Better, Faster, Stronger

I ask myself this question often, it has been more present these last few weeks.

How far would you go to protect something or someone important? What would you sacrifice, risk, and lose? But of even more significance to that mission; what would you achieve to ensure that all resources are available when needed?

My misguided view of necessity has led me to conflate this act of protection with complete loss.

Yes, we must ensure survival and remove all obstacles to our progress. And survival has one imperative: that we become stronger than whatever threatens us and that important something or someone.

Faith

It is in our human natures to become mislead - really all you can do is spread your own word and hope that you can influence even one person. There is an ultimate and profound understanding that we are all heading towards, but distractions and temptations can take up an entire lifetime. If you can help one person reject these distractions you have indeed lead a benevolent life and will be rewarded with eternal peace; I like to think. A hard realization in this material world we live in. Even the wisest man feels a sense of overall failure at times, either individually or on a global scale - but true wisdom comes with acceptance of harsh realities. As it once was, so forever it shall be, right? But if we all do our small part this may not be the actual case.

Faith. It's a beautiful thing.

I believe some have the ability to ask the right questions, but even fewer realize that sometimes there is simply no answer - and if an answer exists it is far in time from where we are now. Ask not what you can fix in your lifetime but what you contribute to future lives. The most benevolent men and women often don't receive recognition in their lives, only after. They realize this while alive and don't even want recognition - only to carry on with their purpose - greater than fortune or fame.

10 Commandments of Logic

Forward

Life is an arduous, uphill journey but at a certain point, the view becomes fantastic.

Got A Secret

Scientific documentation tells us that at any given time the average person is keping somewhere in the vicinity of 13 secrets.  13.  The weight of those secrets will of course be individual to all, however to the average person, the weight of even one or two secrets of tem times makes hills seem steeper, roads seem longer, and well open honest communication bringing forth actual connection damn near impossible.  

If we as collective humans are hiding so much, what does that in trn say about our commitment to honesty?  Authenticity? Transparency?  Not to mention what it says about our attitudes surrounding trust.  Seem's to me like a lot of effort without any reward or payout.  

I'll pass.   

Blind

The eyes, as it turns out, are almost useless when the mind is blind.

But its legal

So how long do you think it will be before Mandarin and other buffets have one of those "how high are you" pupil dilation charts that the police carry at the hostess stand?. "No sir, we cannot let you access the buffet, you are way too fucked up and will cost us too much in lemon chicken!". Hahahaha

Libertarian Dreams

Steven Pinker says it's no coincidence that there are zero libertarian countries on Earth; social spending is a shared value, even if the truest libertarians protest it, as the free market has no way to provide for poor children, the elderly, and other members of society who cannot contribute to the marketplace. As countries develop, they naturally initiate social spending programs. That's why libertarianism is a marginal idea, rather than a universal value—and it's likely to stay that way.


Now there is an argument that Pinker and his Brain consistently miss the mark on one major point that I think has already emerged as a power player, and will almost certainly play the bigger role en route to 2030.

The market does have solutions to providing for infants and the elderly and the impoverished, and they've been there since we had a heartbeat and a spare dollar. The market solution is affluence, and the vector is family, friends, and community.

I think many notable economists that would protest that state lead social care has not only directly nurtured dependency, but also indirectly curbed our instinctive care for those in our kin and care. The tribe has gotten a little bit social loafy. Responsibility is too diffuse when it comes to taking care of our communities.

Regardless, parents with money drive market solutions toward children with problems, and children with money drive market solutions to parents with little economic value. Their value, substantial savings and experience aside, is the concern they curate from their economically agile children; thus why we see billion dollar industries springing up to house, entertain, medicate, and pamper the [select] elderly.

Pinker seems to miss this point regularly, and it does seem to scale up to the global level. We've spent centuries stifling our quiet altruistic instincts because we loudly champion our much stronger judgmental instincts. We've shat on anybody who tried to turn a buck helping people over and over while taking for granted that exploitation was the road to riches.

We've perennially insisted that people should help each other because they're good and that anybody who does it for glory or gain is evil.

Well wouldn't you believe it we went a millennia building castles on corpses and churches on lies and New York City on exploitation, and the boldest and brighter of every graduating class at every ivy league school have been shuttled off to Coca Cola and IBM while Johnny Dreadlocks dropped our and went poor feeding starving children.

Where I'm going with this is that everything changed in the 20th century, and the changes caught fire in the 21st. Lucrative Benevolence (Bastien, 2007) has proven to be a global force for good, and with all the same stigma and misunderstanding we've ever had the market has barreled forward making people wealthy all over the world by helping the poor all over the world!

Our interconnected global market has rocket powered our interconnected global information system and the hive has spoken boldly in favour or rewarding those who solve their problems.

People are getting rich left and right providing cheap housing, cheap cars, cheap telecommunications, accessible health care, protection, entertainment, shoes, and even drinking water.

We're in the seminal phase of this shift, against all efforts, and as we catch on and redirect our best and brightest to benevolence, the wave will cascade and spread like malaria lol.

The way of the near future is everybody competing to most effectively help people because that's where the money is.

It's a beautiful future and the market is an ally!

Freewill

It is the expectation of reward for our natural behaviour, or the manifestation of our natural dispositions, that enslaves us to others. To change who you are, fundamentally, not because it makes you happy but to please another is abject servitude: submission of the highest kind. Yet, society and civilisation in general run on the principles (amongst others) of manipulation and seduction, under the illusion of "freewill".

To paraphrase a misunderstood and misrepresented master of human communication: let he, who is beyond influenced cast the first stone.


Can you see the method to this madness? It will be great.

Communication

The biggest drawback to our communication is that we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.

Music

Music turns us all into lovers or animals.

Sometimes both.

Choices

Today I have been unable to stop thinking about all the things that happen in people's lives; the million seemingly insignificant events; the "choices" that pull them together and later apart... the coincidences, the outside forces.

I know them and I understand them; I have been here before, many times before, and yet investigating them continues to appeal to me.

Carelessness is inherently human, and humans are so loud - they don't know when they are being watched - how could they possibly see what happens around them and to them? How could they see the million seemingly insignificant events that affect their lives so profoundly?

Task and Purpose

A task becomes a duty from the moment you suspect it to be an essential part of that integrity, which alone entitles a man to assume responsibility.

On the very short list of things that keep me up at night there is one question: is the human intellect sufficiently sophisticated to pose the questions it is powerful enough to answer?

Are we missing something? If the data required to perceive the mystery is missing, do we have a chance to discover the benefits (or apprehensively, its detriments) to our existence?

If the Great Filter can be applied to anything other than life elsewhere, is it possible that it's neither our answers nor our outcomes that are wrong, but that the arguments and questions we present about them that lack nobility and honesty?

And here, even here, where I surrender to my own doubts and insecurities, I worry that the questions I had hoped would lead me to find a semblance of moral and intellectual honesty are simply incomplete.

Whatsoever

Along with 'Antimatter' and 'Dark Matter' we've recently discovered the existence of "Doesn't Matter," which appears to have no effect on the universe whatsoever.

Do Better

How do we go from criticising the religious ideas of a culture to claiming that we should bomb them, or kill them all? Violence isn't the answer to any of our collective problems. We need to change the bad ideas with better, more attractive ones. We must empower education initiatives that attack the heart of the ideological frameworks promoting irreconcilable differences between human beings, religious or political. The aim is to change the way people think and feel about life and to make them more productive towards it; guns and drones cannot accomplish this.

Grindin'

I don’t believe in asking for permission for something that's my right and I’ve never been one to apologize for something I meant.  I refuse to hand over my power.  I look for the same in a partner.

