Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Gross Alert
Just an FYI, when doing a great deal of energy work the results can be amazing. It can also mean that you find out that it is possible to crap your body weight in one sitting. Hey you were warned, this was going to be gross.
Monday, May 30, 2016
The Dutchman must always have a Captain!
So I think it's pretty well established that I have some unique dogs. Yes by unique I mean anti-social, animal hating man-eaters. Not really, but they are special cases I am working with. As such they do take up a great deal of my "non work hours". Well okay, so it's all constant work, home, away, with or without them. Mako has made great strides. There are more people that she's not only good with but loving towards. Yet she remains very picky in her people choosing and must always been met with respect and understanding.
This has been a yet another chink in my dating armor. Let's face facts, she is an acquired taste and the constant rules set around her and her behaviour can place great strain on a person not used to this life. As such as amiable as I can be, yes surprise, surprise, but I can be; if she isn't met with respect and thus turns on you; we will not be friends let alone dating. So a few weeks ago I tried a meet and greet over coffee. He seemed genuine and kind. He liked animals, wasn't looking for a hook-up, and was happy to meet and not carry on weeks upon weeks of texts. All good things in my book.
I told him about my in house and permanent resident rescue Mako. I didn't sugarcoat anything and even with being very blunt he wanted to meet her. He said he understood and stated "he was a total dog person". Ok cool. First hurdle done. Excellent! So I set the rules out and made sure her muzzle was on good and proper. It's a rule I have with any new meet and greet, as I do want everyone safe. Plus seeing as we were meeting for a coffee and a walk, Mako was likely to act silly if someone approached me or her without proper introduction. I am nothing if not always airing on the side of well placed caution with her and the general public.
Off we went. A few short minutes later we walked up to Mr.DogGuy. I smiled said hello,shook his hand. Mako had been quietly sniffing his leg but remained fairly intent on trying to stand between us. I corrected her behavior,having her sit stay next to me as we spoke. She was still a little tense for a proper greet. I was going to remind Mr. DogGuy of the no look, no talk to, no touching Mako rule. Before I could even utter the words No, he broke each one in one fell swoop!
Mr. DogGuy in his "dog guy" wisdom bent down grabbed her head on either side of her baskerville muzzle and ruffled her fur with a "Hi pup!" all up in her face in an excited state. Just as quick as a viper strike she slammed him in the face with her baskerville muzzle and broke his nose just as quickly. GAME ON! Now she was not only in an equally excited state but she was angry and he was at her level. Did I mention...GAME FUCKING ON! I lifted up and over with her just as one with with a dog attack so as to not be another aggressor and hauled her back to my side. She continued to growl low as a handful of people turned to see me shaking my head in disgust.
One man approached slowly palms open and at an angle. A true dog guy. Mako wasn't happy about the approach but he respected her space and didn't engage her. He held my eyes and asked calmly, "Are you okay ma'am?" I think I sounded more tired than angry when I responded "I am fine, annoyed but fine. I simply forgot how stupid people are and how they endanger everyone when they don't listen." That answer seemed to answer all his questions. He nodded and smiled a little sadly as he added, "she looks young...and really quick for a big girl!" I couldn't help myself, I laughed. "That she is, and when respected she's a total mushy girl," I added while staring down at her.
Needless to say the meet and greet portion of the date was quickly over. Mako and I went home for ice cream and played with her brother Monster. Monster being the 5 pound chihuahua, the only dog she likes. Surrounded by love and understanding and people she actually likes. It's not perfect but it is family and home as it suits us just fine.
This has been a yet another chink in my dating armor. Let's face facts, she is an acquired taste and the constant rules set around her and her behaviour can place great strain on a person not used to this life. As such as amiable as I can be, yes surprise, surprise, but I can be; if she isn't met with respect and thus turns on you; we will not be friends let alone dating. So a few weeks ago I tried a meet and greet over coffee. He seemed genuine and kind. He liked animals, wasn't looking for a hook-up, and was happy to meet and not carry on weeks upon weeks of texts. All good things in my book.
I told him about my in house and permanent resident rescue Mako. I didn't sugarcoat anything and even with being very blunt he wanted to meet her. He said he understood and stated "he was a total dog person". Ok cool. First hurdle done. Excellent! So I set the rules out and made sure her muzzle was on good and proper. It's a rule I have with any new meet and greet, as I do want everyone safe. Plus seeing as we were meeting for a coffee and a walk, Mako was likely to act silly if someone approached me or her without proper introduction. I am nothing if not always airing on the side of well placed caution with her and the general public.
Off we went. A few short minutes later we walked up to Mr.DogGuy. I smiled said hello,shook his hand. Mako had been quietly sniffing his leg but remained fairly intent on trying to stand between us. I corrected her behavior,having her sit stay next to me as we spoke. She was still a little tense for a proper greet. I was going to remind Mr. DogGuy of the no look, no talk to, no touching Mako rule. Before I could even utter the words No, he broke each one in one fell swoop!
Mr. DogGuy in his "dog guy" wisdom bent down grabbed her head on either side of her baskerville muzzle and ruffled her fur with a "Hi pup!" all up in her face in an excited state. Just as quick as a viper strike she slammed him in the face with her baskerville muzzle and broke his nose just as quickly. GAME ON! Now she was not only in an equally excited state but she was angry and he was at her level. Did I mention...GAME FUCKING ON! I lifted up and over with her just as one with with a dog attack so as to not be another aggressor and hauled her back to my side. She continued to growl low as a handful of people turned to see me shaking my head in disgust.
One man approached slowly palms open and at an angle. A true dog guy. Mako wasn't happy about the approach but he respected her space and didn't engage her. He held my eyes and asked calmly, "Are you okay ma'am?" I think I sounded more tired than angry when I responded "I am fine, annoyed but fine. I simply forgot how stupid people are and how they endanger everyone when they don't listen." That answer seemed to answer all his questions. He nodded and smiled a little sadly as he added, "she looks young...and really quick for a big girl!" I couldn't help myself, I laughed. "That she is, and when respected she's a total mushy girl," I added while staring down at her.
Needless to say the meet and greet portion of the date was quickly over. Mako and I went home for ice cream and played with her brother Monster. Monster being the 5 pound chihuahua, the only dog she likes. Surrounded by love and understanding and people she actually likes. It's not perfect but it is family and home as it suits us just fine.
The King and his men
stole the queen from her bed,
and bound her in her bones.
The seas be ours, and by the powers;
where we will, we'll roam.
Yo ho, all hands,
hoist the colors high.
Heave ho, thieves and beggars;
never shall we die.
Some men have died and some are alive
and others sail on the sea.
With the keys to the cage
and the devil to pay,
we lay to the fiddler's green.
Yo ho haul together,
hoist the colors high.
Heave ho, thieves and beggars;
never shall we die.
The bell has been raised
from its watery grave,
hear its sepulchral tone.
A call to all; pay heed the squall,
and turn your sails to home.
Yo ho, haul together,
hoist the colors high.
Heave ho, thieves and beggars;
never shall we die.
The king and his men
stole the queen from her bed,
and bound her in her bones.
The seas be ours, and by the powers;
where we will; we'll roam.
-Hoist the Colors
Sunday, May 29, 2016
I'll Never Tell
I have a seat. Stroller positioned in front of me. Baby crying inside. I look up and see some broad smiling at me. Must be the baby. I smile back. I go to pick up the crying baby and comfort him. I look back at the broad. She's still smiling. I bury my head in the overly fucking pink floral diaper bag.
Broad: you had a baby!
I bring my head back up. She is walking towards me. I can't remember which pocket in this hell hole of a bag that I put the bear spray in just to assure the actual parents of the child he'd be safe in my care. Then my wonky memory starts doing the journal entry rolodex spin. Oh. Hmm. Wait. I know this woman. I think.
Broad: How are you Jade?
Oh she's calling me Jade, not that other name I only go by for work purposes. But I'm still drawing a blank. Okay, I know her I think. Still even with the name calling she must be from the pre-Jade memory loss age. Making her someone I knew before the age of 20.
Jade: I am good.
Broad: Oh, you had a boy! (Well yeah, and some others but this isn't one of them but I couldn't be arsed so I let her ramble) I have two boys! One is four, the other is eleven months!...I've also got ....
Jade: Oh, wow! Yeah, this is Caleb, he's almost one.
Broad: He is! Can I hold him?
Jade: Sure! (Okay, I don't know who she is, lets not share this with the parents.)
Broad: So how is your mom and sisters? Is your mom still doing hair?
Okay, she knows my mom, and my sisters which is always a bad sign. Which could possibly mean if I don't do and say that right things from this point on I could be lectured on facebook about how I never call, write, acknowledge my family, dress appropriately, don't have a man, and about how I was rude to some lady's daughter. And the whole thing will likely end in my stabbing myself in the face with something super duper sharp. I should have blocked them all years ago. It's not like I actually remember them! Oh I'm staring off into space again aren't I? Answer her dumb dumb....
