible that when and if I looked up, I would see that the body to which the non-disembodied voice might belong might well be looking at me. I sighed, resigned myself to my fate, and looked up. 

I saw standing directly between me and the sun, a silhouette of a slender male figure. I squinted and looked at him closer and saw what can only be described as an Eminem clone, except dressed very poorly and shabbily. He also had dark brown hair. Ok, he didn't really look that much like Eminem after all, but his appearance made me think of Eminem, so I don't know. I noted that his shoes said "Etnies" on them, which I deduced must be a Latin term meaning "guy who is going to annoy you." The most remarkable thing about his appearance was the small, nerdy spectacles on his nose accompanied by the sunglasses on top of his head. That is an awful lot of eye wear for a head bearing only two eyes. 

I looked at him but did not respond because I had created the hope in my mind that he still might not actually be talking to me but actually might be talking to the voices in his head. Please god, let him be psychotic and delusional, I silently prayed. 

"You mean like the ninja turtles?" said a new voice, off to my right. I thanked the gods that someone nearby had heard his proclamations and simply could not resist inquiring. The new voice belonged to a light skinned black male wearing a white t-shirt that said something about music. Sensing interest being generated in his immediate vicinity, the owner of voice #1 whipped around and faced the owner of voice #2. 

"Yeah, kinda, but that ninja turtle stuff is bullshit. They have no clue how bad you can hurt yourself with that stuff" said the kinda-Eminem stunt double with an indignant air of authority. I could hear his sense of superiority growing. "Yeah, no kidding!" said voice #2. 

"I mean, you know, you need to be highly trained for that stuff. That is why I did it. It ain't no joke!" said voice #1 with clearly growing vim and vigor (yes, both). Voice #2 quickly and enthusiastically agreed that the ninja turtles probably did not treat the weaponry with the respect it clearly deserved. Those damned ninja turtles were a joke, they suspected. I imagine that they both secretly doubted the ninja turtles were even legitimate ninjas at all. 

I turned my head and looked back at the ground and suddenly wished I was on Mars, deathly cold or not. I thought long and hard about trying to explain to the two men that there was a considerable amount of evidence that would suggest that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were not actually real, and therefore what weapons they used, how they used them and whether or not they were proficient or serious enough about them may not really matter. It was not the first nor last time that I felt a deep sense of regret that I ever gave up drinking heavily. With any luck I'll have a massive seizure and be hauled bodily away from this train wreck of a conversation. 

I can only assume that both men will garner much knowledge and accolades from this training session with flying colors. Once the team leads and HR find out that they have genuine ninjas and ninja enthusiasts in their midst, what choice do they really have? I just can't help but wonder if he included "ninja training" on his resume. Sometimes I really wished I worked in Human Resources. 

I hope your day was better than mine.