I’ve also always loved em a little on the dominant side with a bit of attitude.  Someone who can hold their own; step up, boss up and make their voice heard.  We're tired AS FUCK around here, but we have goals.  We have drive, and we're going to make that money.  We have ambitions cause I’m not trying to live in poverty.

Spring to Life

I've never understood peoples aversion to the arts.  The arts in all it's various forms, both reminds and shows me a view of the world that's passionate, brighter and darker, more vibrant.  I refuse to allow others to diminish that view.  There was a time in my life where happiness, passion, and hope were the things of dreams.  I do not want to go back to a world without that light.  I want this feeling to last forever.

I want to leave something more than impressive birthday and holiday cards to remember me by.  There is so much beauty in the world.  And that's all that matters.  Inspiration.  Passion.  Love.  The heart wants what it wants.  Who are we to deny it?  Apparently, that old mix CD I listened to was a gateway drug.  I'm going to need a more substantial fix.  It's part of the reason I am so madly in love with The Pirate.  He's openly passionate, and hasn't an issue expressing that I am someone he's passionate about.  I don't have to beg for his attention. 

The passionate mind however, can be selfish.  It's so focused on what it desires, reason becomes background noise.  I have never been one to mince words with what I want.  I've never expected my partner to be a mind reader, thus I've been known to state "I want you, now."  I hear so many others wandering around in a fog of indecision and lackluster lives.  There are many nights they could have been with the one that they desire.  However they chose to stay home, partake in things that require no connecting with others.  Days they could have spent sucking the marrow out of life, instead of wasting time building a résumé for a life they'll never have. 

There were parts of me that were dead for so long.  I am eternally grateful that I now have a partner who inspires me to always allow my passions to not just spring to life, but to be celebrated.

Integrity

Integrity and your word is everything.  One of those stories I haven't forgotten.  The first strike is always a learning curve but only a fool makes the same mistake twice.

Raise Your Bar

Always walk above the crowd.  Never settle for a life you know you can live better than and never settle for just anyone.

Impact and Influence

I rarely if ever say things out of courtesy.  If I don’t mean it, I don’t say it.  There has to be passion, integrity and meaning in everything you express and articulate.  Life is short let your words count, impact and influence.

Bliss

I spent months, years even; bemoaning all that was taken from me.  It never occurred to me that I'd have something to give.  A way to contribute.  A reason for being not...dead.

To sleep, perchance to not dream.  All I needed was some hope that there's a future that I fit into somehow.  At last. 

Sweet blissful sleep.

Loyalty

I’m old school loyalty over royalty. Your as strong as the foundation of the company you keep; trust. No one at the top gets there solo it’s through collaboration and leverage.

Don’t Settle

Don’t fall for the game because I can show you how it’s played, don’t come in it for the clout because I’m the farthest thing from a saint.  I’m good when I’m good but I can do bad all by myself.  They used to say Firefly you’ll be forever single, I always responded with “by choice but not by default.”   I happened to be lucky enough to finally meet someone who understands that and subscribes to the same ideals.  Neither of us will settle for ridiculous childlike behaviour, we’re adults and will deal with it like adults.

The Growth Process

Never forget where you come and the experiences that have shaped your capacity to understand life as you know it.  Celebrate the success, learn from the failures and foster better habits to promote self growth.  Surround yourself with people that support your initiatives, aren’t afraid to contest your ideologies and remain loyal in times of adversity.  No one becomes successful by themselves, it’s through collaboration and support of the counsel you keep.  Always stay true to yourself because it’s your character that makes you worth knowing and its your integrity that will make you respected.

Birthday Wishes

My main bish, Teaesme is another year older today.  For 24 years I've had the distinct honour of watching her grow and become the woman she is today.  From that tiny human that I brought home, to first words, steps, bumps, bruises, tears, and laughter; to the milestones of graduation, and first jobs, heartbreaks, moves, and more.  I couldn't have dreamed up a kinder, more compassionate human being if I had tried.  Each day I hear her laughter and endless taunting jokes I am reminded that while my son is my heart that beats outside of my body; Mattea is my soul rendered visual.

Happy birthday sweetheart, no words can express the love and pride I have for you.

Capture This

If you press you temple and your taint at the same time, you can screen capture your soul.

True story bro.

My soul seems to require a tad bit of attention.

Disinfecting the Past

Way back when I had more children than the sky has clouds.  I remember thinking that no matter how hard I tried my house was never clean.  Between animals and the shit-ton of diapers I was dealing with daily; my house always smelled like urine, vomit, stinky feet, and sour milk.  Mixed with bleach and other essential oils, and an incense burner or two because I'm classy like that.

Brothers and Sisters

GQ and Tea always got along quite well when GQ bowed to Tea's every demand and abrupt mood swing's.  She was 3 and was essentially getting even for the crap her brother pulled on her when she was smaller.

One evening, GQ was quietly playing with his wooden train that my uncle made for him.  It really was a work of art.  Tea had discerned that he was far to quiet and peaceful, thus she busted into his room like the Kool Aid man and insisted on playing too.

GQ: “I’m playing by myself right now, Tea Tea.”
Tea: “But I want to play with you.”
GQ: “I know but I don’t want to play with YOU.”
Tea:...The look she gave him was just this side of "I'll slap a bitch"
GQ: “Will you please go now?”
Tea: “Poo Face, YOU go- I’m playing.”

I’d love to have the ballsy conviction of my three year old.

Hustle Harder

You can knock the person but never the hustle.  If you can use what you got to get what you want, I respect the game.  Sex appeal sells.  Intelligence and aesthetics is a deadly commodity.

 Never underestimate it.

My Soul Rendered Visual

Time passes, and those of us who have good lives are grateful that it doesn't know how to look back. 24 years ago I met a little girl who won me over with a look and a coo. I didn't know it when I met her, that she would win me over with her caring and inquisitive nature. Together we have fought monsters and villains and won. We've had adventures, and still have many more wonders to explore.

I am thankful for you, Teaesme. Happy birthday!

Life is good, let's continue to make it better!

Ego vs Ego

“Are they the one” has to be one of my favourite sayings.  I've seen way to many people, both men and women invest so much of themselves and of their time into people who at face value were so obviously not "the one".  Of course there is also a sick and twisted personal amount of humorous enjoyment for me watching people in my own family play this game as well.  It comes down to placing high maintenance, good looking people in a room and watching their ego's let loose.  There will always be that type of drama when and where it’s ego vs ego because they're all so used to getting what they want.

The Nerve

Our Smoochable just told me to “leave this driveway” because I’m “getting on her last nerve.”  I had a few errands to run and a few extra groceries I wanted to get but I cancelled that shit to park my ass home and stay all up in her face for the rest of the day.

 I’m not above being spiteful and petty with an attitudinal three year old who doesn’t even pay the rent or offer me foot rubs and was just picking her nose and noshing on those boogers.  Little shit trying to tell me I’m being annoying.

 Hell to the nawz.

She ‘bout to learn who run this mother.

 Her Glama!

Crown drops charges against St Catherines Vet

It can seem that the system is broken when a legal technicality takes precedence over the safety of living, sentient beings. Even in light of overwhelming evidence.

I'm sad, very sad over this.

Self Worth

If they want to leave you, open the door and let em go.  Some people will never know your worth until they see you with someone else.  The most important bit of knowledge is knowing your own worth.  I feel bad for some people.  Having self worth and class seems to be a lost gift.  I am forever grateful I’ve never chased and I’ve only dated those of quality.