Jade: She is good. Old. Retired. Living in Mexico and Ontario. Sisters are good, (I think) all kinda married and having babies. (at least that's what I've read on facebook!) Oh wait the broad is talking again. Gotta keep up and focus.
Broad: Oh wow, that's cool, my mom still lives here, but I don't see her much.
Wait. Oh, okay. I totally know who this is.
Broad: I'm living out in Wawa now.
Jade: Really? On base?. ...
Broad: Sorta moved out there for a guy...(well you're a silly one aren't ya?) When was he born?
Jade: November twenty eighth.
Broad: Right after your birthday! (This broad remembers my birthday? For the love a god why?)
Jade: No, wait, he was born the twenty ninth .
Broad: He's so big! How big was he when he was born?
Jade: 9 lbs 2 oz (I'm just guessing cause he really is big for his age)
Okay I'm back to not knowing, although she reminds me of someone. She is probably reminding me of herself. Or maybe I've hit my head again and I've just been talking to some imaginary person while people pass us by and think I'm full on cray-cray. What? It could happen. She looks real though, and oops nope she IS real. She just spit on me while talking about how she wants a tummy tuck since having kids.
Broad: I can't believe I ran into you here. Do you live back here now? I heard you moved to Tejas and then moved around the South quite a bit! I also heard you married yourself a cowboy with a gun and a badge. (She's smiling kinda maniacally)
Jade: Yeah... I was bored one day. Seemed a good idea. There was coffee, and a fish fry...
She's looking at me funny. I know, I live life rather shamelessly and open, but why do all these people I don't remember seem to know my migratory and mating habits? Can we start with that? I mean sure its not some big secret but who's the hoe-bag with the big mouth? Maybe I'll remember this one when I run into her at the vagina doctor thirty years from now.
Broad: I'm married now. The same guy from high school.
Jade: oh yeah? (Like it makes any difference. I don't know who she is so this ain't helping me..wait!)
Okay, high school. High school. In high school. The school bus ... Too many people. High school. Testing. Cheerleading, pep rallies, student counsel...
Broad: I'm not "Johnson" anymore!
Johnson! HAHAHA She's not a dick anymore...no no no...focus woman! Okay. High school. Standardized testing. J people. Jennifer! JenniferDick! Johnson!
Jade: I can't believe it! You look almost the same! Does... he? (Who the fuck was she dating? What was his name again?)
Jennifer: Dennis!
Jade: Yes, right! Dennis! ... Oh my god you have babies!!
Jennifer: I know!!! I have two!! So is your husband here too? I'd love to meet him!
Jade: Well good on ya girl!! And umm no, he's not here. He's in Tejas. (Mentally flipping through my journals actually trying to remember her and Dennis. Did they even garner an entry?)
Jennifer: Oh, He didn't move back here with you? I didn't hear about you getting divorced?
Jade: Yeah, um I didn't, I don't think.... He's good! (I've no earthly clue, though he tried friending me on facebook before I blocked him rather rapidly)
Jennifer: Is he going to be moving here?
Jade: Oh, no. (No if I can help it)
Jennifer: Wow.... Okay ...
She's feeling awkward. And now I'm smiling cause I'm mean like that. Welcome to my daily life Jennifer, where not understanding and not knowing shit is all too real. I'm suddenly glad to have been a journaling pack rat and digital magpie able to memorize memories from before the accident. People try to drag me down memory lane all the fucking time and I've gotten good at steering the conversation so that they relive it all and fill in all the gaps. It's a well honed gift, its also very tiring. Albeit funny and sometimes disturbing to hear about the wild shit I did.
Jade: No it's okay you know. I mean, you aren't surprised are you?
Jennifer: What do you mean?
Jade: Well, you've known me since we were like.....
Jennifer: Thirteen! Wow how time flies. So yeah ... you we're never really big on marriage...
Jade: Nope... but hey you have babies!!!
Jennifer: I know!! I'm so old!!
Jade: We're so old!!
Jennifer: I don't know you still look so young!!
My phone starts going off with that loud wolf whistle, jarring me back to a reality I can handle.
Jennifer asks for my number, I don't ask for hers.
Jennifer: I'll call you tomorrow!
Jade: Okay then....never gonna happen
Jennifer: See you later!
Jade: Have a good one ... Hey Jennifer
Jennifer: Yeah?
Jade: I'm sorry to have heard about your brother.
Jennifer: It's umm...okay Jade. He'd be pleased you remembered him.
Well she may have not gotten an actual entry in my journal but her brother sure did. He had a gift worth remembering. Too bad he's dead. And journaling saves my life once more.
Broad: you had a baby!
I bring my head back up. She is walking towards me. I can't remember which pocket in this hell hole of a bag that I put the bear spray in just to assure the actual parents of the child he'd be safe in my care. Then my wonky memory starts doing the journal entry rolodex spin. Oh. Hmm. Wait. I know this woman. I think.
Broad: How are you Jade?
Oh she's calling me Jade, not that other name I only go by for work purposes. But I'm still drawing a blank. Okay, I know her I think. Still even with the name calling she must be from the pre-Jade memory loss age. Making her someone I knew before the age of 20.
Jade: I am good.
Broad: Oh, you had a boy! (Well yeah, and some others but this isn't one of them but I couldn't be arsed so I let her ramble) I have two boys! One is four, the other is eleven months!...I've also got ....
Jade: Oh, wow! Yeah, this is Caleb, he's almost one.
Broad: He is! Can I hold him?
Jade: Sure! (Okay, I don't know who she is, lets not share this with the parents.)
Broad: So how is your mom and sisters? Is your mom still doing hair?
Okay, she knows my mom, and my sisters which is always a bad sign. Which could possibly mean if I don't do and say that right things from this point on I could be lectured on facebook about how I never call, write, acknowledge my family, dress appropriately, don't have a man, and about how I was rude to some lady's daughter. And the whole thing will likely end in my stabbing myself in the face with something super duper sharp. I should have blocked them all years ago. It's not like I actually remember them! Oh I'm staring off into space again aren't I? Answer her dumb dumb....
Jade: She is good. Old. Retired. Living in Mexico and Ontario. Sisters are good, (I think) all kinda married and having babies. (at least that's what I've read on facebook!) Oh wait the broad is talking again. Gotta keep up and focus.
Broad: Oh wow, that's cool, my mom still lives here, but I don't see her much.
Wait. Oh, okay. I totally know who this is.
Broad: I'm living out in Wawa now.
Jade: Really? On base?. ...
Broad: Sorta moved out there for a guy...(well you're a silly one aren't ya?) When was he born?
Jade: November twenty eighth.
Broad: Right after your birthday! (This broad remembers my birthday? For the love a god why?)
Jade: No, wait, he was born the twenty ninth .
Broad: He's so big! How big was he when he was born?
Jade: 9 lbs 2 oz (I'm just guessing cause he really is big for his age)
Okay I'm back to not knowing, although she reminds me of someone. She is probably reminding me of herself. Or maybe I've hit my head again and I've just been talking to some imaginary person while people pass us by and think I'm full on cray-cray. What? It could happen. She looks real though, and oops nope she IS real. She just spit on me while talking about how she wants a tummy tuck since having kids.
Broad: I can't believe I ran into you here. Do you live back here now? I heard you moved to Tejas and then moved around the South quite a bit! I also heard you married yourself a cowboy with a gun and a badge. (She's smiling kinda maniacally)
Jade: Yeah... I was bored one day. Seemed a good idea. There was coffee, and a fish fry...
She's looking at me funny. I know, I live life rather shamelessly and open, but why do all these people I don't remember seem to know my migratory and mating habits? Can we start with that? I mean sure its not some big secret but who's the hoe-bag with the big mouth? Maybe I'll remember this one when I run into her at the vagina doctor thirty years from now.
Broad: I'm married now. The same guy from high school.
Jade: oh yeah? (Like it makes any difference. I don't know who she is so this ain't helping me..wait!)
Okay, high school. High school. In high school. The school bus ... Too many people. High school. Testing. Cheerleading, pep rallies, student counsel...
Broad: I'm not "Johnson" anymore!
Johnson! HAHAHA She's not a dick anymore...no no no...focus woman! Okay. High school. Standardized testing. J people. Jennifer! Jennifer
Jade: I can't believe it! You look almost the same! Does... he? (Who the fuck was she dating? What was his name again?)
Jennifer: Dennis!
Jade: Yes, right! Dennis! ... Oh my god you have babies!!
Jennifer: I know!!! I have two!! So is your husband here too? I'd love to meet him!
Jade: Well good on ya girl!! And umm no, he's not here. He's in Tejas. (Mentally flipping through my journals actually trying to remember her and Dennis. Did they even garner an entry?)
Jennifer: Oh, He didn't move back here with you? I didn't hear about you getting divorced?
Jade: Yeah, um I didn't, I don't think.... He's good! (I've no earthly clue, though he tried friending me on facebook before I blocked him rather rapidly)
Jennifer: Is he going to be moving here?
