In Dreams

I live rather close to a few church's. I love hearing the bell every toll each morning even though it finds me in my backyard drinking coffee instead of taking communion within it's chapel. Those days are long gone for me, but there are a few remnants of my time within such walls that will continue to make me smile.

I dreamed last night that I had built a rather substantial castle in my backyard. The sort that was both welcoming and one that just by glancing upon, knew it would stand the test of time. Exquisitely realistic, but on a slightly smaller scale. I was so proud of it that I invited all of my family and friends to come revel in it's magnificence. I decorated with palms, and greenery. One was a massive magnolia tree in an equally massive pot. All of my family came around and looked at it. I wanted to take them through. I wanted for them to be as excited as I was. My great aunt and grandmother looked at me and told me that they were too old to play in castles. How I wished in that moment I'd built a moat.

I woke up to the beginnings of a storm. One like we haven't had out this was for a few months. It was not the sort of rain storm that I like. It was hard hitting and short lived making everything wet and twice as sticky. I worried that it would wake the fur kids and that I'd never sleep again. It did cause them to stir a bit, but all soon quieted and they fell back asleep. Snoring and dreaming like they were having the best game of chase.

I laid in bed for a while longer encased in some sort of melancholy.  Rarely do I allow myself such frivolities, yet this morning I turned my face into the pillow because I at once felt my heart irreparably breaking. The pillow was cold and the bed felt incredibly empty. I realized what my dream had meant. What the words from my obnoxious great aunt and grandmother's mouth's had been. I also realized that regardless of how I feel about myself, that pride, and self empowerment/belief n myself that regardless of what I know to be true (little of it being expressed here or anywhere), that they will never get past the belief that I am damaged.

Long ago I had to come to the decision which I suppose was fated to come. It seems that I had been the last to know my heart is blind. That while no longer an innocent, those innocent dreams I had once cherished and held so dear had to be let go. I have decided not to listen to them anymore. Regardless as to their desire to aid me, their words and intentions hold little to no real barring in my life. My dreams will remain my own and I shall keep them as I keep my own counsel.


After all, placing one dreams in another's hands is a sure fire way to have them snuffed out.