Holy Eyebrows

In my not so humble opinion, it’s important to let people, this includes our children to express their individuality through makeup and/or clothing choices without judgment or ridicule.  As I've always stated, 'if the worst thing my children do is come home with a hairstyle I don't like, how lucky a parent I will be."

So I need y’all to know I do not condone the fucked up, hyper-exaggerated penciled on sperm wiggling across her face eyebrows one of my dear friends is currently experimenting with. My silence should not be interpreted as approval, got it?  I mean, it’s a goddamn mess but it’s HER goddamn mess.

 DO NOT THINK I’M DOWN WITH THIS LEVEL OF FUCKERY.

No Rest For The Wicked

On the rare occasion that I am actually able to have a nap before work, I do not wake up refreshed or invigorated.  Point of fact, I tend to wake up all asholey and fighty.  That's right, if you're gonna make me nap, best be sure you are ready for the slumbering bitch to come alive and eat your soul.

Sexy Skeletons

It's almost that time of year again; where the ghosts, goblins, and ghouls come out to play.  Which also means that the retail stores are all up in my grill trying to sell me a ton of teeth rotting candy and a fuck-ton of plastic bullshit that'll break before the veil thins completely.  I do however still have a great deal of fun with all the crap while I'm in he stores.

The children like to read me the riot act and say I can be embarrassing this time of year, all because of that one-ish time I set up two skeleton's to make it look like they were fornicating in the Halloween section at Walmart. These are the very same children who would then ask me to take them to Taco Bell because they had coupons. However the tip of the proverbial iceberg was when they told me to change the radio station and turn the volume down so that my “ridiculous music” wouldn't harm their bleeding eardrums any longer. 

 Exactly just WHO IS THE ADULT HERE? I guess I’ll go ahead and schedule their blood pressure and colonoscopy tests and find a local bocci ball team accepting new members.

That Stew Needs Less Spice

I like to whistle while I work.  Not really, but I do like a tune to groove too; upbeat and demanding I hustle my buns.  It's a workable system.  Now while I am not permitted to wear headphones while I work there are no clearly defined rules against bluetooth speakers.  Thus my dilemma of how to keep motivated and make even greater numbers was solved, many gadget driven moons ago.  Ah my love of technology knows few bounds.

Last night however I did the unthinkable.  I worked sans music.  It wasn't my best idea ever.  Oh I still hustled.  I even made damn fine numbers.  I also mind you allowed those niggling thoughts in to take center stage, that my music more often than not drowns out.  It's never pretty when I get this way.  There I was hustling in and out of my cell when this thought popped clear as day into my head.  "Pirates pet name that I alone call him, has been the butt of many a joke; and yet here are two people I'm perturbed with using it like its all theirs to use. well I'm never using it again."  My brain and angry heart shouted.

Thus began the next 4 hours of brain drain.  It's not a pet name that anyone else would use for him.  It was something private and quite personal.  It meant something to he and I, and while a few others were privy to it; I never dreamed they would use it.  in exceedingly simplistic terms, it's like ones toothbrush.  It's there, we all use one.  We know most if not everyone else has one, but would we walk into another's personal space and just use it?  Well, no.  it's an invasion of personal space and even another's intimacy.  The thought of these two specific people using something so personal and special to me, made my stomach turn and the bile rise in my throat. 

It bothers me far more than I like to admit.  Even to myself.  What is this feeling?  Jealousy?  Discomfort?  Annoyance?  Pride?  Possessiveness?  It's all very unclear to me, as I am not one to feel those emotions.  I dislike it muchly!

     

Coffin Ridge

Last night I couldn't seem to do anything right.  Hell most of yesterday it felt that way.  I was a walking, talking, stumbling, mumbling train wreck, with a blast radius that just didn't seem to quit.  Much like my hips, and no they don't lie.  My wave of destruction and chaos followed me into work; much to my horror.  I could not have done worse if I'd stood back like 15 feet and just lobbed parts at the machine, while hoping for a stellar outcome.

Oh what a night... Though it isn't late December, nor is it '63. 

As I've mentioned I was struggling with what to do about this apparent requirement for a divorce and possibly looking to walk that plank...errr isle again.  Turns out that's just never going to happen.  Not now.  Don't get me wrong, the Pirate and I are fine and dandy, or we will be once I stop feeling annoyed?  That's not exactly it, maybe hurt?  I'm not really accustomed to this "human feelings" bullshit so I'm no certain.  I just know that when I mentioned that I was trying to find my marriage certificate online and then a reasonable do-it-yourself divorce package as he had requested I "get my shit in order so I can e his Mrs Pirate".  He responded with, "well just remember that you're never taking my shit when you leave."

I was gobsmacked.  Here I was stressing over events that I can barely remember.  Seriously I haven't a clue as to when my ex-current husband and I got married.  Nor do I care, except that I need that information for divorce papers, and my current love, man of my dreams comes out with that horse shit.  You've got to be fucking kidding me.  1: Any relationship I've walked away from be there kids involved or not, I've walked with what fit in my single backpack and never once looked back.  Never once asked for or received child support or any other form of financial aid, let alone taking anything that I hadn't bought myself for myself or was a family heirloom.  Which I promptly snapped back at him with.

Angry, in that moment it was more like livid.  In that moment I also saw that he'd already come to the conclusion that we won't last.  This isn't forever.  Of course I can stop being an annoyed wife for 5 and see exactly why he said it and where he's coming from.  I truly can.  He's justified in those general feelings but I've never given him reason to doubt me and there I sat, being doubted.  it fucking sucked.  It stayed with me all night and even this morning I found myself still .... upset if the only term I can use that makes sense.  I can't nail down the emotion.  It's just not defining itself at present. 

Suffice to say my views on marriage haven't gotten better with this latest occurrence.  In fact it completely solidified my belief that marriage is just never going to be for me.  That dream is long since died and trying to raise the dead is always a bad idea.  We all saw pet cemetary right?  Look how well that turned out.  No thanks.  Those dreams I had of being a beautiful bride with that handsome dude waiting for me with that shit eating grin on his face, ecstatic to see me walking to join him in wedded bliss wasn't ever meant to be anything more than a really cool dream. 

Now I'd actually be pretty chill about it all in reality, but it all kinda snowballed into me being a nonemotional/emotional idiot who let a past remark sneak it's way into the assorted mess and just eat at me all fucking night.  By the gods and goddesses when I turn silly female I go for the gusto.  No need to do things half assed with me.  Let me take that almost healed wound and pick at it till it's a gaping void and bleeding out like a gunshot victim.  Go me!   

Papers

Certificates, outside of those that earn me a larger income or the possibility to earn a larger income, have never actually meant anything to me.  Those certificates or documentation that are by all rites a societal standard, birth, death, marriage, baptism to me are nothing more than a waste of paper.  They are for government use and bear no actual meaning to my life.  I know I am alive, I know whom I love, I know that I began dying the very day I was born as are we all; so why are these papers so important to so many.  Or is the better question why do so many require these papers to give their lives meaning or worth?

I am garnering that the marriage certificate is more important to Pirate than I had originally understood, if last nights comment is to be accepted at face value.  I am unsure at this moment how I actually feel or as how to proceed with the information I have.  As I've stated more than once now, I hold absolutely no importance in marriage licenses or documentation.  Far too many people believe that a marriage certificate magically creates a barrier for their partners, or the outside world.  Possibly both; in terms of stopping wandering eyes and infidelity.  Statistics have readily debunked that theory, as have countless episodes of Jerry Springer.       

Yet here I sit, contemplating the logistics of such documentation to please, or is it appease the man I love and the fact that he would prefer I have his last name, and not the current on upon my SIN card.