Jade: Oh, no. (No if I can help it)
Jennifer: Wow.... Okay ...
She's feeling awkward. And now I'm smiling cause I'm mean like that. Welcome to my daily life Jennifer, where not understanding and not knowing shit is all too real. I'm suddenly glad to have been a journaling pack rat and digital magpie able to memorize memories from before the accident. People try to drag me down memory lane all the fucking time and I've gotten good at steering the conversation so that they relive it all and fill in all the gaps. It's a well honed gift, its also very tiring. Albeit funny and sometimes disturbing to hear about the wild shit I did.
Jade: No it's okay you know. I mean, you aren't surprised are you?
Jennifer: What do you mean?
Jade: Well, you've known me since we were like.....
Jennifer: Thirteen! Wow how time flies. So yeah ... you we're never really big on marriage...
Jade: Nope... but hey you have babies!!!
Jennifer: I know!! I'm so old!!
Jade: We're so old!!
Jennifer: I don't know you still look so young!!
My phone starts going off with that loud wolf whistle, jarring me back to a reality I can handle.
Jennifer asks for my number, I don't ask for hers.
Jennifer: I'll call you tomorrow!
Jade: Okay then....
Jennifer: See you later!
Jade: Have a good one ... Hey Jennifer
Jennifer: Yeah?
Jade: I'm sorry to have heard about your brother.
Jennifer: It's umm...okay Jade. He'd be pleased you remembered him.
Well she may have not gotten an actual entry in my journal but her brother sure did. He had a gift worth remembering. Too bad he's dead. And journaling saves my life once more.
Saturday, May 28, 2016
Insecure Men Turn Me Off
We all have our insecurities, or at least moments of them. It is up to each of us to assess those thoughts and feelings and keep them in true perspective. My best advice is if you are feeling insecure within your relationship talk about it. Then accept that it is also up to you to correct not your partner. The one commonality I've found with highly insecure men that I've dealt with is:
1- They hate that I have other male friends. After all jealousy is insecurity.
2- When I have expressed my lacking in interest to dating their response has revolved around; how great they are, how much money they have, and how any other man I've ever been involved with was a bitch/gay/pussy/looser. I find this humorous as I genuinely like 99% of my ex's. They're good men, we just didn't work as a couple.
3- They want to go through my phone,or are annoyed that I have everything password protected.
4- The moment I stand up for myself and state "That will be more than enough of their behaviour" I am called a whore,a slut, a trick, or some variation of those.
I find it all, well if I am to be honest; equally sad as it is tiring. I can only imagine how stressful it must be in their muddled brains to navigate and communicate with healthy happy individuals. I have thankfully only ever dated one of these types of men and quickly learn to see the error of my ways. Those that I've come into contact with since, have been fantastic reminders that my self worth is far greater than their apparent good looks or charms.
I cannot dictate how others think, feel, or behave. I can however control how I do.
1- They hate that I have other male friends. After all jealousy is insecurity.
2- When I have expressed my lacking in interest to dating their response has revolved around; how great they are, how much money they have, and how any other man I've ever been involved with was a bitch/gay/pussy/looser. I find this humorous as I genuinely like 99% of my ex's. They're good men, we just didn't work as a couple.
3- They want to go through my phone,or are annoyed that I have everything password protected.
4- The moment I stand up for myself and state "That will be more than enough of their behaviour" I am called a whore,a slut, a trick, or some variation of those.
I find it all, well if I am to be honest; equally sad as it is tiring. I can only imagine how stressful it must be in their muddled brains to navigate and communicate with healthy happy individuals. I have thankfully only ever dated one of these types of men and quickly learn to see the error of my ways. Those that I've come into contact with since, have been fantastic reminders that my self worth is far greater than their apparent good looks or charms.
I cannot dictate how others think, feel, or behave. I can however control how I do.
Friday, May 27, 2016
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away
When I was born Nixon was president. I never met the man, probably had something to do with me being Canadian and just some normal farm kid. Though I bet if he'd met me his entire world would have changed for the better. I hear tell I was a really awesome baby. At least that's what was written in some book that never seemed to be completed.
The rest is history I suppose.
The rest is history I suppose.
Thursday, May 26, 2016
There and back again, not a hobbits tale
I sat smiling as my darling fairy godmother hemmed and hawed trying to figure out what is wrong with me. She takes being a fairy godmother to a whole new level. She desperatly wants me to set down roots and have a life here in beautiful Ontario. Well a life as she's see's it. She means well. Besides, I know what is wrong with me. Maybe what is wrong with me is that I know a little bit too much about what is wrong with me.
I can go way back to my first tastes of freedom. I can go way back and I can see how from the get go I always managed to make the decisions no one expected me too. I could glorify it and say I was and am a person who likes to take the road less traveled, but the truth is I often times just did my damnedest to avoid thee people all along the way, waving and pleading for me to go back.
I've never had to questioned my intentions or the goodness of my heart, because the two have always come together. I have never deliberately set out to sabotage my life or make other's lives any harder for them.
I've come to terms with the fact that I'm no psychic. I've also come to accept that I tend not to know what the hell I am doing until years later when I look back and see how far I've come. That from the time when I was twelve years old, to every choice I made along the way, brought me to the place that I am currently. I don't worry about so many of the little things that others worry about. Having all the latest gadgets, or that fully loaded luxury automobile means nothing to me.
Maybe you are one of those people who don't like your place, but find it livable. Maybe you wake up every day disappointed in yourself and the way things have turned out. Maybe you try to point the finger at everything from a supposedly benevolent God to an absentee father to shitty choices in mates to not starting those birth control pills sooner.
Admittedly I wish I had loved myself from the beginning. That at thirteen when I was searching for answers as to why thing were the way they were, I had loved myself enough to understand that it had nothing to do with me. I wish I had accepted myself the way I was instead of trying to fit into my mothers ideal of what beautiful was. I wish I had told her that her insecurities didn't have to be mine and that she could not recreate her youth through me. Like I said hindsight is a powerful thing, and it never seems to come before we are really ready to see it.
Somewhere along the road from there to here, I found that backbone of steel I didn't realize I had at the age of thirteen. I also found that voice I was supposed to keep shushed and let that little demon out to play for good.
I can go way back to my first tastes of freedom. I can go way back and I can see how from the get go I always managed to make the decisions no one expected me too. I could glorify it and say I was and am a person who likes to take the road less traveled, but the truth is I often times just did my damnedest to avoid thee people all along the way, waving and pleading for me to go back.
I've never had to questioned my intentions or the goodness of my heart, because the two have always come together. I have never deliberately set out to sabotage my life or make other's lives any harder for them.
I've come to terms with the fact that I'm no psychic. I've also come to accept that I tend not to know what the hell I am doing until years later when I look back and see how far I've come. That from the time when I was twelve years old, to every choice I made along the way, brought me to the place that I am currently. I don't worry about so many of the little things that others worry about. Having all the latest gadgets, or that fully loaded luxury automobile means nothing to me.
Maybe you are one of those people who don't like your place, but find it livable. Maybe you wake up every day disappointed in yourself and the way things have turned out. Maybe you try to point the finger at everything from a supposedly benevolent God to an absentee father to shitty choices in mates to not starting those birth control pills sooner.
Admittedly I wish I had loved myself from the beginning. That at thirteen when I was searching for answers as to why thing were the way they were, I had loved myself enough to understand that it had nothing to do with me. I wish I had accepted myself the way I was instead of trying to fit into my mothers ideal of what beautiful was. I wish I had told her that her insecurities didn't have to be mine and that she could not recreate her youth through me. Like I said hindsight is a powerful thing, and it never seems to come before we are really ready to see it.
Somewhere along the road from there to here, I found that backbone of steel I didn't realize I had at the age of thirteen. I also found that voice I was supposed to keep shushed and let that little demon out to play for good.
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
I long to be in New Orleans
All this quiet inside dancing off rivers running wild....
I do love the seasonal changes here in Ontario, but I must admit I miss the South. Our departure was a rather swift one and I've always felt like I left a piece of my soul there. Wrapped in beignets, fried catfish, mud bugs, crawfish and southern charm. How I long to stand upon one of those charming balconies or on the steeps of St. Anne's church just watching the people.
I do love the seasonal changes here in Ontario, but I must admit I miss the South. Our departure was a rather swift one and I've always felt like I left a piece of my soul there. Wrapped in beignets, fried catfish, mud bugs, crawfish and southern charm. How I long to stand upon one of those charming balconies or on the steeps of St. Anne's church just watching the people.
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
100 things about the Jade
1. First things first, I'm really kinda hot and I like cars presents.
2. I have three dress styles now. Work, sleep, & homeless apparel. I used to be a fashionista.
3. I often have a hard time taking things seriously. Like Donald Trump, or jail time.
4. I don't have a partner but I own enough men's boxer briefs and boxers that I should probably tell people I'm married.
5. You are my first. Really.
6. Never mind the kid behind the curtain, or the menagerie of animals. I found them all at a Kensington Market. Who doesn't love a sale?
7. Everyone likes telling me about their problems like I can fix them.
8. I've been on 3 dates in the last 6 months. My dog hated them all thus they aren't with us any longer....umm I mean here.
9. "Oh captain my captain!"
10. I had a crush on this guy until he started using the term "morals" a lot.
11. I watched a woman give birth at home one time. It was much cooler when I did.
12. I lived in Texas. I owned many guns. Ontario won't let me have one...something about not shooting people I feel deserve it.
13. My ex is one of my best friends. He's an amazing father...the government lets him have a gun. :/
14. I was never married to the father of my children.
15. My name means "Beautiful sassy bitch". Or something close.
16. I have a 10 yr old Betta fish. He's not as peppy as he once was.
17. Life is terribly beautiful.
18. I met Joseph 2 months ago and he is the most beautiful soul I've ever encountered that wasn't residing in one of my kids or a dog.
19. I woke up this morning rolled over took a sip of wine. I noted it was 4:30am thus ok.
20. I love talking to total strangers.
21. I don't like people as much as society thinks is normal. 90% of humanity...isn't.
22. At any given moment I am ready to grab my go-bag, dogs and just vanish.
23. I've worked more jobs than I can count. If I get bored or it stops being fun I have no problem quitting. I'm apparently ok with being poor.
24. I've only been fired once... after punching my boss in the throat.
25. I'm a very sensitive human being who likes to hide her sensitivity with a thick candy shell of hard ass!
26. I collect tickets. I should stop that.
27. I have a thing for Angelina Jolie. I'd like to show it to her some time.
28. One time I woke up in Buffalo.
29. I've been in two major car accidents that should have killed me. Neither were my fault so sayeth the law.
30. I love the ocean.
31. I am fairly certain I'll die single surrounded by dogs.
32. I'm not a Democrat! I'm an animal loving tree hugger.
33. I'm currently owed 248 spankings ... and that's just from Billy Graham.
34. All my exes live in Texas. Except for the one in Ontario and I think there is one in California ... Amsterdam... The People's Republic of China ...
35. I don't speak Spanish, but I know when you are calling me a stupid white bitch!
36. I fell asleep on Venice beach for 3 hours. I woke up to gunfire and a lovely riot.
37. I like that Puddle of Mud song.
38. I pay my rent by EMT...always a week early. It's important my dogs have a home.
39. I'm 43 years old.
40. Grandpa once told me I could do anything I want. Mom was pissed!
41. Sometimes when I walk, I hear,"The Bitch is Back".
42. I have absence seizures. Like 100 a day.
43. I protested outside of the Bush families Crawford ranch.
44. I drink more coffee daily then a small nation consumes.
45. I don't like indiscriminate sex.
46. I budget like it's the apocalypse.
47. In a zombie apocalypse my daughter and I will do just fine. The slow bitch two doors down...bwhahah we'll miss her.
48. I enjoy long walks through dark alleys in the 6.
49. I was a cheerleader. I didn't marry my high school sweetheart but we had kids out of wedlock.
50. Do you think I really need drugs?
51. I have owned nearly 1000 rodents in my lifetime...And then all the other ones that showed up just to party.
52. I have black brown eyes. Sometimes they are red in pictures. People say this is common when you have no soul.
53. I'm livin' in a box. But it's a box with running water.
54. tiān líng líng, dì líng líng.
55. I love to look at, but hate wearing high heels.
56. I work more than I sleep.
57. I've been single for almost 10 years
58. Bad girl, drunk by nine... amateur.
59. My mom said I'd blossom into a beautiful and successful preschool teacher. We're still waiting.
60. I'm the only redhead in my family.... yeah I *know*
61. I LOVE to drive. I must refrain from doing so thanks to these stupid seizures.
62. My ex husband said I reminded him of a combination of Annabeth Nass, Ouiser Boudreaux and Max from two broke girls. So basically he was calling me a sarcastic, gun happy, big breasted belle bitch. I was flattered! ROLL TIDE!
63. I know every exit that has a McDonald's between Texas and Toronto.
64. I love Stevie Ray Vaughan. I love Kenny Wayne Shepherd . I love Jimmy Buffett.
65. One time I pissed my dad off so much he told me I wasn't his daughter. I responded with, "Thank the gods!!" I was 14.
66. I'll be taking these tampons and whatever cash you got.
67. My mother is a shout talker. So I speak to her very quietly and in latin.
68. I love all animals, except cockroaches. I respect them, but really dislike them.
69. I drink more coffee than the people of Colombia.
70. You couldn't handle me.
71. The term "It is what it is" makes me want to fucking scream.
72. I myself am strange and unusual ... if I saw sheets with no feet and they turned out to be Geena Davis and Alec Baldwin, I'd scream Beetlejuice till we Shook it like Senora.
73. Mangoes are food from the gods.
74. If you are actually reading these, I'll tell you a secret in a minute.
75. My nails are green, sparkly, black, and white. I'm a trend setter.
76. A few of my toes are pink.... Hmm ... OH GOD NO.
77. At times my referrers make me want to poke out my eyes, with stuff like "old ladies having sex with black men", I feel like I can't possibly give this nitpicky public what it is that they want.
78. I want a ranch so Tieg and I can rescue and rehab dogs forever.
79. People tell me I scare them when I'm quiet.
80. I invented the pizza with dill pickles....yeah it didn't catch on
81. People either love me or hate me. For most its the latter.
82. I used to have really big hair and even bigger hats. Sometimes I miss it.
83. I have been waiting for a massage for over a year now.
84. The Secret is: I am still married I just have no clue where the hell he is, nor do I care.
85. Men love being forward with me. It's funner than bocci ball.
86. Since becoming a mother, I have found little use for cleavage glitter.
87. I hate bras but look ridiculous without one.
88. When we play cowboys and indians, I like to be GI Jade and I kill everyone.
89. If you find that offensive, know that I care little to nothing about what you think.
90. My purse weighs at least 20 pounds.
91. I love The Golden Girls. I aspire to be just like Sophia, without the dead bodies and Sicilian Curses.
92. Someone once told me I was the least judgemental person they'd ever met. I'm still giggling about that.
93. I have kept every journal I;ve written since grade school. They came in handy when I lost my memory after a car accident.
94. None of my family knows that I lost my memory. I haven't seen them in years.
95. When I came too after my accident the only people I remotely remembered were my kids. My husband was pissed!
96. One time I passed a burning compound in Waco. I wish I'd taken pictures.
97. I'm apparently older than I look.
98. Excuse me, I haven't had full nights sleep in a year.
99. I actually love my kids more than anything, including animals. Don't tell anyone though.
100. If my dog doesn't like you we'll never work.
2. I have three dress styles now. Work, sleep, & homeless apparel. I used to be a fashionista.
3. I often have a hard time taking things seriously. Like Donald Trump, or jail time.
4. I don't have a partner but I own enough men's boxer briefs and boxers that I should probably tell people I'm married.
5. You are my first. Really.
6. Never mind the kid behind the curtain, or the menagerie of animals. I found them all at a Kensington Market. Who doesn't love a sale?
7. Everyone likes telling me about their problems like I can fix them.
8. I've been on 3 dates in the last 6 months. My dog hated them all thus they aren't with us any longer....umm I mean here.
9. "Oh captain my captain!"
10. I had a crush on this guy until he started using the term "morals" a lot.
11. I watched a woman give birth at home one time. It was much cooler when I did.
12. I lived in Texas. I owned many guns. Ontario won't let me have one...something about not shooting people I feel deserve it.
13. My ex is one of my best friends. He's an amazing father...the government lets him have a gun. :/
14. I was never married to the father of my children.
15. My name means "Beautiful sassy bitch". Or something close.
16. I have a 10 yr old Betta fish. He's not as peppy as he once was.
17. Life is terribly beautiful.
18. I met Joseph 2 months ago and he is the most beautiful soul I've ever encountered that wasn't residing in one of my kids or a dog.
19. I woke up this morning rolled over took a sip of wine. I noted it was 4:30am thus ok.
20. I love talking to total strangers.
21. I don't like people as much as society thinks is normal. 90% of humanity...isn't.
22. At any given moment I am ready to grab my go-bag, dogs and just vanish.
23. I've worked more jobs than I can count. If I get bored or it stops being fun I have no problem quitting. I'm apparently ok with being poor.
24. I've only been fired once... after punching my boss in the throat.
25. I'm a very sensitive human being who likes to hide her sensitivity with a thick candy shell of hard ass!
26. I collect tickets. I should stop that.
27. I have a thing for Angelina Jolie. I'd like to show it to her some time.
28. One time I woke up in Buffalo.
29. I've been in two major car accidents that should have killed me. Neither were my fault so sayeth the law.
30. I love the ocean.
31. I am fairly certain I'll die single surrounded by dogs.
32. I'm not a Democrat! I'm an animal loving tree hugger.
33. I'm currently owed 248 spankings ... and that's just from Billy Graham.
34. All my exes live in Texas. Except for the one in Ontario and I think there is one in California ... Amsterdam... The People's Republic of China ...