It's not an accidental entanglement; 

it's an intentional knot. Love belongs 

with belonging.   

Serving the Baron

Baron Samedi aka: Baron Saturday my Loa, my friend.  It's that kind of Saturday already and it's only 10:51 am.

For the so called complicated woman that I am, I like my life exceptionally simple.  I dislike drama, and the tediousness of needy, self indulged people.  They almost always seem to require some life sucking, energy draining attention that just makes my trigger finger itch.  I lack patience and the understanding to deal effectively with such individuals.  That isn't to say that I am not going to be readily there for anyone whom requires true aid, I just refuse to enable or put up with those that act helpless but are anything but.

Why am I surrounded by so many of them?

Thankfully today the Baron has granted me life once more and the drive to continue on.  One day he will decide that it is time for me to join him.  Today however, isn't that day.  When my day comes I will greet him fondly with a cigar, rum, and some bawdy joke to make him laugh.  The Baron and I will be fast friends.

Until such time arises, I raise a glass and tip of the hat in him honour.    

Maman Kind of Night

It wasn't a bad day, work was a beautiful thing last evening.  I'm somewhere I enjoy and that challenges me to push myself harder.  It's a new machine, which few know anything about or even how to fix.  I have worked 90% of it out on my own.  It's a good feeling.  For someone like me it's a requirement to keep my overly active brain busy and thus rather tired.  That overly active brain of mine has as of late been way too active and not happy with the world at large.

I am finding that I am missing the adult time that I had become accustomed to.  Or quite possibly it is the connection I felt when we were that intimate.  I could pout and sulk like a child, yet this maturity has given me the grace to understand that like all things, this too  must ebb and flow.  I do believe that our sheer exhaustion has had a great deal to do with it all.  We've been through a great deal this last month, much of which has been both stressful and disappointing.  I am looking forward to things smoothing out and our connection growing deeper. 

Not Today

Self care is an important part of anyone's life.  Many forget that, or choose to ignore it; I know for many years I did.  I no longer do that.  I know and understand that if I am unable to care for myself then I am most certainly unable to care for anyone else.  Lessons learned.

Yesterday and today still, I am not in the mood to listen to others trivial bulshit.  I don't want to hear how hard it is for you to be apart from your girlfriend, or how you just don't like having to do those dishes that other leave lying around.  Those are all fixable things.  Easily fixable things.  They aren't the end of the world.  They are temporary issues, and your sitting around complaining about them isn't going to change any of it.  We all have little issues, triggers if you will; but they are on us to correct them.  So do it.

I've a loved one whom likes to whine and complain about those issues.  Of course this complaining can continue nonstop for an hour easily.  It is an hour of my time I am not willing to give up. 

  "Where do they teach you to talk like this? In some Panama City "Sailor wanna hump-hump" bar, or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here."  -As Good As It Gets

I am not answering the phone, nor am I taking in visitors.  I am grieving and will do so for as long as I need to.  No complaining, no explaining.  Those that decide to throw hissy fits over it, well they can go pound rock-salt.  Zero fucks will be given.  Zero. Decide what you want out of your life and then make it happen.  Today I will cry, today I will laugh, today I will simply be.  Tomorrow I will go back to work, and I will smile when and where I need to.  I will be an active member of society, and I will fake it to the very best of my ability. 

Tomorrow.

My Mako

Anyone knowing or following me knows that I am a fierce advocate of rescue and rehabilitation of animals.  I loathe backyard breeders and animal abusers with an equal passion.  The devastation, broken trust, and harm they cause is beyond infuriating.  Mako was one such case.  She was my labour of love.  While we taught and showed her trust, respect, and how to be a good canine citizen, she taught us patience, acceptance, love, and just what it means to really start over from scratch.

Forever my girl.

It's been quoted a millions times over, however today it holds so very true:

  “How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep.”
 ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King

We knew, we understood that this held especially true for Mako.  She gave us her all, and we loved her for it.  We gave her our all and she in turn loved us for it.  She knew how deeply we loved her.  Of that I am sure.  For as vicious as she could be, she wasn't like that with us.  Not after we had earned the right to be her pack.  What am an amazing and beautiful affirmation that was.  How precious and awe inspiring it was to me; I will forever be searching for the words to express.  In the six years that we actively worked at rehablitting Mako never once did we regret it.  We made progress by leaps and bounds, and then we have moments that seemed to take s back to the beginning.  She was our life and we were hers.

All that ended today at 3pm.  Sedatives and sedation made her less likely to attack those whom surrounded her.  We were there and we held her with each laboured breath.  What I wouldn't give to just snap my fingers and take away all those years of abuse before us.  What I wouldn't give to have her here grumbly and growly in my arms right now.  We kissed and hugged and held her.  She was afraid.  I cannot say she went gently into that good night, and I will forever be haunted by it.  It wasn't the way it should have been.  It wasn't what we wanted, it wasn't what she wanted.  It was however the right choice... The "right choice" still sits acidic on my tongue as I whisper and stand by my decision. 

Her pain ended, and took full residence within my soul.  It's mine to carry now.  I owe her that.  I owe it to her to never forget, never remain quiet, to never ever give up or in on my advocacy of animals or of those whom are unable to stand-up and speak for themselves.  I owe her that and so much more.  Today and for all my days, I will remember her just as she was.  Perfectly imperfect.  A beloved member of my pack and a permanent resident of my soul. 

Her eyes in those final moments, will haunt me forever. 

I will see you again Mako.  Over that bridge I know you wait for me, and I cannot wait to see you again.  I so love you for now, and for always.  I am broken hearted by your absence in my life. 

Nodding and Smiling

He's out of control.  She hasn't an ounce of control.  It a recipe that just screams disaster.  So here we are.  Hosting a new path while still learning about each other.  No longer childless or alone in our growth or travels.  He's a child, just.  He's no life skills, or discernible means of being on his own.  Thats is ours to correct now.  Human or animal related why do I continue to be given things that other's wish to throw away?

I take on the challenge happily.  Or at least something close to that emotion.  But yes, I do have concerns.  I do have a fear or two.  May they remain just those things on my peripheral and may they never become a reality.  I've never agreed with our societal, "just get a new one" mentality.  I suppose it's time to put y money where my mouth is.   

I cannot help but wonder if I will always have to spend my life fixing what other's break.  It's a thankless job, but it does have it's rewards.  Let's hope the path to those rewards do not cost me, my sanity.

Tread Lightly

A touch as soft as velvet

A voice as sweet as wine

An everchanging presence

With a stimulating mind

A smile that rivals sunshine

Her laughter light upon the breeze

Her general aura is embracing

But she's apt to change with ease

I can be loud and brash, within the right circumstances and company.  More often than not however, I even while laughing and joking around am quietly listening and watching.  I observe, continually what others do over what they say; but I am always listening to what is said as well.  My circle is tight and kept that way with good reason.  There are those whom believe themselves "friends" when they are by my standards nothing more than acquaintances.  My life and feelings wouldn't change should they happen to disappear from this world tomorrow.

Life will always continue thusly.

Should someone think themselves worthy of my time and or attention, they had best bring their A game.  I suffer not those whom think themselves superior, rockstars clamoring for attention, or closed minded bigots with diarrhea of the jaw.  I've found of the years nd even recently that those with said afflictions never have a clear grasp of the woman I am, or the meaning behind my silent smile.

More's the pity for them.