35. I don't speak Spanish, but I know when you are calling me a stupid white bitch!
36. I fell asleep on Venice beach for 3 hours. I woke up to gunfire and a lovely riot.
37. I like that Puddle of Mud song.
38. I pay my rent by EMT...always a week early. It's important my dogs have a home.
39. I'm 43 years old.
40. Grandpa once told me I could do anything I want. Mom was pissed!
41. Sometimes when I walk, I hear,"The Bitch is Back".
42. I have absence seizures. Like 100 a day.
43. I protested outside of the Bush families Crawford ranch.
44. I drink more coffee daily then a small nation consumes.
45. I don't like indiscriminate sex.
46. I budget like it's the apocalypse.
47. In a zombie apocalypse my daughter and I will do just fine. The slow bitch two doors down...bwhahah we'll miss her.
48. I enjoy long walks through dark alleys in the 6.
49. I was a cheerleader. I didn't marry my high school sweetheart but we had kids out of wedlock.
50. Do you think I really need drugs?
51. I have owned nearly 1000 rodents in my lifetime...And then all the other ones that showed up just to party.
52. I have black brown eyes. Sometimes they are red in pictures. People say this is common when you have no soul.
53. I'm livin' in a box. But it's a box with running water.
54. tiān líng líng, dì líng líng.
55. I love to look at, but hate wearing high heels.
56. I work more than I sleep.
57. I've been single for almost 10 years
58. Bad girl, drunk by nine... amateur.
59. My mom said I'd blossom into a beautiful and successful preschool teacher. We're still waiting.
60. I'm the only redhead in my family.... yeah I *know*
61. I LOVE to drive. I must refrain from doing so thanks to these stupid seizures.
62. My ex husband said I reminded him of a combination of Annabeth Nass, Ouiser Boudreaux and Max from two broke girls. So basically he was calling me a sarcastic, gun happy, big breasted belle bitch. I was flattered! ROLL TIDE!
63. I know every exit that has a McDonald's between Texas and Toronto.
64. I love Stevie Ray Vaughan. I love Kenny Wayne Shepherd . I love Jimmy Buffett.
65. One time I pissed my dad off so much he told me I wasn't his daughter. I responded with, "Thank the gods!!" I was 14.
66. I'll be taking these tampons and whatever cash you got.
67. My mother is a shout talker. So I speak to her very quietly and in latin.
68. I love all animals, except cockroaches. I respect them, but really dislike them.
69. I drink more coffee than the people of Colombia.
70. You couldn't handle me.
71. The term "It is what it is" makes me want to fucking scream.
72. I myself am strange and unusual ... if I saw sheets with no feet and they turned out to be Geena Davis and Alec Baldwin, I'd scream Beetlejuice till we Shook it like Senora.
73. Mangoes are food from the gods.
74. If you are actually reading these, I'll tell you a secret in a minute.
75. My nails are green, sparkly, black, and white. I'm a trend setter.
76. A few of my toes are pink.... Hmm ... OH GOD NO.
77. At times my referrers make me want to poke out my eyes, with stuff like "old ladies having sex with black men", I feel like I can't possibly give this nitpicky public what it is that they want.
78. I want a ranch so Tieg and I can rescue and rehab dogs forever.
79. People tell me I scare them when I'm quiet.
80. I invented the pizza with dill pickles....yeah it didn't catch on
81. People either love me or hate me. For most its the latter.
82. I used to have really big hair and even bigger hats. Sometimes I miss it.
83. I have been waiting for a massage for over a year now.
84. The Secret is: I am still married I just have no clue where the hell he is, nor do I care.
85. Men love being forward with me. It's funner than bocci ball.
86. Since becoming a mother, I have found little use for cleavage glitter.
87. I hate bras but look ridiculous without one.
88. When we play cowboys and indians, I like to be GI Jade and I kill everyone.
89. If you find that offensive, know that I care little to nothing about what you think.
90. My purse weighs at least 20 pounds.
91. I love The Golden Girls. I aspire to be just like Sophia, without the dead bodies and Sicilian Curses.
92. Someone once told me I was the least judgemental person they'd ever met. I'm still giggling about that.
93. I have kept every journal I;ve written since grade school. They came in handy when I lost my memory after a car accident.
94. None of my family knows that I lost my memory. I haven't seen them in years.
95. When I came too after my accident the only people I remotely remembered were my kids. My husband was pissed!
96. One time I passed a burning compound in Waco. I wish I'd taken pictures.
97. I'm apparently older than I look.
98. Excuse me, I haven't had full nights sleep in a year.
99. I actually love my kids more than anything, including animals. Don't tell anyone though.
100. If my dog doesn't like you we'll never work.
Monday, May 23, 2016
Knowledge is power.
Power sometimes hurts.
Alas, knowledge is power; even when the knowledge you gain isn't what you wanted to discover. I will admit that when I began my quest for Mako's story, not just the parts I knew but the time between. The months that I was denied her, no matter how desperately I pleaded the case she would be better off with me. That I could give her what she needed, love, structure, socialization, a home. In my search for answers I got more than I had bargained for. As is often is with the truth, it made me sad and it made me damn angry.
The truth however does aid me in understanding her driving force in certain situations. Like why does she seek out smaller animals? What created such a strong prey drive within her? And of course why is she always "in the zone" and territorial? Former neighbours have been very helpful and forthcoming in helping me help her. I am her 3rd owner it would seem. The 2nd owner was less than kind. Even less than her first. A failed forced breeding, was turned to conditioning on a treadmill, bite training, and heightened aggression. Aggression that was met with aggression to the point of finally backfiring and having her turn on her abuser. An abuser whom then demanded his money back angry that she "wasn't any good for anything." The only kind though I can remotely muster for him is "thankfully he didn't kill her."
There's a great deal I'd love to scream to the heavens, so angry that it ever came to that. Wishing and praying for karma to visit those before me in the most violent of manners. I fought for her daily. Wishing, praying, begging, and pleading for her to be with me. Why couldn't they accept that she would have been better with me from the start? Why do humans have to be so fucking wretchedly evil? To say I hate them doesn't even begin to touch upon the rage I house in that well compartmentalized section of my head and heart I never allow anyone into. It's an ugly place and not suited well for polite company at all.
Then I see her. See where she started, where she was, and where she is now. We've got years of work ahead of us. It won't be easy, but what of great value ever is? So we're going to live in the moment. The future will still be there tomorrow. The now is where we will be, moving forward together. Building trust, and embracing every good moment with a smile and positivity. I can offer her nothing less. She's earned it, and so much more. She isn't the dog she should be. She will never again be that pup in the picture. But then again she also isn't yet the dog she is going to be. I have faith in her. I will not give up on her. How could I? She's never once given up on me.
The support from our friends is immeasurable. Every positive thought, cheer, and especially those unflinching friends who meet her with nothing but love and acceptance. You give not just her hope for humankind, but me too.
Thank you.
Alas, knowledge is power; even when the knowledge you gain isn't what you wanted to discover. I will admit that when I began my quest for Mako's story, not just the parts I knew but the time between. The months that I was denied her, no matter how desperately I pleaded the case she would be better off with me. That I could give her what she needed, love, structure, socialization, a home. In my search for answers I got more than I had bargained for. As is often is with the truth, it made me sad and it made me damn angry.
The truth however does aid me in understanding her driving force in certain situations. Like why does she seek out smaller animals? What created such a strong prey drive within her? And of course why is she always "in the zone" and territorial? Former neighbours have been very helpful and forthcoming in helping me help her. I am her 3rd owner it would seem. The 2nd owner was less than kind. Even less than her first. A failed forced breeding, was turned to conditioning on a treadmill, bite training, and heightened aggression. Aggression that was met with aggression to the point of finally backfiring and having her turn on her abuser. An abuser whom then demanded his money back angry that she "wasn't any good for anything." The only kind though I can remotely muster for him is "thankfully he didn't kill her."
There's a great deal I'd love to scream to the heavens, so angry that it ever came to that. Wishing and praying for karma to visit those before me in the most violent of manners. I fought for her daily. Wishing, praying, begging, and pleading for her to be with me. Why couldn't they accept that she would have been better with me from the start? Why do humans have to be so fucking wretchedly evil? To say I hate them doesn't even begin to touch upon the rage I house in that well compartmentalized section of my head and heart I never allow anyone into. It's an ugly place and not suited well for polite company at all.
Then I see her. See where she started, where she was, and where she is now. We've got years of work ahead of us. It won't be easy, but what of great value ever is? So we're going to live in the moment. The future will still be there tomorrow. The now is where we will be, moving forward together. Building trust, and embracing every good moment with a smile and positivity. I can offer her nothing less. She's earned it, and so much more. She isn't the dog she should be. She will never again be that pup in the picture. But then again she also isn't yet the dog she is going to be. I have faith in her. I will not give up on her. How could I? She's never once given up on me.