One such, human as entered my life over the past three months.  She's proven herself lacking and as of yet hasn't discerned the intent behind the silent smile.  Yet she persisted and pushes the closer to the line in the sand made of crushed glass and foes of yore.  Not ever sensing the danger she eagerly throws herself towards.  Chosen ignorance, a clear lacking of decorum, social grace, and common sense are humorous to be certain.  But like all jokes, told too oven and with far too much bravado, they not only cease to be funny; they become tiresome to the point of utter rejection.

I've grown, I've matured, I've sought out better manners in which to deal with conflict.  Yet there in the shadows lurks the attitude and fortitude to back it all up, when the need arises.  For all concerned I truly hope she learns to tread lightly and understand the company she wishes to keep.  I am far from above putting her in her place, harshly.
  

Do You Doubt Your Partner?

I am fortunate enough to say, I do not doubt my partner at all.  The one major rule we have is and has always been, complete honesty.  Sometimes it can be  uncomfortable, but it is so worth it and it has made us stronger.  However if you are doubting any part of your relationship or your partner try asking yourself a few or all of these questions. 

There are no right or wrong answers, just answers that will give you greater insight. 

1. Do you completely trust each other?
2. Do you believe in soul mates, and if so, do you believe you are each other’s?
3. When was the last time you said, “I love you?” If it’s been a while, why?
4. Are you satisfied with the intimacy you share?
5. How often do you laugh together?
6. Do you feel you have made personal sacrifices for your relationship, and have they been reciprocated?
7. When you think of your partner, do you smile?
8. Do you feel threatened when others find your partner attractive, and why?
9. Do you believe your partner is your biggest advocate?
10. How do you feel about your partner’s views on finances?
11. Do you enjoy spending time with your partner’s relatives? Friends?
12. Do either of you dredge up resentments in arguments, and why have you struggled to let them go?
13. How do you feel when your partner arrives home after being away?
14. Is your partner your best friend?
15. Is there a secret you are keeping that if your partner knew, you feel you would lose them?
16. Do you feel that your partner accepts you?
17. When did you realize you had fallen in love, and how do you feel when you think about it?
18. Have you seen each other at your best and worst?
19. Would you ever consider having an affair? Why? Why not?
20. Are you excited about your future together?
21. Do you feel your relationship is a true partnership?
22. When was your last romantic outing?
23. Does it bother you if your partner has friends of the opposite sex, and why?
24. Do you accept each other’s belief systems?
25. When was the last time you talked about your future together, and were you on the same page?
26. Do you feel as if you can communicate without saying a word?
27. What is your happiest memory of your time together? Your worst? Are there more happy memories than unhappy ones?
28. What is a relationship deal breaker for you, and have you overlooked one in this relationship?
29. How do you feel about the last, in-depth conversation you and your partner had?
30. Do you show your love for each other often, and if not, why?

Touch Me Not

Touch Me…

There are walls and then there are walls.

Mine is tall and solid and circular, like some fantastical castle tower.  His is much the same though fortified with steel, and without even the one high window.  Mine just so happens to be made of glass, smooth and perfectly clear.  You can see right through to the center.

It would make more objective sense, considering my history, if I hid inside rough mortared stone like his and made everyone spend years scaling the rocks with their bare raw fingers and toes if they wanted in,  but for whatever reason, that has never been how it works.  The people who get inside do so effortlessly, often instantly, passing through the invisible barrier like ghosts.  The selection mechanism is both instinctive and imperfect.

Admittedly I had to work harder and with a greater sense of relentlessness to break through his walls than he did mine.  The greatest distress comeing from suddenly finding someone inside the wall when the logical part of my brain can't justify it, can't find any reason to trust that this person isn't going to skin me alive.

Then again at this point, I don't have any skin left.

So there you are, one of those for whom the walls were so much mist.  You're in, and I'm vulnerable, and so I've got to reconcile the emotional and rational parts of my brain as quickly as possible, by either deciding you belong here or shoving you back out and shoring up those sections that allowed you to pass through so effortlessly so that you stay out.

It's a stupid system.  It's the only one I've got.  There are many other kinds of walls: rough stone towers, rings of fire, murky moats both with and without drawbridges.  Sometimes I wish for another — one more opaque, more inviting, more cruel than my own.  I don't, however, ever wish to have no wall at all.

I don't have any skin left.  I still want to be touched, raw and sore as I am, but I can't bear the pain. Fear battles need.  I push more people back outside now than I once did, and I don't know whether I'm saving or punishing myself.

You, there. Yes. Come, touch the glass.

Risk Vs. Reward

It’s something many weigh before doing something for another.

I don’t.

What I give, I give freely should someone choose to abuse that or speak poorly of me behind my back for it, that only speaks to their character not mine.

I will remain as I always have. Head held high.

💋

Kings and Queens

Heavy is the had that wears the crown.

He wants a queen, I just want to be happy. Can I be both?  As of yet, I have my doubts.  Historically speaking a queen without a king is far more powerful to be certain but be she with her king or not the fact remains that queens have to continually fight to keep what's theirs.  History has shown us that kings far more often than not treat their queen like shit, bedding servants, treating them as a brainless pieces of arm candy, using them to attain that which they truly desire, and when tiring of them...well off with her head.

Doesn't sound like a life filled with laughter and joy to me.

So you want me to be your queen, prove me wrong.

The power of the positive mind

Believe.

If you want to have something show up in your life, the ind of person you'd like to become, manifest something new into your life, something powerful or whatever it might be.  You must obviously first be able to imagine it.  Your imagination is able to do all that you ask of it in proportion to the degree of attention you focus upon it.  Ask yourself what kind of attention do you place on your desires? 

Einstein observed: "Imagination is more important than knowledge.  Knowledge is limited.  Imagination encircles the world." 

Logic and reason with get you from point A to point B, but imagination will take you everywhere and anywhere you can dream.  Make your future dreams a present fact by assuming the feeling of the wish having already been fulfilled.  That which you feel yourself to be, you are; and you are given that which you are.  So assume the feeling that would be yours when you are already in possession of your wish or dream. 

Your dream will be realized, so live in the very feeling of  being the one you want to be and that you shall be.  If this assumption about what you'd like to become or have is persisted in, until it becomes your dominant feeling,the attainment of your ideal is absolutely inevitable.  You must first assume the feeling of a wish fulfilled in all aspect of your life.

Do not ever allow anyone else's opinions, don't allow others negativity, shortcomings, failures, assumptions, or what you read elsewhere from someone else's research out there to distract or discourage you from realizing what is or is not possible for you.  If you advance confidently in the direction of your own dreams and endeavour to live the life which you have imagined for yourself you will meet with a success that while unexpected in common hours is entirely possible.

Retrain your subconscious mind.  For your subconscious mind responds to what it is that your suggest to it.  Your subconscious mind determines a great deal of your conscious behaviours.  It is the "id" and super ego at work behind the scenes with each action you take.  96 to 97% of everything you do is done as a result of your id, ego, super ego and subconscious mind.  Thus when your subconscious mind is programmed, it responds to that which it has been placed within it by your conscious mind. 

You are the creator, the captain of your soul.   

 

    

Naw I'm Good

Old Dude from work decided to put me on the spot tonight.  He declared his desire to get to know me outside of work, on a far more personal level.  He's a nice enough person beyond his grumpy facade, but he's too old....looking and in his personality.  When I look at him all I see is a frail old man.  I played it off rater well, thank you very much.  I said that I'd like to get to know him as a friend too. 

See I can be diplomatic.   

Sometimes it's memory loss

Sometimes it's just disinterest?  I've shared a fair amount already about my memory loss and the calamity that can occur thanks to it.  But sometime's, okay quite often it's just a sheer desire of not wanting to engage with others while I already have so many rumblings running through my mind. Of course there is always the question dancing through the back of my mind, "do I know this person?  Have I actual history with them, or are they just rambling on because I am so damn approachable?"