The support from our friends is immeasurable. Every positive thought, cheer, and especially those unflinching friends who meet her with nothing but love and acceptance. You give not just her hope for humankind, but me too.
Thank you.
Friday, May 20, 2016
Forbidden Mourning
Isn't it amazing how so many people simply will not allow one to have any sadness or grief in their life? Perfectly understandable losses are to be tossed aside with a quip and a quote, and you'd better get over it quick! From simple vanity issues. Grief and frustration over the ravages of time, to the recently departed loved ones to a job, a house, a car, a boyfriend. The message is loud and clear. Get Over It!!
People's feelings and emotions often just don't work that way at all. Loss can actually get worse as time goes by; grief can spring up at the most unlikely times. Set off by a memory, a scent, a snippet of music. For that matter, almost anything can bring sadness right to the fore and there you are, trying to show everyone it hasn't, doesn't, never affected you any more, no way, no how.
Enough of that. Can you believe this is all coming from a quick glimpse in a mirror? A glimpse that stopped me dead in my tracks. A lovely black silk chemise still bunched around my shoulders, a grief, sadness, nay fury, at the tell-tale passage of time and baby-carrying on my once smooth, curved tummy? Does that strike one as the height of vanity? Well, it still makes me mad, still makes me grimace, even if there is very little to do about it.
Oh, well, later I will shake off this mood.
People's feelings and emotions often just don't work that way at all. Loss can actually get worse as time goes by; grief can spring up at the most unlikely times. Set off by a memory, a scent, a snippet of music. For that matter, almost anything can bring sadness right to the fore and there you are, trying to show everyone it hasn't, doesn't, never affected you any more, no way, no how.
Enough of that. Can you believe this is all coming from a quick glimpse in a mirror? A glimpse that stopped me dead in my tracks. A lovely black silk chemise still bunched around my shoulders, a grief, sadness, nay fury, at the tell-tale passage of time and baby-carrying on my once smooth, curved tummy? Does that strike one as the height of vanity? Well, it still makes me mad, still makes me grimace, even if there is very little to do about it.
Oh, well, later I will shake off this mood.
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Curtains Egads People Curtains!
Very, very early this morning, I awoke in that no-man's land of three a.m. The hour of the Wolf, as grandma would call it. Too early to actually drag myself up out of bed, much too close enough to my cruel wake-up hour to really relax into sleep 'cause that wicked demon of nightscapes would start whispering, "How much time do I have to fall back to sleep; has an hour, a minute, two or three passed already?" After a bit of conversation with this demon, I gave it up and arose amidst the tangle of comforter and sheets and pillows, nearly breaking my neck when I stepped on one particularly slippery decorative touch....arrgh. Wandering about like some lonesome ghost, I became aware of sounds, sounds that sounded very much like, well, someone having a rather intense physical encounter and I didn't think it sounded like a session with a rowing machine.
Noticing I had left my window wide open and as I adjusted the blinds, the louder and clearer the sounds became. Since it was fairly cool outside, I couldn't imagine any fair weather, thin-blooded natives having sex outside. Thus being the civically minded woman I am, I rushed out to the patio just to make sure it wasn't something, well, criminal. Now, the renters of many of the houses backing onto our lots are crazy. They seemed to have put all their money into their cars and extra large TV sets, yet completely negating some of the finishing touches homes require.
Since we are on that marvel ofmodern urban life with little to no lot lines, all of the opposings streets backyards are smack up against each other, separated by minimal lawns and chainlink fences. The bedroom window of the house backing onto our yard was lit up as if there was a party or something. Well, no party was taking place but something was going on in that room....backlit by bright light pouring through the curtainless room. Since I was in what passed for darkness here I quickly stepped back into the shadows. I debated quickly whether I should run back inside and not intrude any further on the couple's privacy.
I compromised and leaned against the cool bricks by my wide open window and closed my eyes. I didn't really wish to have the image of our unknown neighbours playing games burned on my retinas again. That's when I noticed the strains of music threaded through the primal, animal noises and gasps. It sounded very much like an old, VanHalen song, "Running with the Devil" and sure enough, the CD continued as the couple did. I got to feeling very strongly or perhaps just speculating, if this was music from someone's wild-n-crazy days, rich with memories and experiences of some long ago early summer evening, maybe of a senior year in high school?
Could the beginning of summer bring back memories and desires and escapades rising to the fore? Above the din and clamour and distraction of the commute, the bills, the weeds sprouting all over the lawn, that funny rattle in the car? As if I don't know anything 'bout that! Suddenly chilly and a little blue, I made my way back inside and closed the window. Standing next to my bed looking at the empty tousled sheets, I missed having someone to cuddle. I sleep so restlessly most of the time, due to being a vivid dreamer. The evil, cheerful, warning-red alarm-clock glared at me and I reached over and turned its blocky self towards the wall, wishing to smack it right out the window. There were the numbers blaring at me. 4:45a.m.! Less than a half hour to "get-up". Oh well, I was already awake anyway.
When was the last time I crept into the house almost at the crack of dawn, hair all tousled, make-up gone, and my panties/stockings shoved into my purse? When was the last time I dragged my trembling, exhausted, sweetly sweaty body into the shower to wash away all evidence of what I had been doing before I crept into the bed? Just how many pairs of panties did I "lose" by misplacing them or leaving them in his car or apartment or even a few times, his parents house?? I haven't lost any undies in a rather long time. I supposed that is both a blessing and a curse.
Noticing I had left my window wide open and as I adjusted the blinds, the louder and clearer the sounds became. Since it was fairly cool outside, I couldn't imagine any fair weather, thin-blooded natives having sex outside. Thus being the civically minded woman I am, I rushed out to the patio just to make sure it wasn't something, well, criminal. Now, the renters of many of the houses backing onto our lots are crazy. They seemed to have put all their money into their cars and extra large TV sets, yet completely negating some of the finishing touches homes require.
Since we are on that marvel of
I compromised and leaned against the cool bricks by my wide open window and closed my eyes. I didn't really wish to have the image of our unknown neighbours playing games burned on my retinas again. That's when I noticed the strains of music threaded through the primal, animal noises and gasps. It sounded very much like an old, VanHalen song, "Running with the Devil" and sure enough, the CD continued as the couple did. I got to feeling very strongly or perhaps just speculating, if this was music from someone's wild-n-crazy days, rich with memories and experiences of some long ago early summer evening, maybe of a senior year in high school?
Could the beginning of summer bring back memories and desires and escapades rising to the fore? Above the din and clamour and distraction of the commute, the bills, the weeds sprouting all over the lawn, that funny rattle in the car? As if I don't know anything 'bout that! Suddenly chilly and a little blue, I made my way back inside and closed the window. Standing next to my bed looking at the empty tousled sheets, I missed having someone to cuddle. I sleep so restlessly most of the time, due to being a vivid dreamer. The evil, cheerful, warning-red alarm-clock glared at me and I reached over and turned its blocky self towards the wall, wishing to smack it right out the window. There were the numbers blaring at me. 4:45a.m.! Less than a half hour to "get-up". Oh well, I was already awake anyway.
When was the last time I crept into the house almost at the crack of dawn, hair all tousled, make-up gone, and my panties/stockings shoved into my purse? When was the last time I dragged my trembling, exhausted, sweetly sweaty body into the shower to wash away all evidence of what I had been doing before I crept into the bed? Just how many pairs of panties did I "lose" by misplacing them or leaving them in his car or apartment or even a few times, his parents house?? I haven't lost any undies in a rather long time. I supposed that is both a blessing and a curse.
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
By candle light
I've always been completely candle-light crazy. As I sit here typing, I do so by candlelight....I even snapped off the lights yesterday afternoon to enjoy a rather late lunch, and wantonly used the last of those beautiful burgundy hand rolled beeswax candles to dine by....and what was the menu? Alas, nothing even gourmet or romantic, just plain ol' tea, honey and crumpets. It is so restful to dine by candlelight. The flickering light and shadows thrown about by that light lifts any ordinary moment to grander heights. Electric light is so harsh, even with pink bulbs and shaded lamps.
Monday, May 16, 2016
Can Jade get her groove back?
Last night my dreams were a trip down memory lane; so real and vivid, I actually woke up exhausted as if I had experienced it all again. These dreams brought it all back; the sharp piercing pain of first unrequited lust, dancing close in dark smoky rooms, the glorious summer evenings of years ago, the music and cars and the boys...oh the boys!
It is so funny, I see it rather clearly now. I enjoyed the boys at school some, but my tastes reached beyond my own town and out into the city. Dance halls and night clubs were my scene. The flirting a bit, the incredible conversations we had, and the laughter as music blared out the windows of cars under a deep midnight blue sky. I was a social butterfly, rather self absorbed and far less interested in any boy than I was in experiencing life.
And last night the lost years came back, in drifts of memory and impressions and feelings. I thought those feelings were so intense as a young girl, and they were. I wished at times for them to ease off, fade a bit or at least slow so that I may take them all in. They seemed to hit me at such random intervals that I'd get lost in it all. Now, at this wise,old, mature age.....I want them back in all their intensity, depth and fervor. I want those strong deep tremors to wash over my body again and feel the intensity of my convictions. That incredible sensitivity and awareness was actually wonderful, a gift and a treasure.
It is so funny, I see it rather clearly now. I enjoyed the boys at school some, but my tastes reached beyond my own town and out into the city. Dance halls and night clubs were my scene. The flirting a bit, the incredible conversations we had, and the laughter as music blared out the windows of cars under a deep midnight blue sky. I was a social butterfly, rather self absorbed and far less interested in any boy than I was in experiencing life.
And last night the lost years came back, in drifts of memory and impressions and feelings. I thought those feelings were so intense as a young girl, and they were. I wished at times for them to ease off, fade a bit or at least slow so that I may take them all in. They seemed to hit me at such random intervals that I'd get lost in it all. Now, at this wise,
Sunday, May 15, 2016
Love is a battfield
I live upon a battlefield. One force has a path all laid out for me, the other has totally different path for me with twists and turns and here I am. Battles raging all over my mind, body, and soul! If I still lived in the south someone strapping fine man would sweep in and whisk me away. Off into the sunset we'd ride... happily ever after. Alas I live in the real, self empowered world where I have to fix my own issues. Arg being a feminist blows sometimes.
Right now, I would love nothing more than to fill a bath to the brim with strawberry scented bubbles and then float away in bubbly bliss. Not jump out my clothes or strip practically and efficiently. There is something incredibly erotic and yielding 'bout carefully removing each article of clothing, folding and putting it aside, teasing a bit and showing off a touch, and blushing furiously the whole while. The build up of tension, the look in another's eyes, my increasing nervousness all contribute to seeing/experiencing a partner in a whole new way. The bits and pieces of everyday life, seeming to melt away leaving a sensual wake of pleasure and contentment. Alas I have a standup shower and no freaking one to even try to squeeze into it with.
Right now, I would love nothing more than to fill a bath to the brim with strawberry scented bubbles and then float away in bubbly bliss. Not jump out my clothes or strip practically and efficiently. There is something incredibly erotic and yielding 'bout carefully removing each article of clothing, folding and putting it aside, teasing a bit and showing off a touch, and blushing furiously the whole while. The build up of tension, the look in another's eyes, my increasing nervousness all contribute to seeing/experiencing a partner in a whole new way. The bits and pieces of everyday life, seeming to melt away leaving a sensual wake of pleasure and contentment. Alas I have a standup shower and no freaking one to even try to squeeze into it with.
Saturday, May 14, 2016
...Or are you just glad to see me?
That would be a gun in my pocket.
They tried to give me a pint of beer. I wasn't having it. So instead I had two doubles of sipping tequila. Craft beer is good, crappy beer is always bad. Especially combined with salmon.
Jade: Hmm ... is this seat heating my ass?
Stephan: Yes, yes it is.
Jade: Well alrighty then. I thought my ass seemed toasty. I'm just glad I'm not insane.
Stephan: Would you like me to turn it off?
Jade: Well it's not that I don't appreciate the gesture. It's just that it's like 30 degrees out and my ass is beginning to sweat.
Stephan: Oh yeah, kinda forgot that, I just remembered you are always cold.
Jade: Oh! Yeah, this is true most days. When the temperatures are you know cooler and not inducing Lady-ball sweat.
Stephan: *Laughing* I forgot how totally direct you are. It's refreshing, even if you're lady balls are sweaty.
Jade: Hmm ... is this seat vibrating?
Stephan: No.
Jade: Oh, must be the tequila. I like how this thing drives.
We went to his favourite spot in the middle of nowhere. Because I've known him a long time and even though I was stuffed and all fuzzy I knew he wasn't a serial killer or going to hit on me. I like when life is simple like that. Of course even with fuzzy brain I was worrying about the dogs and my girl. We did however find this amazing clearing in the woods and watch the stars.
They tried to give me a pint of beer. I wasn't having it. So instead I had two doubles of sipping tequila. Craft beer is good, crappy beer is always bad. Especially combined with salmon.
Jade: Hmm ... is this seat heating my ass?
Stephan: Yes, yes it is.
Jade: Well alrighty then. I thought my ass seemed toasty. I'm just glad I'm not insane.
Stephan: Would you like me to turn it off?
Jade: Well it's not that I don't appreciate the gesture. It's just that it's like 30 degrees out and my ass is beginning to sweat.
Stephan: Oh yeah, kinda forgot that, I just remembered you are always cold.
Jade: Oh! Yeah, this is true most days. When the temperatures are you know cooler and not inducing Lady-ball sweat.
Stephan: *Laughing* I forgot how totally direct you are. It's refreshing, even if you're lady balls are sweaty.
Jade: Hmm ... is this seat vibrating?
Stephan: No.
Jade: Oh, must be the tequila. I like how this thing drives.
We went to his favourite spot in the middle of nowhere. Because I've known him a long time and even though I was stuffed and all fuzzy I knew he wasn't a serial killer or going to hit on me. I like when life is simple like that. Of course even with fuzzy brain I was worrying about the dogs and my girl. We did however find this amazing clearing in the woods and watch the stars.
Friday, May 13, 2016
Word to your...Godmother
FairyGM: I wish I had been there for you. You went through a lot in a relatively short amount of time. I want to cry when I think of how badly he treated you.
Jade: Oh don't take that on, I am after all the architect of my own design. You had your own children and grandchildren to care for. Life isn't terrible, and all my failures have made me stronger.
FairyGM: You know you don't make it easy for people to take care of you. If you ever wish to remarry that will be a problem you'll have to correct.
Jade: Oh it can't be as bad as all that, men love a take charge woman who doesn't require them to save her. They find it helpful when their wives don't burden them with trivial things like feelings.
FairyGM: Gives me her best "you know this is why you're still single" look.
Jade: Fine, I'm open to the possibility of being...inaccurate. Alas I'm old and those interested in me are either far too young or looking for a mommy replacement. So I suppose, I'll just have lots of casual sex.
FairyGM: Chokes on her cup of tea and hits me in the forehead with a cookie.
Jade: Oh don't take that on, I am after all the architect of my own design. You had your own children and grandchildren to care for. Life isn't terrible, and all my failures have made me stronger.
FairyGM: You know you don't make it easy for people to take care of you. If you ever wish to remarry that will be a problem you'll have to correct.
Jade: Oh it can't be as bad as all that, men love a take charge woman who doesn't require them to save her. They find it helpful when their wives don't burden them with trivial things like feelings.
FairyGM: Gives me her best "you know this is why you're still single" look.
Jade: Fine, I'm open to the possibility of being...inaccurate. Alas I'm old and those interested in me are either far too young or looking for a mommy replacement. So I suppose, I'll just have lots of casual sex.
FairyGM: Chokes on her cup of tea and hits me in the forehead with a cookie.
Thursday, May 12, 2016
Behind the glossy
Apparently there is a serious shortage of clues going around the male dating population these days. So, get one while you can. I'm expecting a run on them at any time.
We all put our best face forward, we show other's the most positive aspects of ourselves until we trust them enough to begin revealing our faults and failures as well. Most people do anyhow. Men and women alike, none of us perfect as the glossy magazine cover image we initially offer. While some of us live and offer a more realistic view of ourselves, there are just as many if not more whom work just as hard to keep the illusion alive as long as humanly possible.
I admit that viewing the pretty, unmarred pictures are fun. I can appreciate them for what they are. A desire to be found pleasing, wanted, desired, loved. I however, find I appreciate further still those whom open up more. Offering a deeper glimpse into who they are, the lovely and ugly alike. I'll even admit that while annoying I do so appreciate those that show me the gruesome truth of their nature up front and open; like reading the last chapter of their lives first. I makes it that much easier to weed them out of my life ever so completely.
So to the assholes I've met and yet to meet along the way. Thank you for being yourself from the get go. You've made my choices that much easier.
We all put our best face forward, we show other's the most positive aspects of ourselves until we trust them enough to begin revealing our faults and failures as well. Most people do anyhow. Men and women alike, none of us perfect as the glossy magazine cover image we initially offer. While some of us live and offer a more realistic view of ourselves, there are just as many if not more whom work just as hard to keep the illusion alive as long as humanly possible.
I admit that viewing the pretty, unmarred pictures are fun. I can appreciate them for what they are. A desire to be found pleasing, wanted, desired, loved. I however, find I appreciate further still those whom open up more. Offering a deeper glimpse into who they are, the lovely and ugly alike. I'll even admit that while annoying I do so appreciate those that show me the gruesome truth of their nature up front and open; like reading the last chapter of their lives first. I makes it that much easier to weed them out of my life ever so completely.
So to the assholes I've met and yet to meet along the way. Thank you for being yourself from the get go. You've made my choices that much easier.
A Poison Tree
By William Blake
I was angry with my friend;
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.