Yesterday I stopped into Starbucks for a long awaited treat.  My signature stimulant, designed by me for me way back in the days of green aprons and plastered on smiles topped with whipped cream.  While I waited for my cup of bliss to be completed, the woman behind me broke into a long winded rather detailed story about her latest experience in Longo's.  What that experience was, I am not entirely sure.  It had a few heights and a very significant low if her body language and tone were any indication, though I cannot be certain as I really wasn't that focused.  It all went something like that:

- 10 to 20 seconds in: Alright this isn't too bad.  She's got a hair that keep flopping every time she nods, oh I should nod too! 
-  15 seconds in: Hrmm she shoelaces aren't even.  Did she tie them herself?
- 18 second in: Oh that's my coffee!  Come to momma Venti dark and delicious.  Crap, she's still talking.  Inch away and nod again...why is se touching my arm?  She's impeding my caffeinated pleasures. 
- 30 seconds in: Crap nod again, smile and look convincing...oops less teeth.
- 35 seconds in: Attention waning rapidly.  Did she just say she just say she rode a donkey? WTF? How did this go from Longos to a donkey?  Does she mean Eeyore? 
- 40 seconds in:  Eeyore, hrm; Winnie the Pooh?  Oh I need to buy honey after. 
- 50 seconds in: How long have I been tapping my hand against my leg?  Where is she in her story? Huh...wtf she laughing?  Should I laugh too? Haha ok that wasn't stupid sounding at all!
- 60 seconds in: Alright I've played along, but I'm gonna loose it in a moment if she doesn't just shut up. 
- 65 seconds in: Okay lady this rides been fun but I want off now.  I have no clue what shes said and I cannot pretend any longer and if my caffeinated cup of bliss is cold now I'll have to rip off her eyebrows...

Being the non awkward people person I am, I reached past her, wrapped my clawed hand around my drink and said "See ya" without a backwards glance. 

Totally nailed it!     

He let's me touch his beard

My new work husband is a viking.  Now safe to say that may just be a fantasy on  my part, but it's a workable fantasy so, go me!  Eric is loud, brash at times, dark humoured, hard working, rather smart, and a really bad manservant.  I've told him as much on a few occasions; much to HR's dismay.  Like most of those closest to me at work, we are an HR nightmare.  We make jokes we aren't supposed to, we blurt of things that would have the faint of heart seeking medical attention, and we make wholly without remorse or shame sexual comments on one another.

I happened to forget my lead hand was standing next to me, while making some inappropriate comments.  He's kind of forgettable.  My bad!  Eric was fixing my robot and getting dirty.  Seriously, a dirty viking with his tools in hand; right there in front of me and I'm not supposed to say anything?  Right.  It seemed perfectly fine to blurt out, "this could be far more enjoyable if Eric took his shirt off and flexed a bit."  While maybe saying things like, "I have just the tool you need."  I thought nothing off it, and Eric let out that dark laugh and winked.  My lead hand?  Well he turned an interesting shade of puce and began coughing heavily.  I think he has asthma and being near the weld cells is bad for him.  Or maybe, maybe it was me?  Hard to tell.

One of our more strict lead hands seems to take my harassment of Eric better than most.  I was mentioning that the company needs to do a far better job of hiring manservants.  Kroup shook his head and gave me the same look many parents give small daft children.  He attempted to correct me with, "Millwright, he is a millwright not a manservant."  Millwright, manservant...looks and sounds all the same to me.  I am still coming home to no dinner in the oven, no half naked man folding my clothes, and no foot rub.  Millwright, manservant, whatever it is this place is hiring; they're all slackers!

Kroup dropped his now shaking head while Eric dared comment that my cheque didn't clear.  So on top of hiring better manservants, I informed Kroup that we also needed a better class of peasant while scowling at said peasant, which sent Eric and the other manservant next to him into peels of laughter.  Kroup tried his best not to feed into my all too common bad behaviour, but lost the battle when Eric still laughing said "I can't tool your machine right now, but you can come sit on my tool box and stroke my beard."  I threw my arms up in the air and offered tribute like Jen in the hunger games.  Kroup looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I understand why the HR team chews antacids when you walk by." 


I mean I think that's what he said.  I couldn't hear much of anything while stroking Eric's beard.

     

My recipe for life

My recipe for life is just that mine, take of it what you will, and add all that is important to you as well.  Each ingredient can be used in moderation, or taken in large amounts, depending upon the desired effect you wish to obtain.  A recipe is only a guideline not a tablet etched in stone, and brings on a new meaning for each chief.   

So long as you approach your cooking with reckless abandon and know that with the sweet's the sour must follow for a ballance; you'll do just fine.


Ingredients : 
 
1 dream within your heart      
1 open mind   
1 open heart     
1 true blue friend     
Equal parts of sugar and spice to taste   
A dash of sour   
1 lover you'll never forget   
1 dare you'd really like to forget but can't     
A handful of embarrassing moments   
1 friend you can have at least 1 really good fight with   
1 friend you can have a really good debate with   
3 love letters from your youth that are tucked away, & that you can pull back out and giggle at.   
1 rosebush full of thorns   
1 recipe for a complete meal including desert     
1 table setting for 6 with 6 stemmed wine glasses   
1 home with dust on the table and a stain on the rug   
1 rule or standard you believe in with all your heart   
1 dollar in your wallet for emergency or  taxi call's   
10 minutes of alone time each and every day   
1 cup of tears per year

Season to taste and whenever possible add in heaps of laughter.

Drinking Games

Much to many peoples surprise, I am in fact not a big fan of drinking games.  I never have been.  I prefer to note that as an adult I don't need a game to drink, just a glass and enough scratch to buy the bottle really.  Plus I must admit that being that out of control, and possibly vomiting on myself isn't my idea of fun. 

So now here I sit after hours of research and combing new sites, and reference sites.  Amidst collecting all of the required data for my paper, noting that I have read so many political blurbs, reports, and full on articles that a drinking game sounds like a smashing idea.  I say we make it skill level expert and you must be politically inclined to play.

Here are the rules:
Open your browser
Hit feeling lucky in Google
Every single post you see that is political, about Donald Trump, Justin's duckie socks, or has you wanting to become a pirate and make them all walk the plank... take a drink or a shot. 

Now if you are playing this game correctly, your home if not already on fire should be on fire within the hour.

Cheers

Jive On

'This is not f*****g fair that you took me off the train because I had my foot there because I was comfortable like that,' she said.
'There is no law that tells me that I cannot sit that way because I paid to be in there' but the officer replied: 'It's the rules of the train.'

Meanwhile as small group of bystanders gather, including a woman, later identified by LAPD as 22-year-old Selina Lechuga, who can be heard shouting expletives at the officer.
'Are you f*****g kidding me? You really have nothing to do,' Lechuga says.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5306109/LAPD-cop-filmed-dragging-woman-train-feet-seat.html#ixzz55OS4aSypFollow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

It's well known that I am not always the most tolerant person of sheer stupidity and blatant disregard for your fellow man.  It is also pretty well know that I gave up my vehicles many years back and have chosen to walk, bike, bus, or train my way around this globe.  On an almost daily basis, I ride the bus.  When the load is greater than is comfortable, or feasible for a bus ride I will call upon my trusted cab company to wisk myself home.  I may in fact be one of the few whom does love to drive, but also loves to ride the bus.  I do not hold the hatred many have for public transit.  It's a privilege that I truly appreciate.  Plus I do enjoy people watching.