And I waterd it in fears,
Night & morning with my tears:
And I sunned it with smiles,
And with soft deceitful wiles.
And it grew both day and night.
Till it bore an apple bright.
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine.
And into my garden stole,
When the night had veild the pole;
In the morning glad I see;
My foe outstretched beneath the tree.
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
Longing for waters
The beach makes everyone put their arms around each other’s waists. even the beaches with the icy cold sand in the middle of the night. you can’t help it. the wind tells you to do so. It seems a dogs age since I've stood before those vast waters and their ethereal grace. They soothe and cleanse, enliven and destroy with equal ease. My respect and love affair with large bodies of water began at a very early age, the joy and sheer freedom of just being as I floated, ran, sang, and danced through waves were a welcomed balm to any and all ailments. I would spend months surrounded by waters, when had to leave; a part of me remained swimming between distant shores and delving beneath their tranquil depths.
I am haunted by water.
I am haunted by water.
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Lone Rider
We've been friends a long time. A long time ago we were more. Occasionally we still are. He's stalwart and yet far to compassionate all at once. His unspoken need to "save" those around him, even when they've given no effort of their own to be saved has been his greatest accomplishment and downfall. At the end of the day the only peace he seems to find s on his bike. Riding alone through the twist and turns as though he can outrun those that will be waiting to ask his favour.
No matter how many times I've attempted to help him step back and take a breath before diving headlong into another one of his crusades, he slips through my fingers like smoke. Assuring me that he's fine. He can handle it all. And he does. Right up and until it all becomes too much for him to stand, and then he comes back, spends a night or two seeking solace in a place that no one knows about, with a woman he's come to call family. We sit in silence, laughter. Joke, and share thoughts, ideas, cares, successes, and secrets. We breathe life into the other until the next crusade comes calling.
No matter how many times I've attempted to help him step back and take a breath before diving headlong into another one of his crusades, he slips through my fingers like smoke. Assuring me that he's fine. He can handle it all. And he does. Right up and until it all becomes too much for him to stand, and then he comes back, spends a night or two seeking solace in a place that no one knows about, with a woman he's come to call family. We sit in silence, laughter. Joke, and share thoughts, ideas, cares, successes, and secrets. We breathe life into the other until the next crusade comes calling.
Monday, May 9, 2016
Lady Ego
Lady Ego began working for us about 4 days ago, and has since systematically driven each and every teammate to plot her demise. I have thus become the voice of reason. So you can now understand how terribly wrong things have obviously gone. Lady Ego, I am certain has many a great virtue. Making friends, and being team player is not one of them. She has shown through her words and actions that she believes her age should be respected and thus all knowledge she holds must also be law. She is the second we've found that paints on a mask while the boss is around but once gone, she feels she may do as she pleases everyone else be damned.
While there may very well be no I in team, there is a ME. My team knows very well the lengths I will go to protect them and their happy work environment. We are after all this time and combined experiences, one big oddly happy and completely dysfunctional family. A family that Lady Ego has decided to treat poorly, talk down too, and walk all over. It's going to stop with or without her cooperation.
I always protect my family.
While there may very well be no I in team, there is a ME. My team knows very well the lengths I will go to protect them and their happy work environment. We are after all this time and combined experiences, one big oddly happy and completely dysfunctional family. A family that Lady Ego has decided to treat poorly, talk down too, and walk all over. It's going to stop with or without her cooperation.
I always protect my family.
Sunday, May 8, 2016
Cowards
Things change. Daily. I believe many would just like the ride to stop, for a brief while if not come to a complete end. The ebb and flow of life demands change. Nature after all does abhor a vacuum. Most people downfall is refusing to change. Holding out hope beyond hope that it can all go back to exactly how it was. Before. Before the hurt. Before the pain. Before they we forced to face their own stifling weakness. A weakness born of fear, chosen ignorance, and greed. Staying exactly the same as they've always been for as long as possible the would be goal. Silence, stillness, unmoving, unbroken. To the masses it feel safer somehow. Their known and self imposed suffering is welcomed. The pain familiar. After all killing the light within is easier than fighting back the darkness without.
Saturday, May 7, 2016
Bleed into the cracks
I met Mr. X for dim sum today and talked about the last few months of goings-on. How can you sum up months in a few hours? I can tell you how. By dishing out red chili paste into small, white finger bowls and dipping dumplings by their corners into it, letting the red of it bleed into the cracks and letting the juices dilute it a bit.
Friday, May 6, 2016
Wanderlust
Going back there today just reminded me of being elsewhere. Where you are, and you, and you, and you. I can't let wanderlust keep my head in the clouds forever. This just isn't working. His head is spinning with the thought of me leaving and I can't help but think of not.
Sunday, May 1, 2016
Watching Change
Today I sat across from a man. A man who has inherited a responsibility he didn't ask for. He really isn't prepared for it. He sat on the other side of the table and tried to understand, tried to hold onto his place in the world. The spot he believes he has known, owned and understood. How hard it is to wrap your mind around change. To accept that what you thought you knew might not after all, be what you knew it to be.
Today I wanted to reach out to a man in need. I felt his pain because I caused it. But this is mine. I do know how to make a better place for those that are with me, counting on me and my compassion to give them a a moment of solace. It was hard to watch. I wanted to help him. For all I know how to do, the hardest thing for me to know and accept is that I can't help him. It isn't his fault he's never been prepared for the reality now before him. He doesn't know anything else. The last woman in my position treated him like a child. He was never made to grow up. But it isn't my fault that he's never been prepared for the world either. That was another series of unfortunate events that occurred long before I came along.
I watched him. I sat and watched him without a word. I could see the sense of victimization flit across his face. Then the internal accusation reach outward to me in his body language and the deep marring across his once likeable face. If only I would take back those words. Follow the path of all those women before me. Not question, or demand more. Keep doing it the way it's always been done. Then he wouldn't have to grow up. He wouldn't have to accept that responsibility he isn't ready for. Wouldn't have to reexamine hs choices. Look into the mirror and growl at the changes I imposed. Why can't I just keep it the way it's always been?
I sat and watched and waited wordlessly.
He finally reached for his stack of well arranged excuses he's carried with him as long as he can recall. Displaying them to me, showing me how it used to be, how it could be again and stood. Then I saw the final level of defeat. The small hope that maybe he could find someone who would make me accept that it had to keep being the way it has always been. I realized then that I wasn't watching change, I was watching failure.
So many things I could teach him. So many ways I could help him. Why didn't he listen to me when I told him? He came to play at life, I came for blood. Why is that so hard to believe? I don't have that pretty a face. Sooner or later the one behind him will inherit a mantle he isn't prepared for either. Then he too will sit across from me.
Like little domino's lining up one after the other, waiting for me to see reason. To accept their failure as mine. To bow to their chosen ignorance, and take the path always traveled. Firefly 5, culturally unprepared men, zero. Sooner or later, a man amongst them is going to reach out and stay my hand. I'm getting impatient expecting him.
For now, I keep waiting to watch change.
Today I wanted to reach out to a man in need. I felt his pain because I caused it. But this is mine. I do know how to make a better place for those that are with me, counting on me and my compassion to give them a a moment of solace. It was hard to watch. I wanted to help him. For all I know how to do, the hardest thing for me to know and accept is that I can't help him. It isn't his fault he's never been prepared for the reality now before him. He doesn't know anything else. The last woman in my position treated him like a child. He was never made to grow up. But it isn't my fault that he's never been prepared for the world either. That was another series of unfortunate events that occurred long before I came along.
I watched him. I sat and watched him without a word. I could see the sense of victimization flit across his face. Then the internal accusation reach outward to me in his body language and the deep marring across his once likeable face. If only I would take back those words. Follow the path of all those women before me. Not question, or demand more. Keep doing it the way it's always been done. Then he wouldn't have to grow up. He wouldn't have to accept that responsibility he isn't ready for. Wouldn't have to reexamine hs choices. Look into the mirror and growl at the changes I imposed. Why can't I just keep it the way it's always been?
I sat and watched and waited wordlessly.
He finally reached for his stack of well arranged excuses he's carried with him as long as he can recall. Displaying them to me, showing me how it used to be, how it could be again and stood. Then I saw the final level of defeat. The small hope that maybe he could find someone who would make me accept that it had to keep being the way it has always been. I realized then that I wasn't watching change, I was watching failure.
So many things I could teach him. So many ways I could help him. Why didn't he listen to me when I told him? He came to play at life, I came for blood. Why is that so hard to believe? I don't have that pretty a face. Sooner or later the one behind him will inherit a mantle he isn't prepared for either. Then he too will sit across from me.
Like little domino's lining up one after the other, waiting for me to see reason. To accept their failure as mine. To bow to their chosen ignorance, and take the path always traveled. Firefly 5, culturally unprepared men, zero. Sooner or later, a man amongst them is going to reach out and stay my hand. I'm getting impatient expecting him.
For now, I keep waiting to watch change.
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