You notice I used the term privilege, not a right.  Much like driving a car, riding public transit is a privilege not a right.  If you drive like an asshole you'll lose you license and if you are an obnoxious passenger you may indeed be asked to get off the damn bus.  So why are so many up in arms and slamming the LAPD officer for removing the "teen" she is 18; an adult, off the bus?  I see headlines and rants of "abuse of power".  So lets just look at the abuse going on.

The rules of public transit are pretty simple really.  Pay your fare, be respectful to everyone on the bus, music should only be heard by you not everyone on the bus, keep bags and luggage out of the way and off the seats, make room for others to sit, always give up priority seating to those in need, and in general don't be a asshole.  I am paraphrasing the rules I'll admit but yes that pretty much sums it up.  Now there have been many instances where people including myself have screwed up.  It was not intentional, but it was our error.  Errors that are really quick, simple fixes.  Apologize to the one(s) you offended, make quick amends (ie: change the behaviour immediately).

Bethany Nava, chose to ride the train, she chose to put her feet up on the seat because and we can quote her "because I was comfortable like that."  When asked as is well within the rights of the officer, for Bethany to get off the train, she was both disruptive and in being blunt a total uncouth asshole to the officer she was removed by all the while putting up a fight.  But this is somehow the officers fault?  Seriously?  You're going to tell me that if your child behaved with the same attitude you'd have not given your kid a smack on the ass and told them to clean up their act?  I can say that I would have.  Actually let me not lie to you, I would have seriously spanked either of my children for that level of bullshit.

I am amazed at those so willing to defend Bethany and her asinine behaviour.  Where is the accountability?  Yes she paid for her ticket, just as you'd have paid your car insurance.  Does that mean you can dive however you want?  A few years back I screwed up on the train.  I was just learning the routes and where the tracks were that I needed.  It was damn overwhelming I can admit.  So when I heard that the train I needed was about ready to depart, I ran and as I passed the presto machine I swiped my wallet across it and kept running.  I had to make the train!  No where in describing on how to use a presto car and machine does it say swipe your wallet.  It clearly says swipe you card.

So I make it up to the upper level on the train and am so relieved.  I can get home sooner rather than later.  I am in the quiet section (Yes there is one and you had better be quiet. Seriously) and I am resting quietly with my eyes closed when I feel the tap on my shoulder.  It is the transit lady with her handy machine to swipe cards to prove that we all paid.  No problem!  I tap my card, and am told I tapped it too fast.  So I tap it again and see her face change to annoyance.  Ok what had I done to annoy her?  Well for starters, I had NOT paid for my ride.  I explained what I had done and like any public servant who had more likely than heard this "bullshit" far too many times, she took a deep breathe.

She was feeling charitable and gave me a choice.  I could take the $150 fine and have my card taken, or I could have to .50 cent lecture right there in the now silent section in front of everyone who was now well aware I did not pay to ride like they had.  Noting that my back account had maybe 75 dollars in it and really not wanting the hefty fine as well as also loosing the 50 dollar balance on my card, I chose to receive the unforgettable lecture.  I took my very embarrassing lecture like a big girl and apologise profusely whilst the man next to me chuckled and nudged me and whispered "oh your a bad girl" making it all that much worse.  Now I openly admitted that I was an idiot and failed to do my part and the transit officer took both joy and pity in my plight, but was ultimately very kind.

Had I responded as Bethany Nava and Selina Lechuga had with profanity, and telling the transit officer, "don't you have anything better to fucking do?"  How do you really think that embarrassing scene would have ended?  With the .50 cent lecture?  I likely would have been arrested and had a much more embarrassing tale to tell about the time I not only failed to pay for my fare but also acted like a class A cunt.

But someone putting there feet up on the seat isn't as bad as even accidently not paying for their fare.

I beg to differ.  There are rules for riding any public transit and we are expected to obey them.  I cannot even begin to tell you how pissed off I get when I get on the bus and see someone with their feet on the seat.  So whatever your feet have walked through I now have to sit in?  That is for those that actually move their feet after I stare them down with an arched brow.  Those that don't move their feet get told off very bluntly and may still have their feet shoved off the damn seat.  What I really want to do is punch them in the face for being so damned ignorant.

The likelihood is that the Sgt is going to be reprimanded for doing his job, and the little bitch is going to get away with her bullshit to remain a selfish dipshit the rest of her life playing the victim while the rest of us try to do the right thing and not beat the ever loving shit out of her. 

Metro's 28 page customer code of conduct states that 'placing feet or shoes on seats or furnishings' is prohibited disorderly conduct, which may be penalized with a warning and/or ejection from the train.
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5306109/LAPD-cop-filmed-dragging-woman-train-feet-seat.html#ixzz55OlPJEhS Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

Change is good

Change of scenery, change of outlook, change of attitude, change of availability.  I have come to find it is a time for change.   I have been standing in the same place awaiting change; when know all along that change is up to me.  I have been complacent in my own joy.  In fact I have been far too complacent in a great many things, including friendships that are nothing more than a drain on who I am.  Its high time to correct that exceedingly small minded behaviour.

I am deeply ashamed that I have been far more of a spectator within my own story.  Stopping to regroup is always a good thing.  However just, stopping, that's shameful.  I recently took a chance.  It was worth the risk.  I have also recently come to realize that it was a complete failure.  Still I do not regret taking the chance.  I am however reminded that in doing so I was stunned at the failure.  It took a bit of wind out of my sails and has had me examining the cause and effect. 

In other words I became caught up in the "where did I go wrong mentality."  while I believe introspection is fantastic, if you become too caught up in it, it can take over far too much of your daily life.  Sometimes acceptance is the only rational choice.  As the saying goes, " when someone shows you who they truly are. Believe them." 

Nils from Sweden Asks:

"Hello Firefly, in your December 30th post on your year end review you spoke briefly about 4Chan.  Are you a member of the site and are you willing to openly discuss the site and your views about why people should or shouldn't use it?" 

Hi Nils,

Well now aren't you are just jumping right in there both feet.  No tip toe testing those waters for you!  I did indeed mention 4Chan, and to my surprise there are many whom still know nothing about the site.  For starters I am old enough and well net travelled enough that 4Chan while controversial to many, doesn't even have me gasping with "Oh. My. Gods." or "What will they think of next...those stupid kids."  Way back in the day my message boards had a lot less glitz and far more function.  If you knew your way around a \me say's hello!  Oh m(IRC) you were the granddaddy of em all weren't you?

So we have onions.  Layers and layers of information just out there for viewing pleasure and fact finding.  From the Dark Web, to the Deep Web there came a bubble that managed to work it's way up to the surface; shocking and thrilling net users alike.  4Chan was thus born.

In the simplest of terms, 4chan is a simple image-based bulletin board where anyone can post comments and share images anonymously. Now as for my being a 'member' well that's even easier to answer.  I cannot be a member, as 4Chan doesn't have any members. Users never need to make an account or pick a username — even a pseudonymous one.  That is precisely what draws so many in.  We are in an age where everything is so closely monitored, put under scrutiny, and judged that many flock to the darker corners and in finding them can do some pretty silly things. 

I am a firm believer in personal accountability, so no I will not denounce 4Chan or speak ill of it's creator.  What I will say is that so long as there are those whom wish to silence, bully, and attempt to limit internet access there will be those whom fight against such tyranny.  Like anything in life there are times to just jump and have faith, 4Chan, the deep web, and the dark web are not the places for faith.  They are places that require vigilance, common sense, an ability to fact check, a good VPN, an excellent firewall, and yes personal accountability. 

Shock value seems to go a long way with the foolish.  Like any website, message board, search engine, or IRC there is always that X in the top right corner.  If it doesn't feel right, doesn't sound right, doesn't look right.  Don't be a part of it.  The truest test to anyone's character is what they will do and say when no one is looking or there are little to no consequences to be had.  You must decide who you will be.

As for me.  Well I live my life rather shamelessly, but yes I do have a really good VPN, and excellent firewall, and a Tor.  A girl does like to be prepared.

Expect Us.

We are legion.We do not forgive.  We do not forget. 

Just Ask

This guy's walking down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can't get out.

A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up, "Hey you, can you help me out?"
The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on.

Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up "Father, I'm down in this hole,
can you help me out?"
The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on.

Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?"
And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are you stupid?
Now we're both down here."

The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out."


I've certainly been down here before, it can be a little tricky navigating the maze and a few of the sinkholes are real bitches but if I made it out, so can you.  Plus, you don't have to do it alone.  Not ever again.

If I call you my friend, I mean it.  If I call you family, I'm in for life.

He Lost His Head?

Denis Cuspert, also known by stage name Deso Dogg, was a German hip-hop artist before becoming affiliated with Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS). He made propaganda videos for the group, including a 2014 video where he showed off a severed head for the camera and encouraged other Western youth to join him. He was designated as a “global terrorist” by the US State Department in 2015.

Now the reports vary on Denis' death.  While someone who knew Denis personally from his rapping days says that a released photograph, does indeed hold many of the characteristics that they associated with Denis, at this time that is really the only "proof" we have.  Further, it is very uncommon for extremeists to actually show photographs of their fallen.

Denis Cuspert, 41, was a high-profile hip-hop artist known as Deso Dogg before turning to jihadism

CREDIT: DI MATTI/DPA

While we may be all hoping that this insane man is indeed dead, his death has be reported before falsely, which is common among terrorists to throw off investigators. He was reportedly killed by an airstrike in Deir Ezzor, a province in eastern Syria where Isil still has small pockets of control.


There was no independent confirmation of Cuspert’s death from the US-led coalition and Western security services have long warned that foreign fighters might try to fake their deaths to throw investigators off their trail.

 If Cuspert is truly dead, his killing marks the end of one of Isil’s most colourful and charismatic Western jihadists.

Aren't You Afraid?

Face Everything And Rise

This was the very direct and honest question my girlfriend Barbie asked; very straight faced and with the kind of sober assurance in her voice that had me pausing to really think over her question as we sipped our lattes.  Well I had a latte and she was happily day drinking....again.  She does that, I smile and pour her another.  As some of you will already know, Barbie is the leggy blonde with massive breasts ex porn girl who hates children and all things difficult.  As such she doesn't often ask the difficult questions.  We laugh, keep things in her comfort zone, and should it get hard, well she calls me to deal with it.  I am her only girlfriend that she trusts and as such I am yes, her part time enabler.  It's a workable system and I simply accept her just as she is.

So back to her question.  Wasn't I afraid?  Well afraid of what? was my immediate thought.  When I say very bluntly that in my home specifically, I don't do fear.  I mean it.  Fear is a useless emotion.  Moreover in my home with the animals that are in my care, fear is a detriment.  Have I felt fear?  Of course.  I choose not to give it much creedence though.

Aren't you afraid of getting hurt?  Barbie clarified.

Ahh, the million dollar question.  Is the risk worth the payoff, or should we just never try?  At least that is how many view things.  From life, to love, to business, to adventure.  It really all comes down to people wanting some kind of payoff.  From life that payoff can be fame, power, a life remembered by others.  In love well that all depends on what you go into it looking for; kids, security, passion, that one person that doesn't run away from your ugliness.  And yes we all have ugliness.  In business it often boils down to money, though fame, and notability are often in there with a smidgen of power too.  Adventure is often focused around peace, relaxation, or elation.

So wasn't I afraid?  As Barbie and I had been discussing my recent trust fall into the world of connecting with another again, I did that quick scan of all that we'd touched on.  Age being a big one, not knowing what tomorrow would bring, the often dodged question, am I going to be the only one, and shelf life.  My own quirky term that I've become exceedingly comfortable with.

Barbie not being the patient sort slapped my leg and demanded an answer.  My answer is both simple and complex.  No.  I am not afraid of being hurt is what this all comes down to.  Will I be hurt?  Possibly.  Will I allow that to colour or direct the course of how things progress?  No.  Funnily enough The Voice and I discussed this last night in a roundabout manner.

Each relationship that we've all had, be it romantic, business, and everything in between has coloured how we view life and others.  It is inevitable, yet I am a firm believer that you cannot, should not paint each new person in your life with the same brushstrokes that you painted the last person.  As humans we have the gift of reason, and as my son would say "mum you are the one who gave me all my skills for critical thinking."  Critical thinking is my gift and curse.

I can boil any and all situations down to their lowest common denominator within 5 minutes of having met someone.  I am no mind reader, I just trend to read people well.  My directness also tends to weed out those who would prefer to be deceitful on a great many levels.  Like anyone else I have my scars.  Physical, mental, emotional.  That's life, unless you're some kind of bubble person you're bound to have a few of each.  Unlike many, I do not go into relationships seeking a payoff of any kind.

Over the years and throughout my vast experiences, I've come to find that there is always a payoff just from taking the chance.  I no longer seek external sources to complete me.  I am wholly complete as I am.  Singular.  Alone.  Imperfectly perfect.  I have chosen to expand my circle and include another for however long he chooses to be a part of that circle.  Regardless as to the time or path he and I choose to take, I am comfortable in saying that he will always have my friendship and support.  I am fortunate to have met another kind, caring soul who also chose to take a chance and trust another.

Payoff complete.

Maybe we're perfect strangers

Maybe it's not forever

Maybe the night will change us

Maybe we'll stay together

Maybe we'll walk away

Maybe we'll realize

We're only human

Maybe we don't need no reason why 

-perfect strangers-

Nowhere Fast

Holding pattern?  Status quo?  Acceptance?  Going nowhere fast?  

Whatever it is that you call it, some will say we are indeed there.  I see it differently.  I do not believe that something must occur to justify the end result.  There are moments in time and experiences that are wholly onto themselves.  They have value, intrinsic and otherwise in there occuance. 

We are there.  We are, that.  We are just us in the moment, smiling, laughing, living our truth.  Respecting and wanting each other to be our best possible selves.  Why is there such a desire, need, to define it all and place labels upon it all.  Does another's label change what it is?  Does it make it all that more real? 

No it doesn't. 

We will continue, until we continue no more.  This is us and we are beautiful just as we are.

I could tell you how to win a marathon, but you're assuming it's a 26.2 mile race.  It's not.  It's a 6.2 mile race that begins at mile 20.    

Iron Lessons

What you can learn from lifting iron is this.

Gravity is primordial, it is an opponent that is wholly indifferent to your efforts or aspirations.  Even if you make you lift, victory is temporary.  You have your moment, but in the end the iron always wins.  

The iron establishes limits of mind and muscle.  Limits for each of us to exceed, through discipline of thought and discipline of action.  There are no shortcuts to the lessons taught by the iron.  The lift is the lesson.  It is a lesson you will continually learn from.  The iron does not record your repetitions, the mass amount lifted, or the muscle mass gained.  The only true measure of its test lies in the heart and in the character of the lifter.  

Each will find that moment by lifting their limit in weight and repetition, then look deep inside and find they've got just one more.  The numbers don't matter.  Once this place beyond your limit is found and reached you will carry it with you always.  Facing any challenges that you encounter in life with the knowledge that once you think you've reached your limit, inside you still have one more.